On again...on again

If Lupus would just stop morphing into one thing after another.

I am weary.

But Lupus goes on...

I used to think it went on again and off again...

but it just goes on.

right now it is on a sleep all the time (even when trying hard to stay awake...like when someone is talking to me face to face...or when I need to drive.) OR never sleep. Never go to bed unless I am absolutely exhausted.

My nutritionist (and possible future guru) says that I, like so many others avoid going to bed.

bedtime, like mercury rolled in a ball, gets harder to capture the more we want it.

Why I avoid is murky territory that I am too vulnerable to explore, but what I do to avoid going to bed might be worth exploring, because maybe we have that in common...and maybe if we see we are not alone, it will be possible to change; awareness is the first step to change.

So I am aware that I

1. get a knot in my belly when I think bedtime is approaching

a. so I eat something,

b. or start to watch an episode of In Plain Sight, and then one more...not because I want to, but because I dont want to go to bed.

c. or knit or crochett

d. or do anything to keep the BED Monster from nipping at my heels.

2. I won't change into pjs, but I keep my day clothes on...even sleep in them because to change clothes feels like I am giving in, and that is too scary

3. I write. It is therapeutic, but it's not sleep.

do you have similar avoidance habits?


Minis not the same as yours....I avoid sleep because I want to awake for

every moment of the life allotted me. If that sounds morbid I'm sorry but there it is....

no no that does not sound morbid at all,,,quite the opposite! I applaud anyone who loves this life enough to grab it with both hands and hang on tight. I have posted this song before, but I want to share it with you, because you sound like someone who is wise and appreciates the sweet old world.