I’ve been married to my husband for 20 years. Divorce is never an option for us. He has a history of mental illness. He is highly functioning. We have gone to therapy and he takes a light medication called Busbarone not sure of the spelling there. Anyways my question is he has been spiraling downhill for a couple months now. Taking out outside multiple stresses on me about things that happen at work, being combative, paranoid and just many other symptoms that drove us to therapy many years ago. I’ve reminded and re-educated him on the tools he needs to implement and explained that I deal with multiple stressors with my Lupus and life without taking it out on him but he seems to not be getting it. Huge personality change as of recent. Did the medicine stop working or just becoming ineffective. The doctors put his mother on medication that makes her like a zombie and I don’t want that for him but at the end of my rope with dh. We sat down and talked last night about a handful of incidents that has happened that signal warning to me and he tried to minimize it all and I won’t go into detail but there was nothing small about them. Does anyone feel relationships might have been a trigger in Lupus. I’m 44 and exhausted from dealing with this on top of my health issues. Son is graduating Saturday. Seems to always add additional stress when I’m already stressed. Sorry to vent.
~ Donna
Hiya Donna. I started to write out this lengthy post about my own story of mental illness and my history of medicine and treatment but realized that most people probably don’t want to read all that. I’d be happy to share my experiences (I’ve had a major depressive disorder diagnosis since I was very young, PTSD, anxiety disorder, panic disorder and OCD tendencies, so I know my way around the DSM-5 along with many of the medications used to treat those illnesses, including Buspar) in private messages or if more people are interested in my story I’d be willing to share it here. I just tend to be a little long winded when it comes to talking about mental illness because there is still such a bad stigma attached to it. I may have a lot going on with my brain chemistry and have been through some bad things, but I’m still a pretty awesome person, as I’m sure your husband is too!
Hi Donna, I definitely understand what it’s like to have others health issues be a major stressor. In my early 20s I had a complete emotional breakdown so I understand mental illness very well. Mental illness can be tricky business. Medications need to change change at times, increased others. There are many many medications for mental illness. Your husbands mom may have had a bad experience with one but when you see these kind of warning signs it is important to get him to a doctor. There are many medications to try. It might take a while but I’m sure he’ll find the right one.
Also, it may be very beneficial for him to join a support group, as you have, so that you are not the only one he has to vent to.
Once his mental health improves you can concentrate solely on your health which will reduce your stress greatly. You are very strong, as you have to be with lupus, I know you can get through these rough times 
Just wanted to add that over the years I’ve taken a number of different anti-depressants and related prescription drugs, and the one your husband is on is the only one I felt totally uncomfortable with, and quit taking within a week. I believe the trade name is Buspar, and it was prescribed for me for relatively minor clinical depression and anxiety. It made me feel very nervous, dizzy, and like my mind was not in its normal, fairly clear-headed state - I was antsy, confused, and nervous. I couldn’t get off of it fast enough - and I’ve been on numerous antidepressants and anti-anxiety drugs since, and none have ever bothered me like the Buspar did. I’ve seen many people online complaining about its side effects, and have friends who’ve had similar bad experiences with it.
So it may well be worth seeing if you can get a change in his meds - it could make a big difference for both of you. And my sympathies about how much stress marital problems can cause and the toll it takes on your health - been there (twice) and totally relate, and yes, I have no doubt the cumulative stress contributed to, if not completely caused, my lupus and other health issues. And the stress of a major domestic flare-up can trigger a lupus flare for me, absolutely.
Best of luck - I hope you somehow find some relief soon. hugs!
Stress aggravates your condition. Being a family caretaker when you yourself require care can also be stressful and taxing. You must take care of yourself first to be able to care for others. Find someplace with a swimming pool where you can just walk around slowly in a circle. It is very calming and not taxing on the joints and muscles. You can also do yoga but it is important that you find some alone time to decompress and heal. You are on your own medical journey and he is on his. I have found that most people with Lupus are empathic people who absorb the emotions of others because they are very caring people. But that tends to affect our own bodies if we can't release the stress. Love your partner but also love yourself or your family will be here without you.
