I want to start dating I am only 45 and would love to have a companion again. I really don’t know how to go about this with my flare ups and many restrictions I have to deal with because of my fibro and lupus. I guess I am afraid that I would be rejected because of my illness. My ex cheated and stated that this was too much for him. We married in2006 and I was diagnosed in 2010. Can any one offer suggestions or can relate to my situation?
I date online and I state what’s wrong with me on my profile and say if they think they can handle it then contact me 
I’ve met a nice guy online and am currently talking to him and have been for a couple of weeks and I’m finally meeting him on Saturday!! I hope it goes well… He knows everything about lupus now and he knows he can handle it when I’m really ill I’ve warned him about how bad it can get but he’s fine with it… Also his step mum has lupus so he’s had some experience of it… Alot more people than we realise know about this disease and even if they don’t they can learn… I’ve had relationships ruined because of this bit if they leave us just because of our disease then they obviously aren’t worth it… We need someone strong to look after us when we need it… So yeah I suggest online because if someone doesn’t want to deal with our lupus then they don’t talk to us xx
I think knowing you have lupus would make the difference. I had a hard time when I was struggling getting a diagnosis. That is the hard part. Everyone starts to think you are just crazy. At least my family, friends and boyfriend did. Be honest about it if he can’t handle it he isn’t worth it good luck!
http://www.lupus.org/webmodules/webarticlesnet/templates/default.as…
I would suggest this helpful article from Lupus Now on dating, which has become my mantra! I’m only 25 (26 tomorrow!) and I’m shopping for a first-time companion and stable, dedicated father of the children I hope to have! I just started a great relationship with a friend of 4 years who knew my situation before things turned romantic. And he’s already demonstrated being “there for me” many times. Early on when we took the plunge into getting more intimate, his first comment about my circumstances is that he loves the opportunity to help care for someone he cares so much about.
However, it’s not all roses or happily-ever-after just because of intentions. Recently, we’ve been struggling with what that support really means to us both. I know he accepts me for who I am and the fact of my daunting challenges (my mental health is a mess as well, with NPSLE.) However, it’s a struggle to communicate what I need (and how much I really need it, as opposed to merely preferring it) and what my limitations are without him feeling like his needs aren’t a part of the equation, or his efforts appreciated, or his own struggles given full weight in comparison with my major ones. He has stated he cares for me deeply and recently we got to "I love you"s, but says the one “unattractive quality” he’s not sure he can handle is my tendency towards self-centeredness in conversation. I have quite the mouth on me, but it’s not at all that I don’t care for his perspective, and I honestly intend to share what I’m going through for his benefit of understanding it, evaluating whether it’s compatible with what he wants in life, and to give him that opportunity he stated craving: to nurture, provide for, and matter to someone he loves (and who loves him back immensely…) But how can I better show my intentions and true appreciation for all he does and does understand?)It’s really tough to balance my expectations with my sense of gratitude and I’m working hard at it to grow a healthy relationship.
The article I mentioned emphasizes strong, honest, gentle communication as the key navigating love & lupus, but really all relationships. Think of the fact that, just like we savor and take seriously how we live each day, we have greater concern for health in relationships and greater capacity for empathy if we can get past our own desperation to be helped bearing this burden. Right now he’s feeling ill with some feverishness and fatigue with subtle cold-like symptoms, going on for over a week, and I’m trying to get him to slow down, take care of himself, and let me take care of him. I’m starting to get pretty worried because I haven’t caught it from him even though I’m quite immunosuppressed, which means it might not be a contagious bug after all, and he’s had a concerning lump on his back for a while that hasn’t been checked yet. Now I’m getting pushy with my advocacy and concern, yet trying to balance it with respect for his ability to manage his own health. I hate it when people interfere or criticize how I’m handling mine… Yet I appreciate it when their advice proves helpful results I was too stubborn (or mentally unsound) to get to on my own or at least shows that they really care (even if they’re making idiotic and insulting, perhaps even judgmental, suggestions! It comes from good intention, and that’s what I try so hard to remember while my blood boils!)
