Legal Help

General
1

Hello there!

I am hoping to find some kind of help. I have lupus and i have a very controlling husband. He wont leave me and legally i cannot kick him out. The police has said unless he hits me or threatens to kill me they cannot do anything. He is more mental abuse. I have asked for him to leave but something is wrong with him mentally i guess. He wont leave me. He causes alot of my flares. ALL OF THEM. He is very annoying and VERY CONTROLLING. Every word out of his mouth is an investigation question.

Since i know most of you guys will say kick him out and leave him, let me tell you. ITS MY HOUSE, i wont leave my house. He has threaten to call my job so i can loose it, I believe he ruined my truck so i wont have transportation and so i have to relay on him. He has stolen my money and goes thru everything that belongs to me i have called the bank to see if i could put a charge on him but they have indicated since he is my husband and used the pin number they cannot do anything. I no longer have a phone and he has destroyed my laptop. I have nothing.

Is there a legal way to get him out? He wont hit me or he wont threaten my life. Sad to say but i wish he would so i could have something on him But like i said its all mental abuse.

I dont mind going thru lupus alone. I rather be alone then this jail he has created for me. He has never been this way. So far we are going on 6 months that he changed. When he changed and started with his mental abuse my lupus came out more. I just now went to the doctor to get help. I never had the skin issues before until he changed, I had the pains but not the unexplained stuff.

2

DEAREST HEART OF YOURS: I STUDIED LAW AND ONLY HAD ONE YEAR LEFT. I KNOW CALIFORNIA LAW BUT, I CAN TELL YOU WHAT CALIFORNIA LAW SAYS. IF HE MENTALLY ABUSES YOU, STRIKE 1 IT IS ABUSE, JUST AS BAD AS PHYSICAL.

IF YOU DOCTOR WILL SAY YOUR LUPUS IS WORSE SINCE HE HAS CHANGED. THAT IS ALL YOU NEED TO GO TO A HOUSE FOR BATTERED WIVES. GET THE COUNSELING YOU NEED TO KEEP MENTALLY HEALTHY AND THE LEGAL HELP YOU NEED FOR YOU STATE RIGHTS. YOU NEED TO CALL THEM ON THEIR HOT LINE AND EXPLAIN THE SITUATION. BECAUSE I DO NOT KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE OR I CAN NOT WITNESS NOR ANYONE ELSE OF ABUSE (YOU ARE STUCK). THE DOCTOR IS THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN HELP YOU BY SAYING YOUR LUPUS HAS STARTED TO ACT UP BECAUSE OF HIS MENTAL ABUSE ON YOU. MAKING YOU FEEL INSECURE AND YOU CAN NOT DEPEND ON YOURSELF TO GET TO WORK TO MAKE A MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE. SO, REMEMBER. YOU HAVE MANY PHYSICAL ISSUES THAT THE DOCTOR SHOULD BE MAKING DOCUMENTATION OF!! REMEMBER, YOU HAVE A HOUSE FOR BATTERED WIVES, EVERY STATE HAS ONE.

THEY WILL MAKE SURE YOU ARE NOT FOLLOWED YOU SHOULD START TAKING THINGS OF VALUE YOU AND KEEP IT SOMEWHERE AWAY FROM HIM. ESPECIALLY IF HE IS DESTROYING YOUR LAP TOP THAT IS YOUR MENTAL AND PHYSICAL SUPPORT TO US.

WE ALL KNOW AND HAVE HEART AT LEAST OF ABUSE OF HUSBAND BATTERING WIVES. ARE YOU SURE, THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT OR IS WHAT HE WANTS. THEIR MUST BE A REASON WHY HE HAS HAD A SUDDEN CHANGE OF HEART. THINK ABOUT IT BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO DO ANYTHING. TALK TO A BATTERED WIVES SHELTER. REMEMBER, THE LOVE YOU HAD IN THE BEGINING MUST STILL BE HIDDEN DEEP INSIDE OF BOTH OF YOU. BE SURE THIS IS WHAT YOU BOTH WANT. DO NOT MAKE SUDDEN CHANGES THAT LATER YOU WILL REGRET. I DO NOT KNOW YOUR AGE BUT BEING ALONE IS NO JOKE. I HATE IT.

I AM SURE YOUR PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED IF YOU ARE SINCERE. THAT IS YOUR PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD AND IF YOU ARE PRAYING DIRECTLY TO GOD. HE WILL ALWAYS ANSWER. MAYBE NOT IN THE TIMELY FASHION YOU WANT BUT, WHEN GOD FEELS IT IS THE THING TO DO. MAYBE HE HAS SOMETHING HE WANTS BOTH OF YOU TO LEARN. WHAT WOULD IT BE LIKE WITHOUT EACH OTHER. ALSO, WHAT MAKES A BIG DIFFERENCE IS DO YOU HAVE CHILDREN AND IF SO CAN YOU TALK TO THEM, OR YOUR PARENTS ON BOTH SIDES HIS FAMILY AND YOURS.