I too have taken that medication and also have nothing good to say about it. I felt either it wasn’t working or it made me feel uneasy and jumpy. Get a med change ASAP, and thank you for venting here, that’s what were here for
It sounds like he needs a medication change. My father and sister are both bi-polar and my mom and I battle depression so I understand the added stress. He could also be struggling with getting older as he watches your son becoming an adult. Mid life crisis time can be triggered by such events. My husband had a tough time a few years ago when our oldest graduated. I’m not looking forward to next year when our second graduates. He and my husband are very close. I suggest getting him in to see his doctor. The fact that he is dismissing of your concerns is a very good indicator that the meds aren’t enough. Good luck and keep us posted.
Donna it’s not the relationship that trigger flares but the stress of those relationships. My ex husband, once I was diagnosed, was seeing so many different women that I got tired of playing private detective. We discussed his issued and I recognized he was a sex addict. I suggested counseling and we went as a couple then they suggested individual. He quit after two sessions and became his own counselor and reverted back to his old ways. I was so stressed over this situation that I was in a flare for at least a year. I worked and missed many days to the point where I had to take off months. I was so depressed with low self esteem. I finally got up the courage to leave with nothing. Once I left my health went up hill fast. I found out he had a girl pregnant, during our marriage and now they are married. This was three years ago and my job became my stressor so I had to quit. I was homeless and a wonderful friend too me in and cared for me which has keep me stress free as possible. We are now engaged. Find a way to de stress. ( I suffer from PTSD, chronic depression and anxiety). I think you and your husband can survive this hump. You have 20 years of history. I am praying for you and your husband and healing.
Thank you for the encouragement Purplefav! You are correct about the stress rather then the relationship.
I really appreciate everyone’s input. Update: husband contacted our reverend the other night and he gave him good sound spiritual advice that I also had given him but then suggested he goes on medicine and he shared he is already on some. Of course he thought that as good enough. So I have to convince him to get back to the dr. ANNAMARIE : you touched on something that just may be a factor about getting older and the graduation. The baccalaurette mass was lastnight and he told me later he was thinking of our son when he was much younger and he described me as a flash picture in his mind. So, it may be the combo you mentioned.
Definately relationships can be triggers. I had a Bipolar husband and an Aspergers son. Husband would go on and off meds and he would be an asshole and abusive. Then he'd feel bad and remind of his illness and then I'd be sympathetic. It was to the point I was living in a constant flare.Personally I got to the point where I realized Im no martar or saint and this was my one and only life and I left him. Since our son relies on me and bonded to me more I needed to be sure I was going to be around. So I left him, bc his mental illness was going going to be a lifetime battle like mine. I have only room for one asshole under my roof and thats the constipated one on my bottom. Im remarried and living a calmer life that gives me comfort and gives my special needs son another reliable adult in his life. I know you said leaving isnt an option for you . So you'll be constantly be worse off over time choosing to stay
Querida, I understand about Bi-Polar. Husbands mom is and personality disorder and they have had her on every med at the highest dose and still no change. They won’t mention what she’s on now but it makes her comatose. Could be Lithium. Husband has adult ADHD and BiPolar and rages with anger about little things or imagined. (same symptoms of the mom) I know intellectually it’s abuse when he takes his stress out on me and I tell him what he does and how it effects me. After 11 year I once gave him an ultimatum therapy or divorce and he chose therapy, meds and showed he has a desire to work it out but may not have the tools. I choose to respond with compassion because of the covenent I made when we married. Im headed on a mission trip with church and will have time for prayer and perspective. It’s just very hard when you need someone while multiple stresses are going on and that person dumps more stress. That is a really simplified summation of the issue, its much more complicated. The school has managed to plan something for four days in a row for graduation and I’m pushing myself, physically to make it and it’s stretching him in his areas. I’m the pragmatic one. But emotionally it’s starting to take a toll. I lost 25 lbs very shortly in two months.
