I wrote this on a day I was feeling so very depressed and only shared it one time. The response I had was I was just feeling sorry for myself. My answer was "well of course I was!" The point is that at that moment it was good therapy for me. Maybe some of you might be able to relate...
Who is this woman looking back at me in the mirror
I used to be vibrant, energetic, pretty and thin. Not that my life has been easy by any means. My heart was broken to pieces by my first husband who cheated on me and had me think I was nothing. Then I met this great man that showed me how a marriage could be with love and trust but my husband found out he had cancer and we fought if for a year and the cancer took him away. Now I am married to a wonderful man who thought he was getting this vibrant, energetic, pretty and thin woman and he ended up with me and my lupus. The fact that he has stayed with me and we are now going to be married 19 years blows my mind sometimes. He is truly my best friend. It hasn't been easy but we endure all the ups and downs. When I look in the mirror I am unrecognizable. My features, hair and build are so different that people don't know who I am when I walk into a room. I would never go to a class reunion. Seeing family members that I havn't been in touch with always looked shocked when they see me. Inside I am that very same person but I have to say that when I look in the mirror I feel like I am seeing a stranger even though it is me!!! So life is all about not being shallow and to appreciate who you are inside and I get that but what do I do with the girl in the mirror? Sometimes I think if I covered the mirrors I would be more at peace with myself. Do I sound crazy?
NO, YOU ARE NOT CRAZY, you just wrote my life story, i was married to a abusive man for 16 years, when i was diagnosed with fibromyalgia first in the early 2000's my rheumy told us that fibro was psychological so my husband used this against me and told everybody i was crazy and making it up - including my children. He was also having an affair with a girl who was 20 years younger, yes a girl-not a women, he tried to get custody of my children "because i stayed in bed all the time" he did not win!!!!!!! I then met the most wonderful man on the face of this earth, i had an abusive childhood and abusive husband and cant believe i ended up with this wonderful man- i cant believe i didnt repeat that abusive cycle so many women do, and i know why i didnt, because i prayed to god every single day of my life to lift this curse from me and he did !! i was really cute, thin, and very very active until my body just went crazy. I cannot do any of the things i use to love to do, riding horses (my passion) volunteer work with animals, wildlife rehab and relocation, 4 wheelers, skiing, fishing, m y whole life has changed and it makes me so sad. I weighed 100 pounds when this started and i have gained over 50 now and cant get it off, and just keep gaining, i am so sick, i look in the mirror at myself and pics i just took 5 years ago and i have aged so much, i dont look like the same person, my face is rounded and swollen, i have black under my eyes and blotches all over my face. this is the truth i dread seeing anybody i havent seen in a while because of the way they look at me, also i had a friend call and say she saw me and had to take a double take wasnt sure if it was me or not. someone also asked me if i was pregnant, i have ibs and my stomach stays swollen quite often. i have now developed agoraphobia and wont leave my house for these very reasons along with the fact that crowds and loud noises freak me out, i just cant handle it. i am now a prisoner in my own home. i am so embarrased about how i look and i am so sick of getting those looks i just dont leave the house anymore. i know i am a good person inside so i try and remind myself of that each day and go on ! you are not crazy, take a look on the inside. i look at it this way, when we are gone, who is going to think about how we looked, what we wore, where we lived, they are going to think about your personality, how you made them smile, a certain thing you did for them, we are sick and this is what sick people look like-mirror or no mirror, big hugs and best wishes !!
I know exactly how u feel. I feel this same away about myself sometimes. I wrote something very similar to this for my final in a class I was taking about body image and it was also very therapeutic for me. People that don’t deal with this couldn’t possibly know how u feel. I want u to know that its ok to feel the way u feel and its ok to write/talk about it. And also u are not alone.
On the other hand having an illness like lupus has made me a much more compassionate person and I don't see things as black and white anymore. I have learned to listen more than hear myself talk and have learned so much from other people. The bullying that goes on with facebook and just in general in yahoo conversations is shocking to me. When I get down about myself I try to see myself in my great nieces or great nephew eyes. They actually love me for who I am. I remember having an aunt that I dearly loved and she had health problems and was overweight and I remember thinking she was so beautiful and so much fun to be around. Why has society today made us so focused on our looks and not to what we bring to each day for those around us.
Thank you kel for responding to my post.
