Unsure of next step

General
1

Although this is very personal, I do know that I won't be judged here.

I divorced an abusive husband in 2002. I had just suffered a back injury at work and spent 3 1/2 yrs having surgeries, rehab, etc. I was miserable and now understand that many of my symptoms (especially the fog and seizures) could be contributed to undiagnosed SLE. According to my current doc I have a very "robust" form of the disease whatever that means.

Our divorce dictated that there was shared custody of our son and no support, although my ex made approximately 3x's the amount I did we both felt we could provide when our son was with us.

Fast forward to 2005. I moved to Vegas as the weather was SOOO much better for my health (temporarily anyway) and I was actually able to work for about 14 months. I am and always have been a worker so this was wonderful. I had my son every summer and winter, paying every plane ticket, clothing, EVERYTHING. I even have over $5000 in cancelled checks for loans to my ex. I left my car there for my older son, for which my ex was to pay by the time he could legally drive. He allowed his daughters son to drive it in which it was totaled. So not only did he not pay for it he collected insurance on it. In 07 my son came to live with me. My ex paid a total of $125 for the year. My son has some severe mental and emotional issues with diagnosis of both of bi-polar, ODD and ADHD. This is severe enough that his grandparents don't allow him to visit out of fear. This caused incredible issues at his school finally ending in expulsion and the choice of hospitalization or juvenile detention.

My ex and I agreed that he would move back to KY with his father, although he was on thin ground with the schools there as well, however he would be required to get counseling and treatment if necessary. That lasted appx 2 weeks.

As I was becoming demanding about the counseling my ex decided to sue me for child support. Now at this time he is remarried to an RN, he works for Fort Knox and I am barely working from home because I am in the hospital 3-4 times yr.

So the last time my son visited, what was to last the summer lasted 10 days. At this time he is much bigger than me, I am weak and ill and he is as abusive as my ex. He threatened to physically harm me and my (then fiancé, now husband) got between us and told my son that if he was going to treat me like that he would get out of his house. He spent that night across the street in our neighbors guest house.

The next day I wake up to the police at my door because my ex called them and said that my husband "beat the crap" out of my son. He also called my older son who came over. Both assured my ex that there was not a mark on my son yet my ex called my atty (on retainer) and told them this. 10 day prior to the court date the atty withdrew. Because of this my ex then filed for sole custody because of my "lifestyle" (my son threatened to kill me, so okay) but wants support. I don't work. My lifestyle is unfit yet he and his wife are openly "swingers"...and I know this because my step-daughter told me so the kids are very aware.

Okay, so my doctor is convinced that my Lupus was present yet undiagnosed at the time. This does NOT make me an unfit mother. Because of these actions by both the atty and the ex my son NEVER rec'd the counseling or treatment that he needs. He suffered an injury to his frontal lobe during birth which can be very serious.

Do I file a complaint with the state bar? Do I file with my doctors affidavit that I would have been unable to assist in my defense due to the CNS Lupus? Or do I file here for repayment for the loans made to my ex?

I cannot get help filing for disability from any of the attys that do that as they do it on consignment.

How to maintain a stress-free existence when it seems there are just evil people who find nothing better to do than hurt others.

I want the rest of my life to be as peaceful as possible. I am trying to make up for my bad behavior in the past with some members of my family and making certain that those I am around are positive people.

2

I am sooo sorry for all the troubles you are experiencing. I have a question regarding what it means that the attys do what they do on "consignment". I have applied for disability through an out of state atty and they don't get paid unless i win. If my disability application gets approved then they will receive 25% of my initial check with a cap of $6000. Meaning they can't collect any more than that. I did my homework and all they told me is on the up and up and their rating on BBB is an A+

They are Herd and Smith Law Firm out of San Antonio, TX.

That's my 2 cents. You're in my thoughts and I really hope for the best for you and your son.

3

That's the issue...if they think you owe anyone they won't take your case.

My anger comes from the fact that being ill does not make me an unfit mother. And because of the CNS symptoms it was assumed that what my ex said was truth. I was unable to coherently defend myself. I wonder how many other women have had this experience and what can be done. My atty was aware that I had been extremely ill, ICU 6 times. The ADA is only effective if diagnosed, but how many of us are diagnosed years into the disease? Of the 3-5% of the pop that is diagnosed I am one of the 2% that is ANA neg. That's like a needle in a needle stack.

However, I do still believe that the universe rights it's wrongs. I feel foolish believing that justice was just.

4

You counter his suit with a suit for contempt for any monies he owes you as a result from the divorce. You also counter sue for contempt for anything he was supposed to do but did not. If the loans were for supporting your son then those are included.
You will need a copy of the police report for your new attorney from the last incident. You will also need documentation of your son’s condition and the counseling or treatment he needs.
You will need documentation of your condition and inability to work. You will also need copies of your tax returns.
I do not see a clear bar complaint unless the attorney did not return unpaid retainer monies. You may fire an attorney at any time. Likewise, an attorney may withdraw at any time.
Disability attorneys recover their fees when you do. So long as you have paid into disability five of the last ten years you are technically eligible if you meet the medical requirements.