THINK CAREFULLY AND PRAY

THAT IS MY SINCERE OPINION AND LEGAL ADVICE. THE STATE YOU LIVE IN HAS ALOT TO DO WITH YOUR RIGHTS WHEN HEADING FOR A SEPARATION OR DIVORCE.

I READ, A LONG TIME AGO 2 THING ARE THE MOST STRESSFUL IN THIS WORLD. MOVING AND THE SECOND WAS DIVORCE.

CAN YOU HANDLE WHAT IT WILL BE LIKE TO GET A DIVORCE.

I WILL TRY TO BE ON LINE FOR YOU AS MUCH AS I PHYSICALLY CAN. BUT, PRAY FOR MY HIDDEN STUFF.

LOL IF YOU DO NOT LAUGH YOU WILL CRY. THAT IS WHERE I AM AT NOW!!!

ALL OF YOU BE BELESSED AND PRAY FOR ALL THE THINGS THAT GOD HAS GIVEN OR TAKEN IN YOUR LIFE.

ONLY HE HAS HIS RESONS, THAT SOMETIMES WE NEVER WILL UNDERSTAND.

HAPPY TURKEY DAY.

LOVE MICKEY AKA MICHELE AND RUSH

3

I am certainly no lawyer, and can't give any legal advice. I am assuming there are no children in the home and, if that is the case, I would make a couple of personal suggestions. As Michele mentioned, make very sure you are ready to end your marriage and don't jump into anything you will regret, later. If things were good, until a few months ago, maybe HE needs counselling. Again, as Michele mentioned, have your doctor document the health risks created by his behavior and treatment of you. You, yourself, should also be documenting specific occurences of what you perceive as mental abuse. Be very specific as to what, when, where, how. If you do decide to end your marriage, immediately close any and all joint bank accounts. Go to a DIFFERENT bank (not just another branch of the same bank) and open accounts in only your name. If any of the funds in your current accounts belong to him, be sure to keep those separate and return them to him. Again, document everything. If the house belongs to you, and is in your name only, you have every right to keep it. Here is my suggestion, though. Move out, temporarily. Then serve him with an eviction notice. If things are as bad as you say they are, you should probably file a restraining order. Be sure to stipulate that he is to make no contact with you at work, and is not to contact your employer or place of employment. Make your employer aware of the situation. If he violates any restraining order, including contacting your employer, call the police. Don't be afraid to press charges if you feel truly threatened. All of this IS assuming you have no children still living at home. The situation would be completely different, if there are, because you would have to protect them, first and foremost.

As I said earlier, I'm no lawyer and this isn't legal advice. Just suggestions based on personal experience. I wish you all the luck in the world, whatever your decision.

God bless.

4

I could be wrong but I think if you filed an order of protection he would be forced to leave the house.

5

Thank you so much ladies. The sad thing is that there are kids involved and my kids also see a change in him. I am 100% sure this is what i want because its affecting my babies. Since i have my flares the only thing i have energy to do is cook and clean just a little. I received a letter from there school because they are not returning their homework. Its sad that i had to explain to them that i barely have enough strength after work to feed my kids. I tired so hard to keep my illness from the public because i do not need anyone thinking i am asking for pity. I am changing some things to help ensure my kids finish their homework or do as much as they can before i go home.

As for a protective order that was actually my first option but in the city i live it clearly states in the FAQ:

Can I get a protective order because of mental abuse?
A. No. You must show that family violence — physical abuse (pushing, shoving, slapping, hitting, kicking, choking, or any other act intended to cause physical harm) or the threat of imminent physical abuse (the person is able and likely to follow through) — has occurred and is likely to occur in the future. Mental abuse and emotional abuse are not part of the definition of family violence in the Texas Family Code.

And as for my bank i have never had him under my bank accounts. I have my own. But since we share the same address which he can prove, the bank does not consider him stealing my money because he is my husband.

As for giving him a 30 day notice that might be my only option but i am scared of what can happen those 30 days. I am sure he will call my job or cause some kind of drama for my neighbor who are actually my parents and they suffer with so many medical conditions that i am sure he will affect them too. I have so many options of locations i can go to. My family is always willing to help me. They understand my illness and know the gravity of it. My beautiful sister died so young from lupus and we never had a chance at that moment to really understand her illness. It appear out of nowhere and within months she was gone.

