It is 3:27 am, awoken by the constant coughing upon laying down and an ear infection. I can't decide which is worse, the physical pain or the emotional pain of having to adjust my life everyday for this illness. I am a go-getter, no-excuse making lady, when I set my mind on something it is done. Now, I don't know what lies ahead for me, it makes me unsure and scared.
Earlier today, during normal hours LOL, my daughter said to me "Mom, are we going out today?" I looked and said give me some time T, I need to rest. Not sure if I am resting because of fatigue or hiding because of diagnosis, can't tell right now. I am trying to grapple with the idea that I may never be able to produce a child again. All these years, I have waited after having my wonderful daughter, until the time was right. First, I had to get my degree(s) then, I had to establish myself in my career, then, I had to be in a relationship closer to 3 years before trying again. Now, all those criterions don't matter, I would just be happy with a little baby once again. Or, I would be happy going to the beach and hanging out with family, or just being able to get up and go somewhere, once again, regardless of the temperature outside.
Even though, I am newly diagnosed, these feelings, aches, pains and other physical symptoms are not new, they are far too familiar and not welcomed. Grappling with the reality of not being well enough on a daily basis to do things I love, while telling myself, you just need to do it, but when I "just do it" I feel worse then before. Not sure how long I have had Lupus, even though new diagnosis, wondering if that is a factor in other metabolic events in my life?
Once met a guy and fell deeply in love, we lived together for 2 years, I became pregnant, but lost the baby in the fifth week of pregnancy, the doctor said "its a blessing, when a woman looses a baby that early, it means the baby was sick or did not form right" I smiled through the tears and mourned the loss of child. My now ex, was supportive but asked me "what happened?" why did you miscarry? I looked and did not reply, I did not know what to say, could this have been a sign of autoimmune? I don't know.
This year 2010, I have gone through so much heart ache, turmoil and problems from losing my dad to heart attack in December, becoming estranged from my mother almost immediately after his death (reasons still unknown) and now this diagnosis, I am living with this and trying to stay positive, but I am all alone. I have not told my cousin, whom is like my sister, because she knows all my struggles and I feel this is just one more struggle that I can't bare to add to her plate. I told my daughter on Saturday, she cried when I said "I probably can not have any more kids" but other than that she is great. I do not have a significant other or boyfriend so I am alone in this process. Calling my mother is far out of the question, we haven't spoken for 8 months and she has demonstrated such hatred and contempt towards me it is almost borderline psychotic. Here I am going through all these different hurdles alone, but only until I found Life with Lupus.
Thank goodness I found a group of people that are open, sharing, concerned and understand my plights, I am very thankful for finding this group.