Best of luck, and remember your lupus-managing skills will help you be a conscientious partner, even though obviously a more difficult one than most! But life partners get sick at any unexpected time, just like we once did. I’m already prepping myself for the scary possibility that he has some kind of scary early cancer (he’s 37), and planning the ways I can be there for him (home duties, health system navigation, emotional support) even if I can’t be his superhero like I’d love to be. And I’m trying to use that same sense of great care and concern to understand and be patient when he feels the heat of my challenges and reacts negatively to the loss of space for his needs. I hope like crazy he’s totally fine, but I’m also comforted to know I can handle it if he’s not. People need each other, and giving all you can might not be enough, but it might be more than someone more self-centered would offer! Stay open and patient, look for those who will do the same, and I’m confident your relationships can thrive
Brynn
OMG Ann, best silent birthday song EVER! As you can see from my story above, things are looking SO much more promising for my 26th year. I’m even mending things in my most fractured relationship–with my mom.
Funny with the relationship success so far, because last birthday, 2 weeks after my prelim diagnosis, I decided to shape up about better standards and behavior for dating (and failed at this numerous times!) as well as the intention to find someone I wanted to be with for the long haul when I’m 26. Perhaps found him? Hoping so! And right under my nose where I had been holding off on seduction for fear of threatening a great friendship. I guess I decided I was finally ready to make it a better one A happy birthday indeed.
There are many good and compassionate men out there that are willing to accept all you have to offer, including lupus. If you meet one that can’t, then he’s just not the right one for you. Don’t be too hard on yourself if this happens. You’ve already been through it and I know that doesn’t make it any easier, but have faith that he’s out there and just waiting to meet a special woman like you. Don’t forget that relationships are a matter of lots of communication and compromising. Even relationships without chronic illness have their struggles and issues. I met my husband when I was 15. I’m now 45 and believe me when I say we’ve had our struggles because of my illness and BEFORE my illness. That’s just how relationships go. I’m glad you want to find love and companionship again despite what you’ve been through. For women that choose to remain single, I respect that choice, too and totally understand why.
I would try online dating if I were single. I wouldn’t put it in my profile though. I’d eventually meet the man first before telling him - depending on if he’s a keeper or not. Would it be on the first date, second or third? I don’t know. I’d play it by ear and instinct.
If you have friends or relatives that could set you up that might make things easier. They could let your date know ahead of time that they know this great woman who happens to have lupus.
I have been thinking of dating again to. My daughter is all for it my son not so much. I will be 46 in a couple of weeks. My ex-husband and I got back together and it did not last a year he could not deal with my illness. I had problems when we were married but was not diagnosed with lupus. If I do decide to date I will probably try online. Let me no what you decide.
OH YES I CAN, PEOPLE DONT UNDERSTAND US BECAUSE WE LOOK HEALTHY SO THEY CANT SEE WHATS GOING ON INSIDE I HAVE DATED ONLINE AND HAVE FRIENDS ONLINE AND I WORK SO A LOT OF PEOPLE DONT SEE MY PAIN BUT I CANT DO WHAT I USE TO DO IM PRETTY MUCH AT WORK AND THEN HOME TO SAVE MY ENERGY SO DATING CAN BE A STRUGGLE FOR ME BECAUSE IM NOT AS ACTIVE AS I USE TO BE BUT I KEEP TRYING, THERE ARE PEOPLE JUST LIKE US THAT ARE NOT AS ACTIVE AND LONELY AND WANT SOMEONE AND A LEAST THEY KNOW WHERE NOT GOING TO BE RUNNING THE STREETS LOL. I DONT PUT MY ILLNESS OUT THERE UNTIL I FILL COMFORTABLE, I FILL GOOD PEOPLE WILL EXCEPT ME AS I EXCEPT THEM AS I IM
If you can get your significant other to go to any doc appts with you, this can be SO beneficial. My husband goes whenever he can. I had been ill off and on during the 6+ yrs we dated before we married and he still was insistent that we do it. There are others that have dated and married with their spouses knowing they had Lupus. It's not out of the realm of possibility. There are several support groups through the Lupus Foundation as well as local groups that have members that deal with chronic illnesses. It may be a place to start. Your life is not over.
