Hello all, I’m fairly a newbie but wanted some advice. I’ve started dating this guy and we are connecting pretty fast. We’ve talked a lot and went on a few dates and are really into each other. I was wondering how long do I wait to tell him I have lupus.. I just don’t want us to get too far along and it’s something he can’t deal with. Being that he’s a cancer survivor he may thing that he doesn’t want to go down that “sickly” road again but then again, his personality says he’ll be like that’s fine I got your back.. My question, is when do I tell him.
Torie
I believe being upfront is the best approach. It limits the stress in a relationship and on you, with having lupus! I know you are afraid to open up with him because the relationship is new, but if he has survived cancer then he will have a good understand for what you go through with lupus! Remember lupus is not always a death sentence anymore! It is a life with limitations and I call that reality. Be open and get it off your chest!
Best of luck and I am sure it will all workout the way it is suppose to!
Deenie
Thanks so much Deenie.. I think we'll have that conversation this week... I just didn't want to be giving too much information to early, but hey... It is what it is right, lol
I agree with Deenie. It's best to be open about it from early in the game. It's just part of who you are. If that scares him off, you don't want him anyway. My instinct is that I'd try to be casual about it. Like, "oh I have this appointment tomorrow because I have lupus" or something. I wouldn't make it a Big Thing. I'm not an expert, though. I just got diagnosed a few days ago :)
Torie
For what it is worth, I am not an expert about this kind of thing, it is just advise from life experiences that I feel this way! I wish you the best with the conversation and you will have to let us know how it goes! Again, I am sure it will be fine and workout the way it is suppose to.
Deenie
Torie Wise said:
Thanks so much Deenie… I think we’ll have that conversation this week… I just didn’t want to be giving too much information to early, but hey… It is what it is right, lol
Thanks, I feel he will handle it good and tell me don't worry he's got my back... He's a sweetheart like that, but I just didn't want to scare him too early, lol
LOL! Trust your gut! Scare him! See what he is made of!
Deenie
Torie Wise said:
Thanks, I feel he will handle it good and tell me don’t worry he’s got my back… He’s a sweetheart like that, but I just didn’t want to scare him too early, lol
I would tell him before you get further along into the relationship. He’s a cancer survivor he knows what it’s like to be sick. I bet he’ll support you 110 percent.
I was diagnosed when my boyfriend and I started dating. I was so scared he was going to bolt. I assumed the worst. But when I told him he made a vow to care for me whenever I am sick. We’ve been together for 3 years now and if it wasnt for his love & support I’d have a hell of a harder time.
I say tell 'em it’s part of who you are
One of the most important things in a relationship is honesty. If he has told you about him having cancer. Then I say it is only right and fare to tell him now in the beginning of the relationship.
I like this comment! See what he's made of! It is hard to tell people especially if their next question is, "What is Lupus?". That's when the long explanation starts.... But it sounds like better early than late and if he can't handle it, then he'e not the one! Best of luck to you! :-)
Dewing3569 said:
LOL! Trust your gut! Scare him! See what he is made of!
Deenie
Torie Wise said:Thanks, I feel he will handle it good and tell me don't worry he's got my back... He's a sweetheart like that, but I just didn't want to scare him too early, lol
I do not believe that you should be open from that start. You do not even know this person really, so you do not need to tell them something that is personal and private. Plus, what if you find out after month of dating that he is not trustworthy and you decide to stop seeing him. He tells friends about how you have lupus or something wrong with your immune system and next thing you are getting phone call from a friend or family member saying what is this about you having HIV or some other illness not even close to lupus.
People mix things up even if you tried to explain it...he is going to remember that it had to do with your immune system so that is how it gets to be HIV or cancer, MS or whatever. I have had this happen to myself and others when only thing person heard was autoimmune and got further from truth more people that were told.
i agree when you do tell him not to make big deal about it. Since i trust them, i say ask anything you like about it or would you like some sites to read about it and I also explain where I am at with it. I also let them know how i must avoid sun during peak hours or okay if we are mainly in the shade since i love being outdoors.
BUT, this is your life and you need to do what is right for you. I personally had to learn how to set boundaries as I originally would tell people right aways and after i heard that others thought i had HIV or some kind of Cancer I realized it was better to wait till i know the person is one that i trust and will really listen to me plus respect my wishes not to tell others since it is my place to decide who knows or not.
you might try journaling about it to see how you really feel about him...do you really trust him...has he done things to show he is trustworthy? I just do not want to see you hurt.
I sincerely hope that it turns out that it does not matter at all to him.
One thing you have to remember when you do decide to tell him is that there is a chance his cancer may come back in the future. That being the case, would YOU be able to take care of him? Not only do you have to take this into consideration because of your health, but so does he. He may just wonder the same thing. In your heart I’m sure you’d want to take care of him, but would it even be physically possible at times if you start flaring? He’ll probably wonder the same thing about you. Would he be able to take care of you if he had to focus on himself and fighting cancer again? Love is a powerful thing and can overcome tremendous obstacles, but I think you both should enter into this relationship with your eyes wide open. I hope I don’t sound harsh, but this is how I approach life, being realistic. If he can’t accept your lupus it might not be because he’s selfish. It may be because he knows he will never be able to “fix” you and also he may not even be able to “help” you at times if his cancer returns. Men like to be heroes. If he does accept your lupus and you become serious then I say God bless you two. Love can move mountains.