5

Also, the attorney who takes your disability case actually gets paid before anyone else. The attorney gets the check, takes, their portion, then writes a check to you. From my experience, social security disability cannot be taken for anything except past due child support. Disability cannot be garnished for current support.

6

Wow DeAnn

I'm sorry that you're going through all this. You are in my prayers, I've been in your shoes

Trisha

7

You have received excellent advice so the only thing I can offer is prayers and my best wishes. Reet

8

This all has to be handled by your attorney- way too many legal issues here.

9

Hello!! Huges and prayers go out to you-smile. Take a deep breath and relax don’t over whemm yourself . Yes it sounds like a lot and people around you are draining you, don’t let that happen. If you stay calm they will see that it does not bother you . Prayer go a long way, handle one thing at a time(with what is most important), which is you at the moment. When we go through things like this , people don’t think about noone but themselves. Just stay positive and keep the positive people around you !! Things will work out for,hope that you come out on top…Beverly L.

10

DeAnne,

Gosh, that's a heavy load to be under for you in your condition. Maybe you can get some good free advice or guidance ....not sure if these would help but can't hurt to call.

http://www.nvlawdirectory.org/

http://www.nevadalawhelp.org/NV/index.cfm

http://www.nevadalegalopinion.com/

Ask God for His guidance on this. I will pray for you.

Hugs,

Ally

11

My anger comes from the fact that being ill does not make me an unfit mother. And because of the CNS symptoms it was assumed that what my ex said was truth. I was unable to coherently defend myself. I wonder how many other women have had this experience and what can be done. My atty was aware that I had been extremely ill, ICU 6 times. The ADA is only effective if diagnosed, but how many of us are diagnosed years into the disease? Of the 3-5% of the pop that is diagnosed I am one of the 2% that is ANA neg. That's like a needle in a needle stack.

12

As I said, I wonder how many of us that suffer from these types of diseases have been harmed by a legal and educational system that does not understand what we go through during our "fogs". I held a 4.0 GPA in college until this manifested itself. I didn't know who do go to for help although I should have as my boyfriend at the time was the Director of Special Services at the college.

I guess what I am trying to say is that advocating for ourselves is necessary, however we are so separated we don't always have that local support network.

What I would like to know is if anyone has had an experience that ended wrongly because of the debilitation of your disease...or better yet, what you did to overcome the situation and perhaps share names of advocates, and applicable laws under the ADA to assist all of us in living the most normal life possible and receive the proper accommodations necessary.

Thanks for all of the well wishers. My husband is 100% in my corner as he has been around virtually the entire time and he is scary smart when it comes to things like this. The loss of my son was the heartbreaking part. I hope some day that he will understand but my older son refuses to speak with his younger brother.

Please let us know what you have done to advocate for yourself.

Hugs,

DeAnne

whathappensinvegas said:

My anger comes from the fact that being ill does not make me an unfit mother. And because of the CNS symptoms it was assumed that what my ex said was truth. I was unable to coherently defend myself. I wonder how many other women have had this experience and what can be done. My atty was aware that I had been extremely ill, ICU 6 times. The ADA is only effective if diagnosed, but how many of us are diagnosed years into the disease? Of the 3-5% of the pop that is diagnosed I am one of the 2% that is ANA neg. That's like a needle in a needle stack.

13

I wish I could help but I gave up and quit my job instead of filing long term disability that I had paid into for 10 years. I was subtly told that I had better not try. I was so tired and sick that I slept for 3 weeks with very little awake time. I had no fight left in me and my husband is not the fighter. He helps me tons but I have to fight if needed and I could not do it. So, please fight. We are suffering financially because I let the company get by with what they did to me.

14

I will have you in my prayers.

15

I hate to say this and I hope we don't get in trouble for this but this is my fed gov interference. I know this for a fact but that is all I will say.

jujubeee said:

I don't know if this is exactly what your looking for, but here goes. I was discharged a couple weeks ago from my pain management clinic I've been going to for eight years. I saw a PA instead of my usual doc. He said he was tossing me out for having too little opiates in my system. I asked if he was sure given I take 27 pills a day. He interupted me and said my pain doc wanted me discharged. I went into fog. I looked at the paper in his hand but didn't see the words. I told him I don't take the pills everyday. I wasn't sure what day I last took them., I thought it was two days before. He started asking me things like "Do I want to kill someone", "Am I in some kind of danger at home?" and the like. I thought it was preposterous.

I think he did took advantage of my cns issues and fog. Because I couldn't give him a time, day and hour he assumed I was unfit to have pain medication (In addition to SLE I have a morton's neuroma, peripheral neuropathy (bilateral carpal, tarpal, ulnar), osteoarthritis, cervical spondlytis, trigeminal neuralgia). I can't imagine how I'm going to continue any quality of life.