Yes!, trying to date is hard , but that don’t mean wecan’t try!! Me , myself just decided to have friends nothing personal (like being in a relationship), there are times when I don’t won’t to be bothered with my on self . So if tha t is something you want to do , go for it , but let the person know there are something’s that you will not be able to do , most of all make sure that the person you choose to date understand what is going on or could happen -in other words everybody does not need to know about your illness . Personal things don’t have to be discussed unless youre planning to be with that person for awhile. But try to be honest with them that there are just something’s that you can’t do for personal reasons. Good luck …Beverly L.
I thank you all for your stories and advice. I am going to try online dating. I am not working and my children live on their own. My grandson keeps me busy. The girls come by frequently to check on me or to do things for me. They also have their own lives and I want them to enjoy it. I desire to have a companion. I will keep you posted on my journey. Hugs and kisses.
My boyfriend and I have been dating 2.5 years, before that we were friends for 2 years. In January we moved in together and in April we got the Lupus diagnosis. Its been hard on us, but we are getting through it. We kinda have this deal he pays the bills and I keep the house clean and cook. He helps with stuff like the yard and garage but I mainly keep the inside clean. He does help cook but I do the majority of the cooking. This agreement works out pretty well for us I think we are both happy with the arrangement however when I have a flare I really don't feel like doing anything and I let things go depending on how bad it is. He gets frustrated and that is something we are working on, his understanding of lupus. I think he tries to understand but still doesn't get it. It is defiantly possible to date with Lupus and have a good relationship but like all relationships it needs work and understanding and it will be a process.
Wow, that’s the same arrangement my boyfriend and I have! Except it started under pretty pressured circumstances, and the conflicts arise more from our personal interactions (how much I talk about how I’m feeling or my other major stresses) and the loss of participation in recreational activities. He’s quite relaxed about cleanliness and doesn’t place any expectation on me to do it. He gets busy and messy too, and all his friends who come over remark on how uncannily organized and clean the place is, while he is charmed by me being the first to ever present him fresh-folded laundry. I couldn’t be happier to do my end of the work when I can, plus the finishing touches to show affection along with. What’s harder is when I say “I can’t” about things or have to always modify plans. When he met me, I was this go-go-go college student and performing artist, vs. now I haven’t worked in the last year and a half! My parents were supporting me financially, and I first moved in with him when my parents started blaming me for “failure to take responsibility as an adult” and squeezing me to get me off what they see as an inappropriate welfare-like dependence on them (plus an inappropriately large need for their emotional support… This has been first year with Lupus and they basically can’t grasp it and have thus blamed me.) Things are smoothing out with them, but thd money has changed from help to loans I must pay them back when I get working again, and I’ve totally stopped seeking their emotional and life-planning support because it just brings fighting and destruction. But that now means my boyfriend, who has a ton on his plate already, is in the line of fire for both finances and my tumultuous emotions.
When I first lived with him, we did so as roommates actually. Throughout our friendship, there had been chemistry that neither of us lit the fire on. One or the other was dating someone, or nervous about rejection and/or unraveling a good friendship… We had snuggled the two times I had crashed at his house after hanging out somewhere, but that was it. He asked me once why nothing had ever started I suggested a boundary of no snuggling while I lived there (as a roommate) because it would complicate things after he was already graciously opening up his spare room when he prefers the while place to himself (…indeed was in the process of online dating…) We actually hardly hung out while I lived there, with opposite schedules of home & away, which disappointed me a bit but was better for keeping a boundary for his space to be in his house and free of my drama! He started texting more and inviting me over once I had moved on to an extended dog-sitting assignment, and I warned him times were tough and I had always been a difficult girlfriend even before things got as dire as they were now! He said it pained Jim to hear me talk about myself that way and made him want to change that way of thinking and do something about my quality of life–in terms of relationships. I hustled up one more place to stay after house sitting and a backup option for this summer, but we had gotten more serious and I felt comfortable to ask about staying with him again, this time with him. He was more than willing, but now we’re brushing up against the things I predicted would happen!
