I have a date today... (first in a long time)- Don't want to bring my cane :(

General
1

This isn't really a question, more just a pile of nerves....Gah... I shouldn't be dating yet, I'm such a nervous wreck and still not well enough to date by any stretch. But as ofcourse it always happens, I met someone really cool and so want to go out with them... but I don't want to bring my cane and currently I can't walk well enough without it.....

That's going to be totally hot, showing up somewhere with a cane.

(my inner monologue talking..) And btw, I'm almost 25.

Ok, deep btreathes...

And keep telling myself that if I don't bring the cane, It's much worse to limp around and make myself sicker.

2

I completely understand how you are feeling! I am currently in a wheel chair it has taken a lot of time to get used to going places in it. But I Have learned if I still want to have a life and do as many normal things as a 20 yr old does I have to take. I hope you can go out for one night and have a nice time! Wish you the best of luck! :)

3

I know EXACTLY how you feel!I’m 34, heavily tattooed a hair stylist and self proclaimed fasionistia that needs a cane too:) it’s really great that you are putting yourself out there by dating and meeting new people. … a great partner should come with an unwavering acceptance and desire to comfort you through any and all obstacles that arise in life. Everyone has challenges so hopefully you’ll meet a wonderful date that knows that too…The cane is not who you are, its just a sometimes inconvenience accessory to keep you living life!GOODLUCK:)

4

Paint flames and skulls on it!!!

5

Use your cane, make a joke about it, like it’s for poking annoying people…lol Better to be safe and temporarily uncool than make yourself more sick.

6

Take the cane and just say you hurt your hip or knee, just the individual item that hurts not the global issue which is true, eventually you can tell him the global issue. You can get some sympathy points without scaring him off and having to talk about it just yet. I totally understand. And then have fun with it and make it a cool accessory :slight_smile: you will do great, just have a nice time and be yourself without the lupus. Cause that is who we really are after all, right! Have fun!

7

I agree with dawncelests.

Have a great night.

Cindy

8

Oh, I just hope you have a super time!

9

I’m been pondering that same ???. Am I ready to date with lupus?? I wasn’t going to attend my HS reunion due to my issue, not wanting people to see me on a cane or wheelchair but I had to come to truth/reality with myself especially being a dancer & drum majorette in band

10

I’m so glad I went to my reunion!! I had a blasted!! My classmates loved on me, still excepting me and accommodated me in my now. Be you, you deserve to have fun every once in a while:-) Allow people to love you as you are. If a man is willing to except you with lupus, he might be the one!!! Go Lillianb22!!

11

I hope it is wonderful and everyone is right, just be yourself. Please let us know...good or bad we are here for you!

12

Lillian, I think you will look good with the cane. Its a conversation starter and being honest is always the best policy for dating. Let us know how the date turns out.

13

Your lucky I wish I could have a date been so log since I have bee i the presence of the opposite sex had a kiss or a intimate hug how I would yearn for that, If he likes you he will except you cane and all , you dont have to come out on the first date and tell him you have lupus you can wait if it makes it that far until you feel comfortable, but you wont know until you try you are so young and so am I away, you have lupus ,lupus dont have you.

14

Go for It. Never know until you try.....but please take your cane......Own It - just as you would a new hair color or outfit. I agree with Michela think of it as an accessory. Just have fun & be yourself.

15

Rock that cane girl and have a great time!!!"if he’s a great guy the cane won’t matter…I’m a firm believer in laying your cards on the table from the get go,"He will except it or not…than it won’t be a waste of time…I told my husband on our first date that I was pretty sure he wouldn’t want to date me again when he found out how much baggage I had in my life…Ha!Ha!we have been married over 20yrs…enjoy yourself celeste

16

I’ve had autoimmune for 26 yrs. I became a young widow at the age of 48. The one thing keeping me from meeting others is the fact that this disease is causing me to lose my hair. I am not to the wig stage yet but it makes me so self conscious.

17

Thanks everyone so much for your comments!! I read them before my date and it made me feel alot better knowing that I had everyone's support!
Thank you thank you thank you!

So! *drumroll....* It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I had a little fight with myself before going, and told myself that if I didn't bring the cane, and he turned out to be an asshole, I'd get sicker for nothing- so I would bring it, and put myself first because this is hwat I have to learn to do, because if I end up actually dating the guy, then he's going to see it anyway. What matters more is how I ACT ABOUT IT. And, ofcourse, I can try and look super pretty to distract from the cane ;)

We met up, and he didn't say anything for a while, and then after about five minutes made a comment like "So, do you have to use that thing all the time?".. (in my head, I'm thinking- well, does it matter? Would you not like me if I did?")...and I took a deep breathe and said quietly that I don't always use it but I've been really unwell and that if I don't use it, I can't go out and do things as much and that I prefer that to staying home- and at first it sucked but I don't even notice it now. And he just didn't say anything.

