I am angry about this illness and the upheavals it has caused in my life. No one seems to understand. I feel so despondent. Does anyone have any advice on how I can accept this and stop being angry? My marriage had been on the rocks for a while, but now I have changed from a spouse to a patient. That’s going from bad to worse. This disease has recently caused me not to be able to go down the career path that I worked so hard for, and I feel unworthy, alone, unloved and unloveable. We have been to counseling 3 times in our 15 year marriage, and I’m not going again. He’s very helpful around the house and supportive out of obligation, just not affectionate. If I could stop being so angry about not getting the affection I need, not being able to work or resume school right now, and having this disease (which compounds everything) I know it would help me greatly. Advice on the anger thing?
Anger is often caused by underlying depression- have you sought treatment for yourself? Not counseling for you and your husband as a couple but some therapy for your own benefit. If you can somehow work through some of your issues it would then help in your relationships with others. Lupus takes a toll not only physically but mentally too and the psyche needs treatment as well as the body.
Hi Athena : earlier today i found this support group and believe it or not your comments made me decide to join. I was diagnosed almost two years ago, after many years where everybody ( including me) thought i was a hypochondriac.
Your description of what is going on in your life is exactly what is going on in my life. I also suffer from Sjongren syndrome. I went from a sexy wife full of life to an achy complainer, and my husband has change too. He has helped a lot but at the same time he is more detached. Some days I feel I am going to loose him. I also feel angry and tired when people around me don't understand me. I hate it when I feel tired but they think I am depressed. Sometimes i wish this thing that took my life would be more visible.
I went to a clinic where I learned some coping skills. It took me a while to put them in practice. I had to take time for me, put myself first in line. It was not easy. Accepting what i have was the first part and the hard one too. The anger was making me get worse. i could't stand being with people and social events drove me crazy.
I know having to quit on your carrier must be very hard but if you don't want to be stuck with having anger as your companion all the time you have to find something else to do to make you feel alive and normal again. "ANYTHING" ... it doesn't has to be a career or an important job... just something that you like to do. Is fundamental that you have something to keep your mind off of your reality. Make a list of things you enjoyed doing but you never did for luck of time.
Make a change either on you or in the house, you are not the same person you used to be so, make peace with it and reinvent yourself. I went from long curly hair to kind of short and straight, and every time i look at myself in the mirror i am reminded of the change i need to make.
A few months ago i started an anti-inflammatory diet that at first made the most grouchy person to be around since it eliminates from your life all the good staff, but it helps so much. it is one of the hardest things i had to do. i never had to diet in my life so for me it was very hard. Now this diet is my best friend.. the symptoms are not gone completely but it has helped so much.
I also learned to do some meditation, at first it felt weird and almost stupid but it really works. And last but not least " exercise". is hard at first because we are so tired all the time so we get very weak over time but start with half and hour walk every day. It will work magic.
So far i am feeling better, at least a little bit more in control. I hope this helps you.. i wish you the best.
Athena
Thanks for posting this discussion, and the great replies you've gotten so far. Writing things down and expressing your feelings is a great idea. I keep a journal and this helps me. I'm still newly diagnosed myself, and going through a job change. I've filed for disability, and I'm considering working part time and looking for a position where I can get off my feet. I have fear that I can't do it any more. But I have faith in God and He'll see me through this. Trisha
Athena, when you say you feel despondent, it also makes me think there may be some depression creeping up on you. I also wonder if your anger is part of what's causing your husband to back off.
I get angry too. I've lived with Lupus for the last 4 1/2 years and now I also have fibro. I don't like that there are limitations placed on me. 2 years ago, I had such a bad Lupus flare I thought I was seriously going to die. Today, I am feeling pretty good. With some med changes and the help of my excellent doctor, I am better than I've been since this all started. Don't lose hope. How you feel today may not be how you feel forever. The one suggestion that I can give, which I think is the most important thing you can do for yourself, is find a good physician. If you have one now, great. If not, start looking for a Rheum or Internist who will listen to you and do everything they possibly can to help you.
When anger sneaks in, I try to use it constructively. I use it to help me push through a bad day. I use it to help me accomplish something I thought I couldn't. I use it to get out of bed everyday and keep fighting this disease (and I'm determined to win!).
It's very possible that your career plans haven't been changed, but may be postponed. I'm thinking about going back to school - something I didn't think I'd ever be able to do again.
I can tell you from experience that a good antidepressant can make a huge difference. Please talk to your doc about how you're feeling. Depression (even mild) can cause problems in every aspect of your life and make the physical stuff (pain, fatigue) even worse.
Sharon
From the bottom of my heart, thank you all for your suggestions and kind feedback. I am on antidepressants, but we (my doc and I) may need to make an adjustment there. Also, I had been going to counseling, but I only felt more “righteously indignant” when I left. This wasn’t healthy either. I realize that I need to resume seeing a (different) counselor. I have been through so many changes, physically, mentally, emotionally, these past few years that I know have been difficult for my husband to deal with. He is only human after all. Sometimes when things get really tough “for better or for worse” is the only thing that you can cling to.
It is true that the way I felt when I wrote the original post isn’t how I feel every day. That was an especially bad day. With God’s help I am working on not letting circumstances steal my joy. I believe that God is carrying me through this journey, and I need to turn this anger over to Him. Every day I need to lay it at His feet and move on without the burden of it weighing me down.
Again, thank you all so much for your generous and compassionate feedback. Hugs to all of you!!
I have been newly diagnosed and I can relate to aner at the illness and my body for letting me down. I am not sure if I can continue to work full time and that makes me angry and afraid