The main thing that seems to really get to him is feeling like I say he’s not doing enough for me. It’s the opposite; he’s doing more for me than I would ever have expected and hardly feel comfortable asking for (and to me it’s a significant positive mark that I even felt comfortable to seek his help…) But I’m trying my best to look at how I talk to him about his help and my additional (I realize enormous) needs, rather than assuming he knows I want to help however I can for him to stay afloat and thriving in his busy, stressful life, and that I’m not looking for an “I’m more tired/stressed/pitiable aka need more than you” competition. I keep emphasizing that the reason I discuss my needs and limitations is to explain why I’d ask so much of him and do less than I’d want to help him, plus to give him the true view for adequately informed consent to pursue this relationship! He sees it as self-centered when I mean it for his benefit. We’re working through it, and it sure makes me realize just how important to me he is when I realize that the prospect of it falling apart makes me more stressed over losing “us” than losing a comfortable home with enough food, which had been on-and-off in the prior months (sometimes had money for food in a compromised living space, another time I had a great place to stay but was shorting myself calories to stretch food a week longer than I normally can while I waited for enough money to buy it! That’s the definition of being classified “in hunger”, actually…) I haven’t even told him that story… How could I without it sounding like a huge pressure: you must feed me or I will go hungry! It’s just a fact of the matter right now, and my skirting of that issue and over-explaining of why I’m not gainfully employed when he’s heard it all before isn’t helping either of us! The previous friendship makes it easier to trust him and ask for help, yet places more expectation that he’d never say/do anything hurtful… And that happens even when it’s not meant that way. I certainly dish out plenty myself if not more. But we certainly have plenty of love for each other and are trying to figure out how to share it safely! Relationships are hard, but so worthwhile…
Brynn
Cammie2269 said:
My boyfriend and I have been dating 2.5 years, before that we were friends for 2 years. In January we moved in together and in April we got the Lupus diagnosis. Its been hard on us, but we are getting through it. We kinda have this deal he pays the bills and I keep the house clean and cook. He helps with stuff like the yard and garage but I mainly keep the inside clean. He does help cook but I do the majority of the cooking. This agreement works out pretty well for us I think we are both happy with the arrangement however when I have a flare I really don’t feel like doing anything and I let things go depending on how bad it is. He gets frustrated and that is something we are working on, his understanding of lupus. I think he tries to understand but still doesn’t get it. It is defiantly possible to date with Lupus and have a good relationship but like all relationships it needs work and understanding and it will be a process.
Wow Brynn, I didn't go into much detail but my boyfriend and I have had a similar road:) When we met 4.5 years ago I was working full time at Target in Human Resources, going to school full time for Science teacher 4-8. I started getting sick alot and we didn't know why, went to lots of doctors and they told me it was all stress and depression related to cut back on things. After talking to my parents I moved into one of their rental properties and cut work back to part time and continued going to school. Eventually my parents got tired of having me at their rental with only a year left of school. So I started working full time and stopped going to school and got my own apartment. I kept getting sick or just not feeling good, felt like the flu without the high fever and upper respiratory. But when I did actually get sick it was upper respiratory. My boyfriend asked me to move in with him and told me I wouldn't have to pay bills to just work part time for my phone and car insurance and to go to school full time again. Then we got the Lupus diagnosis and its been touch and go. We talked about it and I quite my job of almost 9 years and I'm staying home. We hopped with less stress I would start to feel better. Everything has been going really well, I get up cook him breakfast before he goes to work and I always have dinner ready for him when he gets home. I love a clean house and so does he. Its been great. Plus I have time to meet friends now for lunch and pedicures etc. It has affected our social life though, we have always and all our friends been drinkers, we get together anywhere from7-15 of us and we drink, play cards, sit my a fire or go out of town and party down. I can't really drink much anymore it makes me sick. One night of drinking and I am recovering for 2-4 days. We like to do things outside as well; camp, fish, hunt, beach and with the whole sun thing it makes it difficult. In the beginning I was like I can be in the sun thats just