Thanks siskiyousis.... You made some very great points... We have some mutual friends and from what i've heard and seen so far he's a good person... I think I'll just take it slow but I will let him know early on what's going on with me... I just dont want to fall head over heels and then tell him and he can't deal, so I'd rather get it out the way early... I really don't care if he tells people because it's not a secret to me, my mom has it so it's been a very open topic for me for a long time. I will take my time with him and keep you all posted.. and thanks for caring
siskiyousis said:
I do not believe that you should be open from that start. You do not even know this person really, so you do not need to tell them something that is personal and private. Plus, what if you find out after month of dating that he is not trustworthy and you decide to stop seeing him. He tells friends about how you have lupus or something wrong with your immune system and next thing you are getting phone call from a friend or family member saying what is this about you having HIV or some other illness not even close to lupus.
People mix things up even if you tried to explain it...he is going to remember that it had to do with your immune system so that is how it gets to be HIV or cancer, MS or whatever. I have had this happen to myself and others when only thing person heard was autoimmune and got further from truth more people that were told.
i agree when you do tell him not to make big deal about it. Since i trust them, i say ask anything you like about it or would you like some sites to read about it and I also explain where I am at with it. I also let them know how i must avoid sun during peak hours or okay if we are mainly in the shade since i love being outdoors.
BUT, this is your life and you need to do what is right for you. I personally had to learn how to set boundaries as I originally would tell people right aways and after i heard that others thought i had HIV or some kind of Cancer I realized it was better to wait till i know the person is one that i trust and will really listen to me plus respect my wishes not to tell others since it is my place to decide who knows or not.
you might try journaling about it to see how you really feel about him...do you really trust him...has he done things to show he is trustworthy? I just do not want to see you hurt.
I sincerely hope that it turns out that it does not matter at all to him.
Hi Torrie,
I agree with Deenie being up front and honest is the best policy!! Good Luck to you I'm sure it will be ok..................God Bless!
Torie,
What would you want if the tables were turned? Meaning..what if he was the one that had Lupus...Would you want to know? Would you want him to tell you? How would you react?
In the end... go with your "gut"..what feels "right" to you? I agree with some of the other comments about not making it too big of a deal.... and be sure to explain it so he isn't making assumptions that are not accurate... let us know what you decide to do... Good luck!
Well said... and thank you so much.. I considered that as well and I think we'll be an asset to each other... We'll take it slow now and see where it goes.. I"m convinced tho that I will tell him, I don't like going into anything with blinders on and this way all of our cards are on the table from the start.. Thanks for the advice
Keepkeepinon said:
One thing you have to remember when you do decide to tell him is that there is a chance his cancer may come back in the future. That being the case, would YOU be able to take care of him? Not only do you have to take this into consideration because of your health, but so does he. He may just wonder the same thing. In your heart I'm sure you'd want to take care of him, but would it even be physically possible at times if you start flaring? He'll probably wonder the same thing about you. Would he be able to take care of you if he had to focus on himself and fighting cancer again? Love is a powerful thing and can overcome tremendous obstacles, but I think you both should enter into this relationship with your eyes wide open. I hope I don't sound harsh, but this is how I approach life, being realistic. If he can't accept your lupus it might not be because he's selfish. It may be because he knows he will never be able to "fix" you and also he may not even be able to "help" you at times if his cancer returns. Men like to be heroes. If he does accept your lupus and you become serious then I say God bless you two. Love can move mountains.
Daisy said:
Torie,
What would you want if the tables were turned? Meaning..what if he was the one that had Lupus...Would you want to know? Would you want him to tell you? How would you react?
In the end... go with your "gut"..what feels "right" to you? I agree with some of the other comments about not making it too big of a deal.... and be sure to explain it so he isn't making assumptions that are not accurate... let us know what you decide to do... Good luck!
Thank you so much... I"m going to tell him probably this weekend and I'll let you all know how it goes...
Thanks carol, I sure hope so... I think he's a keeper, lol
Carol said:
Hi Torrie,
I agree with Deenie being up front and honest is the best policy!! Good Luck to you I'm sure it will be ok..................God Bless!
Thanks Daisy... that's exactly how I looked at it. I'll see how it goes this weekend.
Daisy said:
Torie,
What would you want if the tables were turned? Meaning..what if he was the one that had Lupus...Would you want to know? Would you want him to tell you? How would you react?
In the end... go with your "gut"..what feels "right" to you? I agree with some of the other comments about not making it too big of a deal.... and be sure to explain it so he isn't making assumptions that are not accurate... let us know what you decide to do... Good luck!
Hello, if I was in your place-(I would let him know ) , I believe letting people know what is going on with you is the best way to deal with someone who you are interested with . Give the choice to continue , or not . And also explain how it affect you -just be open to the fact that you have Lupus , if he is a understanding person , I believe he will continue with you . Of course it also how long you two have been dating!! Hope things work out for you…Beverly L.