I just had a baby six moths ago i wish I could give you the 25 lbs. My ex mother in law was bi polar. geez she was something else. If I didnt have a special needs son perhaps we could have made it work. But he was just becoming more abusive toward me and my son . And he use his illness to get me to continue to sympathize. He threaten to set our son who was 9 nine on fire with lighter fluid. He knew I couldnt take his arguements and would lock me in a room with him and throw things at me for hours. I understand what you mean about promises and God, but (for me) my out look became.... Im Gods creation and I was choosing a hell and it became time for me to make a new choice. I can get along better with my ex from a far distance. And I wish him luck with his demons but Ive once again become a genuine giving person that I couldnt be bc I was just going through the motions and grabbing at things but still left alone drowning behind the mask I was putting on. I know some spritual ppl believe in marriage at any cost and I'll have to get forgiveness for ending my marriage. But Im a far better person now with a settle mind and heart
You absolutely did the right thing in your situation. I’m sorry, I did not mean to infer that you didn’t do the right thing by God. I came to that crossroad as well and maybe didn’t have enough courage to make the right move at the right time. I was beaten down at the time emotionally and mentally. Looking back I not only didn’t have the courage but didn’t have self respect to leave. At 44 i just dont have the energy to put up with it. We also have a son and he has been affected by his verbal and anger abuse. High functioning Autisim Spectrum. Struggles socially with peers but well like everywhere else with different ages etc. he is a man among boys with peer group.
Donna, where are you going on your mission? A friend recently explained that when you marry, You marry not just for life but for eternity. Which is completely amazing and romantic. I just wished I had asked about widows and widowers. Are they allowed to remarry? And if so, do they all have to be buried together? I looked into a great many faiths before I got married 20 years ago. I found one that fit me fairly well, but I found I enjoyed learning about them. Btw, my parents live about 20 minutes apart but are still married. She decided in her 60’s when her RA started getting much worse that the stress of living with a bipolar husband was keeping her very ill. Being Catholic they don’t want to divorce and they still do things together occasionally but she doesn’t have to deal with his angry rants. They get along so much better now…lol
Annemarie: My son and I are going to the Kentucky, Appalachian area for the mission trip. One of the poorest areas in the nation. I wanted to do something meaningful and lasting around his graduation time. I will trust I can do whatever is required of me. We are going with the churches youth group. I’m not a candidate for obvious reasons with my health to go to Africa or Equador but I find i am graced and equipped when I volunteer for anything that is for God.
Annemarie, it’s good to look into various faiths and religions. I have no plans to change but do a lot of research on other religions and protestans sects as well as dive deeper into mine. Learning the history of the church is a real eye opener. What did you find that fit you? Were you born Catholic and then change to something different? Yes, widows and widowers are allowed to remarry. Your friend is right. I heard a wonderful message on the radio the other day about how husbands are commanded to love their wives the way Christ loves the church. They are to present an image of Christ to their wives in how sacrificially they love. Both husband and wife are to be subjected to one another, not in a authoritative, obedience way, but humbly, sacrifially so that the relationship can be centered on the third person of God in that sacrament of marriage. Many hear obey and run. Obey to both dieing of oneself for the greater good of both and the rest of the family. He also talked about Christ as being the template for our lives. If your mom and dad are tech savvy there are free podcasts for this priest, Fr. John Riccardo.
Ooops!!Protestants…correcting my spelling…lol
I ended up in the hospital many tines . At the time I had no idea I had lupus and I was out of my mind in pain. I was 22 when I married and I did my best to push through . There is a correlation with stress and health and with lupus. It triggers your fight and flight hormones n which weakens your immune system n and for us causes our body to fight itself. I did marriage counseling three times twice it was religious. If this is the relationship you believe your meant for you need to find a better support system that will help you cope. There won’t be one from your husband he will always be sick ib some form even dormant n maybe within your church and family you can ppl to help you with day to day things or providing you breaks I know for a while my ex was working with Emory and was on some case studies wuth new meds . I guess there were times he wasn’t as bad or I wasn’t all there and in survival mode
Its soooo very hard to know when to when to stop doing for others. For six years Ive home schooled my 12 yr old Aspergers son and I have just recently decided to stop. I just couldnt take the stress it was causing the last 2yrs. He's just at that age and it was giving me high blood pressure and swollen feet. It wasnt easy to give up bc i like to complete things . But I need to be a mother I dont need to be his teacher. We visited the middle school and its very small like a k-5 with programs to help him. And he is excited and spending the summer making friends he'll go to school with. Women put to much on our selves and thats why we have higher rates of lupus. We reach a critical point and our bodies beat us back for not loving our sellves more. 40 isnt too far off for me and I've steadily have cut off relationships in every aspect that drain me of joy. I havent spoken to my own father in three years And it has shown who will love and stand by me and who i need an ocean between and who should get burned