for other people. Well I sure regretted that I went to the beach from 10 am to 5 pm and that night was sicker than a dog and I broke out in hives all over my body. It was so weird just last summer I was at the beach all the time no problems. I think the social thing is the hardest for him, I encourage him to go without me but he rarely does, he says he wants me to be there:( Makes me feel bad. We did get in an argument this morning because I am currently in a flare and all I have done since Saturday night is lay around. His clothes are dirty, dishes need to be done and I haven't cooked for him. He became Mr. Attitude asking me when I think I'll be able to get up and do my chores. I lost it. I think he is stressed with work and my health and he just picked a fight with me. We have a hard time communicating about the Lupus. I know it makes him feel helpless, he can't make me feel better. So I try not to tell him when I'm feeling poorly because I know how it makes hime feel. At some point we will have to try to figure out a way to be open about it. I know he joined an online Lupus group for family members but he won't tell me what they talk about and I don't push the issue. I just have to keep in mind that Lupus isn't just happening to me it is happening to him as well. We plan on having kids and the Lupus will affect that as well. Its a lot for a man to take in knowing if he chooses to spend the rest of his life with me that he is spending the rest of his life with the limitations Lupus puts on us at times. We are still new to this so hopefully in time it will get better.
Cammie2269 said:
My boyfriend and I have been dating 2.5 years, before that we were friends for 2 years. In January we moved in together and in April we got the Lupus diagnosis. Its been hard on us, but we are getting through it. We kinda have this deal he pays the bills and I keep the house clean and cook. He helps with stuff like the yard and garage but I mainly keep the inside clean. He does help cook but I do the majority of the cooking. This agreement works out pretty well for us I think we are both happy with the arrangement however when I have a flare I really don't feel like doing anything and I let things go depending on how bad it is. He gets frustrated and that is something we are working on, his understanding of lupus. I think he tries to understand but still doesn't get it. It is defiantly possible to date with Lupus and have a good relationship but like all relationships it needs work and understanding and it will be a process.
Go for it! My parents (step dad) met online and they have now been married 14 years. I know a lot of people that are dating or married that met online. I was lucky I have a large group of friends and actually met my boyfriend thru the group. Many men cheat it seems to be their solve all when things get tough. Not all men cheat though:) I have been cheated on in the past and it is very hurtful but we have to move on and trust again in order to be happy. I never checked but is there an online dating service for people with diseases? Maybe you can meet someone that way, at least then they will be able to understand what you are going though. But if you do date someone outside the connective tissue community then just make sure you are up front. We all come with "baggage" every person has a past, every person goes through trials and tribulations. Not saying your Lupus is baggage although it does feel like bags of weight on your shoulders sometimes lol. You and your disease are a package deal, the disease is only a small portion of your life and I'm sure you have so much to offer someone in return. Dating is scary whether you have Lupus or not and there may be let downs but don't give up. We all deserve to love and be loved. Get out there and meet people.
Wow, that’s for sharing your stories. I just joined an online dating site yesterday. I am excited and afraid at the same time. It will be nice chatting and getting to know others.
Hello Purplefav, I can totally relate, I have been single for awhile and am very tired of being single, it is difficult to tell a new potential mate that you have lupus for fear of rejection of all the things that could happen to a lupus patient, however there are a lot of men that I have attempted to date that seemed ok with the fact that I have lupus, other issues are what prevented our relationship from working. I am 47 and I am not able, willing or wanting to go for long walks like I use to because of my condition, sometimes I have foot pain, sometimes my whole body aches, sometimes I am fatigued and I do worry that my condition will cause a person to get fed up with me if I don't feel like doing all the things that they want to do. I just pray that when I am blessed with my significant other that he is understanding. Best of luck in finding love. God bless you! Lady CJ
There are men out there that are willing to look at the person and not the disease Kitty's husband, Tez_20's husband and David who find out as much info about the disease as his wife his has it. Those special men and women are out there. Never give up!
XOXO,
DeAnne