I have so much support outside my house but with him there and him controlling everything i am alone. Once he leaves I wont be alone. My family will be able to help me out in so many ways. But i am 100% positive that my flares will decease in occurrence since he causes most of them. I can handle the normal flares that happen but having them every week is finally getting to me.

And as for his family I have called and asked them to take him away but like his father told me "he is a grown man he can makes he own decisions". I have no support from them. I called his dad and told him that if he dont pick up his son that the last time he will see him will be in a casket because he tried to commit suicide a couple of times. and he said again, "he is a grown man he can makes he own decisions". He has told his family that i am infested with STD's and that's why i am sick. His own mother asked me to prove to them that i have Lupus. Even when i do they will not take him away. His family has a history of mental issues. his brother was a genius in school and something happened that he now taking medicine for schizophrenia and anxiety. I saw the process happen with his brother and its being played out again with my husband. He goes days without sleep.

And as for a friend i would love one to talk to! I only have certain times i can talk to anyone since i have no laptop and if i use his he will track everything and think i might be cheating on him or conspiring to get rid of him and that will cause another flare to start.

thank you ladies so much for showing me that there is still love and kindness in this world!

6

It sounds like your husband may have mental issues possibly exacerbated by your illness. Lupus can be made worse by stress & it sounds like you are under way too much. Have your Rheumatologist document the increase in your flares & correlate them with your husbands mental abuse. Your children are being affected by this & your main concern as a mother should be their protection. See a lawyer. if you can't afford one there are legal clinics that will work with you. You need to free yourself & your children from this situation. Close your credit cards if their joint & change your banking. Take all your valuables to a safe place. Have a plan to leave with your children to a safe place if you have to. Life is too short to live under this mental strain. Good Luck to u

7

I have 15+ years of banking and it is illegal for the banks to give him money if he is not a signer on the account. It's also illegal for him to be using your debit card. It is fraud and technically stealing. Financially, I would definitely close those accounts and debit cards, with your money and reopen at another bank, with you being the only signer/owner of them. Open a postoffice box at your local USPS. and have the banks send the statements there. They will want a physical address but you must state that nothing is to be sent to it.

My husband also comes from a history of mental illness and I have gone through very similar situation of mental and emotional abuse . I believe it was the trigger for the downward spiral of my health that led to Lupus. We went through counseling and he was put on medicine. (Buspar) 12 yrs. ago. I wish I had had enough self-esteem to follow through with leaving him when I could but I didn't. My son and I suffer from PTSD from years of the abuse so put your children first and know from my experience that your doing the right thing. Year after year I was the ever hopeful naive wife thinking he would change. But 20 years later the only change is he is not full of rage and temper but is still abusive. Please build yourself a community of support with family and friends and find a faith based community that can support you spiritually. My concern is that your parents live very close. Look into protection orders for them and you.

8

sorry just read you have a good support system....invite them over to your home for visits, play dates with other kids and tea for the moms. So, your not alone behind those doors until you make the decision when to go through with your intentions.

9

I wish i could invite them but he comes up with the most amazing stories on how i am working against him. And as for leaving there are times i cant even get up or if i can "there is something wrong with my truck". He knows how to take things out to make it not work. i want him to leave me but he wont. I packed all his things but he physically wont leave my house.

10

HELLO DEAR HEART: THIS IS MICHELE AKA MICKEY. I HAVE CHECKED INTO A HOME FOR BATTERED WIVES. IT IS MENTAL ABUSE THAT CAN CAUSE YOU PHYSICAL FLARE UPS. SO IT IS PHYSICAL ABUSE. I STILL DO NOT KNOW ENOUGH ABOUT TEXAS LAW. PLEASE TAKE WHAT I AM GOING TO TELL YOU TO YOUR HEART. IF YOU FEEL THAT YOUR CHILDREN ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS SMALL BATTLE. GET THEM OUT SO YOU CAN WIN THE WAR. WINING THE WAR IS GOING TO THE SHELTER FOR BATTERED WIVES WITH YOUR CHILDREN. THEIR THEY WILL HELP WITH THE RESPONSIBILITY OF THE CHILDREN AND HELP YOU GET ENOUGH OF REST AND STRONG ENOUGH TO KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO DO. THE LONGER YOU STAY IN THAT SITUATION THE HARDER IT WILL BE TO LEAVE. WHY? BECAUSE THE CHILDREN ARE IN THE MIDDLE. DO SOMETHING AND DO NOT WAIT TO LONG, IF YOU ARE FEELING PHYSICAL EFFECTS NOW; CAN YOU IMAGE LATER. PRAY ABOUT IT.

