This is a complicated story, but I'll try the best I can to explain things. A friend of mine texted me saying her dad was in hospice and it was just a matter of days. I asked her if it would be okay for me to come by and see her dad one last time and see if they needed anything. She said it was fine and they were on the 3rd floor. I didn't think to ask which hospital, but I went to where her dad was always being seen and treated for the leukemia (I'll call is Hospital A). I told her I was parking and she texted back that it was the 3rd floor. Made sense, 3rd floor of Hospital A is the oncology ICU. By the time I got my bracelet from security, she texted me that he was passing. So I told her I was in the waiting room and would just wait for them so they could stay with him. Well, around 8:15 she called me and said she was going out for a smoke, but didn't see me. I told her I was in the waiting room by the men's bathroom and vending machines. Turns out, they were at a totally different hospital. I never thought to ask her if he was elsewhere. I mean, usually you ask where someone's at, but I completely forgot. So, in order for me to go from Hospital A to Hospital B, it would have taken an hour or more so I told her I wouldn't get there until late and that I'd check on everyone in a few days.
I'm so mad at myself! If I had just asked which hospital (since there are a billion here in MD), I would have been able to have closure with her dad because I would have gotten there before he passed and I would have been there to support his daughters. It takes longer to get to Hospital A than it does to get to B so had I asked about which hospital, I would have made it with time to spare. I feel dumb.
I understand how you feel as i had many of my friend's parents fill in places where my parents were not such great parents. Some died before i had chance to say thanks. My counselor suggested I write a letter.
Depending on your relationship and when you found out you can just write it in your journal all the things you would have said or you can say it at the funeral. I often have sent a letter later about 6 months after the passing since about that time, people expect one to just move on and often if it was someone very special in their life, well, they still greatly miss them and are grieving.
So it is not too late, where ever you believe a person goes after they die, i hope you believe that at some level they will still feel that love you are sending them and their family.
I do not think that was fog...it was something easily misunderstood. It is very emotional time for all and try to be gentle on yourself....just the fact you tried he will know at some level is what i believe...try writing a letter and let it out all the love you wanted to show him. It has helped me and families involved.
Oh when i say you might wait and send it 6 months after his passing to his spouse or family...i still always sent a card. I just waited till i could write exactly all i wanted to say since it is hard when you are really sad or not feeling well.
First thing I thought was it is a common mistake that anyone could make. Your friend didn't mention that her Dad was in a different hospital because she was in her own fog because of the pressure she was under. Assumptions are made by everyone, not just by people with auto immune diseases. So, I too think you need to stop beating yourself up. Maybe your friend is upset with herself that she didn't think to mention that her dad was in a different hospital? You made the effort and that is what counts....you being a very good friend. A lot of people don't have someone like you in their life and I am sure the friends in your life feel lucky to have you in their lives.
Thanks everyone. I was so frustrated with myself last night, but at least they know I tried to get there and I'll be going to the viewing and what not once all the arrangements have been made.
I love the idea of sending a letter after a few months and would have never thought about doing that. A letter of love, support, and memories to help them remember their dad and pass his memory along.
We have all been there done that and in “the heat of the moment” nobody thinks straight!! In the end they know you were trying and appreciate the effort…he knows it too!! So sorry to hear about your loss though.
You are right Md is just a maze of hospitals!!!