Take care.
kel said:
NO, YOU ARE NOT CRAZY, you just wrote my life story, i was married to a abusive man for 16 years, when i was diagnosed with fibromyalgia first in the early 2000's my rheumy told us that fibro was psychological so my husband used this against me and told everybody i was crazy and making it up - including my children. He was also having an affair with a girl who was 20 years younger, yes a girl-not a women, he tried to get custody of my children "because i stayed in bed all the time" he did not win!!!!!!! I then met the most wonderful man on the face of this earth, i had an abusive childhood and abusive husband and cant believe i ended up with this wonderful man- i cant believe i didnt repeat that abusive cycle so many women do, and i know why i didnt, because i prayed to god every single day of my life to lift this curse from me and he did !! i was really cute, thin, and very very active until my body just went crazy. I cannot do any of the things i use to love to do, riding horses (my passion) volunteer work with animals, wildlife rehab and relocation, 4 wheelers, skiing, fishing, m y whole life has changed and it makes me so sad. I weighed 100 pounds when this started and i have gained over 50 now and cant get it off, and just keep gaining, i am so sick, i look in the mirror at myself and pics i just took 5 years ago and i have aged so much, i dont look like the same person, my face is rounded and swollen, i have black under my eyes and blotches all over my face. this is the truth i dread seeing anybody i havent seen in a while because of the way they look at me, also i had a friend call and say she saw me and had to take a double take wasnt sure if it was me or not. someone also asked me if i was pregnant, i have ibs and my stomach stays swollen quite often. i have now developed agoraphobia and wont leave my house for these very reasons along with the fact that crowds and loud noises freak me out, i just cant handle it. i am now a prisoner in my own home. i am so embarrased about how i look and i am so sick of getting those looks i just dont leave the house anymore. i know i am a good person inside so i try and remind myself of that each day and go on ! you are not crazy, take a look on the inside. i look at it this way, when we are gone, who is going to think about how we looked, what we wore, where we lived, they are going to think about your personality, how you made them smile, a certain thing you did for them, we are sick and this is what sick people look like-mirror or no mirror, big hugs and best wishes !!
Tee thank you for your kind words. We all have so many things to deal with on a day to day basis that our looks should be the last thing we worry about but I guess we are taught so early on in life that being anything but beautiful and thin is just unacceptable.
The other day I was at lunch and the booth behind us were celebrating a birthday so we all clapped and said "Happy Birthday". When I was getting up to leave I saw this beautiful girl about 16 years old and I stopped to compliment her and tell her how stunning she was. As I reached the door her mother took me aside in tears and thanked me for saying that to her daughter. It was a no brainer for me but others couldn't get past her weight and she was being bullied. Where are all these perfect people hiding when I am out? We all have a story and a heart that can help the next one if we just are not to shallow realize it.
Tee said:
I know exactly how u feel. I feel this same away about myself sometimes. I wrote something very similar to this for my final in a class I was taking about body image and it was also very therapeutic for me. People that don't deal with this couldn't possibly know how u feel. I want u to know that its ok to feel the way u feel and its ok to write/talk about it. And also u are not alone.
Tee you are so right about it being therapeutic. We all have our moments of down time but it is what we can learn from those times that is important. Thanks for letting me know I am not alone. It means the world to me.
Tee said:
I know exactly how u feel. I feel this same away about myself sometimes. I wrote something very similar to this for my final in a class I was taking about body image and it was also very therapeutic for me. People that don't deal with this couldn't possibly know how u feel. I want u to know that its ok to feel the way u feel and its ok to write/talk about it. And also u are not alone.
People used to feel sorry for me at one point in my life because I was so thin. Now, I am terribly overweight,my left side of my face is paralyzed due to Bell's Palsy and I don't look like myself anymore. BUT, I have FINALLY decided to like myself and that is what has made a difference. People like me for who I am. I try to be a good and giving person and in turn I have many friends that I have treasured for many, many years. They accepted me....it was me not accepting me.
I can totally relate! I too was in an abusive marriage for 12 years. More psychological abuse than physical but some physical. He used to say the same thing that I “was lazy” even though I worked 50-60 hours a week, cooked, cleaned and took care of my two boys. I would crash on the weekends because I HAD to make it through the week. I decided my life was worth more and my boys didn’t need to grow up thinking it was ok to treat your wife that way so I left. I prayed for God to send me a man that would love God, live my kids and love me the way I am and He gave me one three months after my divorce was final!!! I am now married to him going on 11 years and he has been nothing but a HUGE blessing to my boys and me. He does everything for us including “wife” duties without a single complaint. He is amazing! My boys adore him too. So it can happen ladies and gentleman. There are still compassionate people out there who can care for us Lupies!