IF NOT FOR YOU FOR THE KIDS. I SURE HOPE YOU ARE LISTENING TO WHAT I AM SUGGESTING. GET THE DOCUMENTATION THAT IT IS MENTALLY GOING INTO PHYSICAL FLARES. THAT IS ABUSE. GET OUT OF THEIR AND THEM THROW HIM OUT!!

I WISH YOU WERE CLOSER, OR I WOULD HAVE YOU STAY HERE. I AM SO SORRY, THAT THIS IS HAPPENING TO YOU. WE ARE SO SOFT WHEN IT COMES TO BATTLES. REMEMBER THIS IS A BATTLE NOW BUT YOU CAN WIN THE WAR FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN.

TAKE CARE, PRAY FOR US I STILL CAN NOT FIND WHERE I HID MY JEWLERY. GOD BLESS AND KEEP YOU ALL WELL.

LOVE MICHELE AND RUSH

11

File for a victim protective order. Be very specific about the abuse on the forms. At the hearing, the Judge has the ability to order him to leave the home. (At least that is how it is here in Oklahoma where I practice family law).

12

You said he had changed in the last little while is there any chance to get him to go to the doctor to see if there could be something going on? One of the nurses I worked with wife had a mental change and after a year she finally went to the doctor and it was do to a tumor. Can you go see a lawyer and get temporary custody of the children and have him out of the house till the divorce is heard in court?

13

Call your local Women's Shelter/ Crisis line NOW!!

Do not do anything but CALL THEM FIRST!! Your very well being could depend on it.

You usually can find their number in front pages of the phone books but your police should have the number and i am surprised they did not at least give you a card with their number on it.

They will help you with legal information as well as get you in Safe House, supply you with counseling and classes to help you learn about your rights and legally what can be done as well as the emotional side of mental abuse and how to help yourself.

I also caught like others how you said since he changed.....could it be he might have something physically wrong with him such as brain tumor? You might ask his family or good friend to help encourage him to go get a physical and tell the doctor how he has changed specifically. It be very sad if you left and found this out.

SO please CALL WOMEN'S CENTER/ Crisis HOTLINE....might be under Rape Crisis even. The other Crisis centers in your area such as Suicide might have their number if you cannot locate it. So call one of them or the local police/sheriff even your state troupers (highway officers) should have it.

DO NOT make any bank changes nothing, restraining orders nothing...like this as it could escalate the situation and turn into something violent. Please call women's center and tell them it is emergency and what you wrote here. That you need help. Tell them how you are worried about if you leave your home that you will not get it back....since some states have some very strange laws about if one spouse leaves first etc.

BUT first get yourself safe!! and they will help you do this!! They will help you with anything you need!

I worked at local crisis center for women here in Calif and we helped women exactly like what you are explaining. The one thing i am stressing is just do not do anything that might make things worse until you speak with them and make a plan so you can be safe. Priority is your safety and any children if you have any.

I wish you the best...and am so sorry that you must endear such a stressful situation. It is traumatic and i am so sorry that the police did not help you more. There is help and there is HOPE!! Call the women's center now!

14

Please call a crisis hotline, they can help you make a plan to get him out that will keep you safe in the meantime. I would get one of those cheap pay as you go phones and hide it from him. Open an account that he does not know about, maybe a friend can be on it with you so he can’t access it? I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. Please keep us posted so we know you’re ok.

15

First of all I would recommend you start documenting everything. Start out by writing down when you noticed this type of behavior & things that he has said & done to you & kids. Anything & Everything that you can remember that has lead up to point you decided to document it. You will have to keep journal hidden & not let him know that you are doing it. You will need to write day, date & approximate time(s) of incidents. Anything suspicious - such as what happened to your truck & how much more controlling he has become & how it affects your health & kids health/behavior at home & school (grades slipping/issues at school/etc,). I am not an attorney nor am I giving legal advice - just suggestions based off my past experience with ex husband. Documentation is important especially with specific dates & times.

I do not know what state you live in but in Kansas we have domestic violence offices (DVAC). My neighbor & good friend was DVAC coordinator for our area/district. Or if you contact social services or a church they may be able to direct you somewhere similar. DVAC helps victims & their children navigate out of the abusive situation & mental abuse IS abuse. I know that they can direct you to an attorney or Legal Aid (low cost or no cost legal help depending on financial situation). DVAC also helps you come up with an "escape" plan or plan to have abuser removed. DVAC works along with law enforcement & court system as an advocate for you. My understanding from my friend & from some of the women she helped DVAC can help notify law enforcement & get you a secret emergency cell phone. etc.... Basically help you get prepared for when things go down. Even if it means locating you & your children to an emergency shelter. I read that it is your home & I would think they would have a protocol for your situation. Hopefully there is a DVAC type of agency that can help you. I think Catholic Charities or YMCA /YWCA or an SRS service may be able to point you in right direction. Realize it will be hard to try & contact one of these organizations while he is keeping you "hostage" in your own home but if you do have a DVAC type agency they will know how to keep things discreet.