He polices all the patients and finds reasons to kick em out. He told me my doctor wanted me to sign the dismissal. I was shocked. I signed in a fog but wish I didn't.

I see my real pain doc for a procedure this coming Friday. I hope to explain about my pills and will bring in my leftovers, something this PA didn't let me do and I was in such a state of shock and fog I never said anything about it. My bottles say "Take As Needed"., so I really don't see what I violated. BUT this PA definitely took advantage of my fogginess.

I see my GP tomorrow and I'm sure they already sent a letter to him telling him I'm a drug addict. I've lost sleep, have surgery scheduled for the 27th, just had a major surgery a couple months ago, and am really scared I'm going to be left without any way to handle the pain from surgery.

I think in my case it's a combo..maybe our doctors could give us a little leeway since we have a condition that is known to cause fog without using the laws or rules against us.

Love Julie

16

Julie,

Honey I am so sorry that you are going through this. This is exactly what I am talking about. Because so little is known about Lupus by other types of docs, what can look like opiate or alcohol abuse or inability to physically handle the meds as prescribed.

I would find as much information as I could regarding Lupus and CNS. When I first saw my Rhuemy I was unable to form a coherent sentence and had my doc not recognized the symptoms for what they were, my entire treatment and therefore my life would be radically different.

It's unfortunate that we are constantly having to "prove" we have a "real" disease. I think you may find good info from the Lupus Assoc of America.

I will be thinking and praying for you. Please let us know how it turns out for you. I am anxious for people to understand that they are going to have to be advocates for themselves on an ongoing basis.

Hugs,

DeAnne

17

Thank you so much for the information. I am not trying to get disability through this atty but I need it understood that throughout the process I was not mentally or physically capable of participating in my own defense. And while I certainly have a plan to recoup the monies, the loss of the years with my son cannot be recouped. I just wanted to make everyone aware that should they find themselves in a legal situation, it may be wise to find someone to assist you as you will be experiencing stress which as we all know exacerbates our symptoms.

Again thank you so much!

DeAnne

Steinfadt1 said:

You counter his suit with a suit for contempt for any monies he owes you as a result from the divorce. You also counter sue for contempt for anything he was supposed to do but did not. If the loans were for supporting your son then those are included.
You will need a copy of the police report for your new attorney from the last incident. You will also need documentation of your son's condition and the counseling or treatment he needs.
You will need documentation of your condition and inability to work. You will also need copies of your tax returns.
I do not see a clear bar complaint unless the attorney did not return unpaid retainer monies. You may fire an attorney at any time. Likewise, an attorney may withdraw at any time.
Disability attorneys recover their fees when you do. So long as you have paid into disability five of the last ten years you are technically eligible if you meet the medical requirements.
18

no, being ill does not make you an unfit mother. However, are you fighting to get custody of your son? Is it just being called unfit that is upsetting you? (I think we all see you are loving and concerned about your son and not unfit. He's not a baby- he doesn't need the kind of care that is tough for even a healthy mom).

That's my question- does it actually matter if your ex calls you unfit, even though it's not true? Can you just allow him to be wrong, or will it hurt you financially or otherwise? Might it actually help you by giving you some space from your son while you get your health together?

19

there's a new thing where doctors are being checked to amke sure the patients are really taking the narcotics and not selling them. It's coming from up top (government). I got pee tested and since I had gone on Cymbalta, I had pretty much stopped taking percocet, so there was none in my system. Hope he doesn't get arrested...

jujubeee said:

I don't know if this is exactly what your looking for, but here goes. I was discharged a couple weeks ago from my pain management clinic I've been going to for eight years. I saw a PA instead of my usual doc. He said he was tossing me out for having too little opiates in my system.

20

The financial harm that was done as well as the fact that it was posted in the local paper of the small town where he is living...he sent a copy of the page via email, FB, text, etc. to every member of my family and every person we had ever known together with the phrase "My deadbeat ex-wife".

To say it infuriated my family is an understatement as at that time I had been diagnosed.

However, my son is at great risk for continuing of the disruptive behavior that has been evident since preschool. I was a Spec Ed teacher specializing in students with Emotional/Behavioral Disabilities. The signs were evident early on and I tried to get him the help he desperately needed.

Soon after his return to his father after the year with me, his father went against doctors orders and demanded he be switched to a cheaper med even though I have the doctors notes where he states emphatically that the meds do not work the same and would not control the abusive behavior. He is especially abusive toward women. My mother actually was so frightened by his behavior during his last visit with her that she was pleased that he could not make the next visit. She believes that he is a danger to women and was afraid that he would harm fellow students at school.

Although the financial impact has been difficult, I would have found a way to make certain that my son got help. I am currently in hiding as he has threatened my life.

I am not upset about being "labeled" an unfit mother as I know I am not...it's the repercussions of that label.