As for my image in the mirror… I too would love to not have to see what I have become. I have gained 82 pounds in two years! I can’t exercise due to severe joint pain and my thyroid wa removed years ago from a tumor so my metabolism has been shot. I look see fil but know my weight is not my fault. I eat well and healthy. I have low triglycerides, low blood sugar even being on steroids, no high blood pressure and no diabetes! I am healthy EXCEPT for the lupus! What drives me crazy is the judgement that society has against overweight people and how wrong it is to judge. Many if us are NOT emotional eaters and have legitimate physiological problems that we can not do anything about due to steroids, medication, inability to process genetically modified foods!!! When will the world wake up? It’s ALL about who we are as a person! I know I am wonderful and caring and compassionate. I still have a lot of confidence but do wish I could exercise because I used to do all sports and loved it. Being mostly bed bound is boring and it drives me crazy! But, I will press in and press on! Lupus will not win!
I know how you feel & can so related to your story!! I became a mom at 17yrs old by a guy that was 4yrs older than me. He did it cause he thought he could trap me, but I wouldn’t marry him!! So he decided he would have nothing to do with our daughter!! Then at 18yrs old I was pregnant again by someone else I thought he a nice man, so we moved in together and had my second daughter wasn’t long after she was born I found out I had lupus & that he was an abusive man. Well I stay w him an then had my 3rd daughter an the abusive got worse. It was every kind of abuse there was and I stay in it for 9yrs & by that time from all the abuse and stress of it all I was weighting 92lbs wearing clothes from little girls department people thought I was on drugs or had a eating disorder. When I finally got out I was nothing couldn’t look in the mirror & didn’t know who I was anymore. Then me & my childhood love got together he was perfect & great!! An I was a mess my lupus was worse than ever & my depression was worse than ever to. The best guy I ever had & he got me like this!! But he loved me anyways & still does!!! So your not crazy!!!
reet it is so good to know you have reached the level of liking yourself. I pray that someday I will be able to come back to you and tell you that is exactly how I feel about myself. Still have some work to do but you are my inspiration. Thank you.
reet said:
People used to feel sorry for me at one point in my life because I was so thin. Now, I am terribly overweight,my left side of my face is paralyzed due to Bell's Palsy and I don't look like myself anymore. BUT, I have FINALLY decided to like myself and that is what has made a difference. People like me for who I am. I try to be a good and giving person and in turn I have many friends that I have treasured for many, many years. They accepted me....it was me not accepting me.
tinapet isn't it amazing that we found out how life was really suppose to be? There was a time when I thought that horrible behavior was the norm. So glad we can both breath easier and have some very good times amongst the bad.
Take care,
tinapet said:
I can totally relate! I too was in an abusive marriage for 12 years. More psychological abuse than physical but some physical. He used to say the same thing that I "was lazy" even though I worked 50-60 hours a week, cooked, cleaned and took care of my two boys. I would crash on the weekends because I HAD to make it through the week. I decided my life was worth more and my boys didn't need to grow up thinking it was ok to treat your wife that way so I left. I prayed for God to send me a man that would love God, live my kids and love me the way I am and He gave me one three months after my divorce was final!!! I am now married to him going on 11 years and he has been nothing but a HUGE blessing to my boys and me. He does everything for us including "wife" duties without a single complaint. He is amazing! My boys adore him too. So it can happen ladies and gentleman. There are still compassionate people out there who can care for us Lupies!
As for my image in the mirror..... I too would love to not have to see what I have become. I have gained 82 pounds in two years! I can't exercise due to severe joint pain and my thyroid wa removed years ago from a tumor so my metabolism has been shot. I look see fil but know my weight is not my fault. I eat well and healthy. I have low triglycerides, low blood sugar even being on steroids, no high blood pressure and no diabetes! I am healthy EXCEPT for the lupus! What drives me crazy is the judgement that society has against overweight people and how wrong it is to judge. Many if us are NOT emotional eaters and have legitimate physiological problems that we can not do anything about due to steroids, medication, inability to process genetically modified foods!!! When will the world wake up? It's ALL about who we are as a person! I know I am wonderful and caring and compassionate. I still have a lot of confidence but do wish I could exercise because I used to do all sports and loved it. Being mostly bed bound is boring and it drives me crazy! But, I will press in and press on! Lupus will not win!