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this - You sound like a very intelligent, strong woman & I hope you can find & get the help you need to get him out of your life. Please - take care best you can. Will send up prayers for you.

16

Hi!,what do you mean investing question? Asking about the Lupus?
Oh! My is it worth your Peace to really stay in the house-even through it is yours !! Sometimes we have to let things go, throw in the towel, and move on! God has something way Better!..Beverly L.

17

DEAREST LUPUS FRIEND: YOU CAN GET INTO A SHELTER FOR MENTAL OF PHYSICAL BATTERY. THEY WILL GET A PARALEGAL OR A VOULNTEER LEGALEE TO REPRESENT YOU FOR A RESTRAINING ORDERS. HE WILL HAVE TO BE FORCED TO LEAVE THE HOUSE AND YOU NEED TO SEPERATE THE MONEY SITUATION.

CALL LEGAL AID OR A HOUSE FOR BATTERED WIVES. THEY WILL HELP YOU THRU THE PROCESS. I USE TO DO THIS TYPE OF WORK WHILE ATTENDING LAW SCHOOL. PLEASE TRY TO HELP YOURSELF TO GET RID OF HIM BY USING THE PHONE OR HAVE A FAMILY MEMBER COME OVER WHEN HE IS NOT HOME AND EXPLAIN THE SITUATION. SOMEONE MUST BE ABLE TO HELP YOU BUT, YOU HAVE TO HELP YOURSELF FIRST.

THINGS WILL CHANGE WHEN YOU CONTACT HELP!!!!!!! I KNOW, I HAVE EXPERIENCE IN HELPING WOMEN AND CHILDREN IN BAD SITUATIONS. PLEASE CONTACT SOMEONE IN YOUR AREA THAT KNOWS A PLACE FOR BATTERED WOMEN AND THAN THEY CAN DO A RETRAINING ORDER TO GET HIM OUT WITH SHERIFFS ASSISTANCE!! HE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO COME WITHIN 500FEET OF YOU HARASS, PHONE, OR SEXUAL ABUSE. PLEASE DO THIS FOR YOURSELF. ASK JOHN WHO IS IN CHARGE OF THIS SUPPORT GROUP IF YOU CAN CONTACT ME FOR FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS. I THINK YOU NEED AN EXTRA PUSH BECAUSE YOU NEED TO TELL THE SHERIFF YOU ARE IN FEAR OF YOUR SAFETY AND THE SAFETY OF OTHERS THAT MAY WANT TO VISIT YOU.

I CAN JUST TELL YOU CALIFORNIA LAW. I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE YOU LIVE. PLUS, THIS IS MY EXPERIENCE WITH THOSE SITUATIONS. PLEASE DO SOMETHING!!!!! THE LONGER YOU ARE THEIR THE HARDER IT WILL BE TO GET AWAY FROM HIM. HE IS A CONTROLLING PERSON.

HELP YOURSELF!! THE REST SHOULD FOLLOW. DO NOT GIVE UP SO EASY!!!!! THEIR ARE MANY PLACES AND DISPATCH THE POLICE WHEN YOU EXPECT HIM HOME AND YOU ARE IN FEAR OF YOUR SAFETY PHYSICAL AND MENTALLY.

THEY WILL ASK HIM TO LEAVE OR FOR YOU TO GO TO A SHELTER.

ALWAYS MICKEY AND SERVICE DOG RUSH

18

The Friday after Thanksgiving he became physical. He was only able to hurt me twice and I quickly called the police. Sad thing is that in the great state of TX since i quickly reacted to his violence and was able to avoid any bruises the police could not arrest him. They indicated that they could not kick him out and might not even write him a ticket. The bright side of things is that he is finally out the house. I have to start all over since he took me for everything i have and according to the Police he has the right to take anything he wants. I can finally get to being the REAL ME! Since he has been gone i have not had a flare at all!!!!!! I finally got my boys back too, although i have to buy them all new clothes, When i say he took me for everything i mean EVERYTHING!

Since my boys have no TV's we are spending so much time talking and doing all kinds of creative things. We sit and have long dinners now. Our weekends are full of activities away from home! I am slowly picking up the pieces. But i am ready to do anything i have to so my boys can be happy!