I told him before our date that I had lupus- I prefer it that way because - I think, like someone said- I'd rather they make up their minds fast rather than get into something with someone and then tell them and they decide to run. So I didn't talk about being sick all night, I had a fabulous time- which was so nice and such a breathe of fresh air.. laughed so hard, etc, and then at the end of the night I asked him if he had any questions for me, and he said "oh, about wriitng?" I laughed and was like no-- I mean about being sick. I figured I might as well offer him this one chance to ask. And he said, no i actually read all about it online... and i start to think, oh that's a very bad thing lol.... I said, well I'd rather you ask and not make assumptions because some things you read on the internet can be a bit scary. And he said "Well, I just wonder I guess how you live with something so serious, because there's no cure." And I didn't say anything.

So.

I don't really know what to think. I wanted to cry and thank him for taking me out and letting me forget about being sick for a few hours- although, you never forget about lupus. It's like having a person in the room with you all the time who tells you how to get dressed, what to eat, when to sleep, how to walk..

But, for a few hours, I finally felt like I was twenty five, and even if I never see him again, I was really grateful for that.

I'm not ready to date- *or well enough* in a proper relationship by any means-- and I also don't want to bring anyone into my life at the moment... it's hard on me, and it's hard on them- to be involved with something like this.... so I think i will really take my time to see whether or not he's that kind of person..... I'll let you guys know what happens next!

18

How bad is it? I am also losing my hair... I can relate. I have a bald spot on the back of my head, and it comes out in handfulls in the shower and my hair brush needs to be cleaned once a day. It is awful. Have you considered getting a fill in clip? They are those inserts that you can put in, it makes your hair look thicker.

My mom uses them... you wouldn't know the difference at all. Celebrities use them all the time too.



Pat said:

I've had autoimmune for 26 yrs. I became a young widow at the age of 48. The one thing keeping me from meeting others is the fact that this disease is causing me to lose my hair. I am not to the wig stage yet but it makes me so self conscious.
19

Lillian, thanks for the info. I go to a full service salon that their specialty is people with thinning hair for any reason. My hairstylist still says at this point I do not have a need for anything for a cover up but I know that time will come. I’m only 52. My husband died, I didn’t. I just want the confidence to go out and not be judged or stared at. Maybe a piece is the answer or a trip to the salon the day I go out. Just very self conscious.

20

I am so glad you had a good time.

lillianb22 said:

Thanks everyone so much for your comments!! I read them before my date and it made me feel alot better knowing that I had everyone's support!
Thank you thank you thank you!

So! *drumroll....* It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I had a little fight with myself before going, and told myself that if I didn't bring the cane, and he turned out to be an asshole, I'd get sicker for nothing- so I would bring it, and put myself first because this is hwat I have to learn to do, because if I end up actually dating the guy, then he's going to see it anyway. What matters more is how I ACT ABOUT IT. And, ofcourse, I can try and look super pretty to distract from the cane ;)

We met up, and he didn't say anything for a while, and then after about five minutes made a comment like "So, do you have to use that thing all the time?".. (in my head, I'm thinking- well, does it matter? Would you not like me if I did?")...and I took a deep breathe and said quietly that I don't always use it but I've been really unwell and that if I don't use it, I can't go out and do things as much and that I prefer that to staying home- and at first it sucked but I don't even notice it now. And he just didn't say anything.

I told him before our date that I had lupus- I prefer it that way because - I think, like someone said- I'd rather they make up their minds fast rather than get into something with someone and then tell them and they decide to run. So I didn't talk about being sick all night, I had a fabulous time- which was so nice and such a breathe of fresh air.. laughed so hard, etc, and then at the end of the night I asked him if he had any questions for me, and he said "oh, about wriitng?" I laughed and was like no-- I mean about being sick. I figured I might as well offer him this one chance to ask. And he said, no i actually read all about it online... and i start to think, oh that's a very bad thing lol.... I said, well I'd rather you ask and not make assumptions because some things you read on the internet can be a bit scary. And he said "Well, I just wonder I guess how you live with something so serious, because there's no cure." And I didn't say anything.

So.

I don't really know what to think. I wanted to cry and thank him for taking me out and letting me forget about being sick for a few hours- although, you never forget about lupus. It's like having a person in the room with you all the time who tells you how to get dressed, what to eat, when to sleep, how to walk..

But, for a few hours, I finally felt like I was twenty five, and even if I never see him again, I was really grateful for that.

I'm not ready to date- *or well enough* in a proper relationship by any means-- and I also don't want to bring anyone into my life at the moment... it's hard on me, and it's hard on them- to be involved with something like this.... so I think i will really take my time to see whether or not he's that kind of person..... I'll let you guys know what happens next!