Monica I can't tell you how happy I am that you have found such a wonderful man. Everyone deserves love and respect. With that said we can be warriors with this disease.
Take care,
Monica said:
I know how you feel & can so related to your story!! I became a mom at 17yrs old by a guy that was 4yrs older than me. He did it cause he thought he could trap me, but I wouldn't marry him!! So he decided he would have nothing to do with our daughter!! Then at 18yrs old I was pregnant again by someone else I thought he a nice man, so we moved in together and had my second daughter wasn't long after she was born I found out I had lupus & that he was an abusive man. Well I stay w him an then had my 3rd daughter an the abusive got worse. It was every kind of abuse there was and I stay in it for 9yrs & by that time from all the abuse and stress of it all I was weighting 92lbs wearing clothes from little girls department people thought I was on drugs or had a eating disorder. When I finally got out I was nothing couldn't look in the mirror & didn't know who I was anymore. Then me & my childhood love got together he was perfect & great!! An I was a mess my lupus was worse than ever & my depression was worse than ever to. The best guy I ever had & he got me like this!! But he loved me anyways & still does!!! So your not crazy!!!
Hay aunt pearl, Don’t beat yourself up thinking like that??! Even while Lupus has / trying to take the outer shell , we are still who we once was!! The outside is nothing , think of all the beautiful things that make you be yourself , that is what is important. We can’t let Lupus take over everything , it does not matter what outer appearance is , those that know you will always see you , they do understand that things do change with health problems such as ours, Nothing remains the same…Beverly L.
I truly believe that in my heart we are all the same it is just when I get out in public is when I start to notice people's reaction to me. Lately I have been in a wheelchair so they don't say much when my husband is around but I have had people drop the door in my face, ugly looks and snickering. Even mother's letting their children make comments. My parents would have never let me say anything negative to a human being when we were out but times have changed. I wish everyone could try not to judge...All it takes is a smile to a stranger to make someone or yourself feel better.
Take care,
Beverly L. said:
Hay aunt pearl, Don't beat yourself up thinking like that??! Even while Lupus has / trying to take the outer shell , we are still who we once was!! The outside is nothing , think of all the beautiful things that make you be yourself , that is what is important. We can't let Lupus take over everything , it does not matter what outer appearance is , those that know you will always see you , they do understand that things do change with health problems such as ours, Nothing remains the same...Beverly L.
Hi, sorry it took so long to reply, am going through some small issues with family here lately -I think it is the weather making People lose their state of mind.LoL. You it is okay for people to look and make comments, why I say that is because my great nieces did this for months, until oneday the oldest said, Auntie What is Lupus? Can you image How I felt? Of course I explained everything to her and she started to cry , I comforted her with hugs and kisses . Then she said , “Am so sorry that I said those things and had the other kids laugh at me about you and how you were hurting andn doing things” , "Please forgive me?? " I told her , that she was forgive on the days that it happened, not knowing things will blind anyone, so that’s why we should not judge Noone!! So now all the kids when they come over they are always wanting to help clean , or do something , and I be ready for their visit to come to a end after they have been there for about 45mins…Beverly L./>
auntpearl said:
Thank you so much Beverly,
I truly believe that in my heart we are all the same it is just when I get out in public is when I start to notice people’s reaction to me. Lately I have been in a wheelchair so they don’t say much when my husband is around but I have had people drop the door in my face, ugly looks and snickering. Even mother’s letting their children make comments. My parents would have never let me say anything negative to a human being when we were out but times have changed. I wish everyone could try not to judge…All it takes is a smile to a stranger to make someone or yourself feel better.
Take care,
Beverly L. said:
Hay aunt pearl, Don’t beat yourself up thinking like that??! Even while Lupus has / trying to take the outer shell , we are still who we once was!! The outside is nothing , think of all the beautiful things that make you be yourself , that is what is important. We can’t let Lupus take over everything , it does not matter what outer appearance is , those that know you will always see you , they do understand that things do change with health problems such as ours, Nothing remains the same…Beverly L.