Dad is doing well my sister is breathing on her own. I'm haning in there some pain more problems my med's and stomach. This wenesday Ian will be layed to rest. I don't think I can loss anymore of my friends.
This pain is present every day
Unyielding, oppressive, still there.
Why doesn’t it take a day off,
Who said, “Life is always fair?”
Inhabited by the unwanted
I feel victimized, possessed.
I ask myself all those questions,
“What did I do? Was I too stressed?”
How much is psychological?
How much is left to chance?
Will it get worse or better?
Should I take a reflective glance?
Depression displaced by anger
I felt helpless, betrayed by fate.
Blaming myself, my parents, my genes
I faced my own Watergate.
I began to count my losses,
Labored through my grief,
My life, my body, my ego
All vandalized by this thief.
What can I expect to change?
What is always to be?
It seems all I valued before
Is now questioned, constantly.
Daily pain has rocked my world
As war, earthquake and flood,
As my own Richter scale responds
By changes deep within my blood.
I felt alienated from other
Those so vital, healthy and tanned
While I was despondent, alone
An alien in my own homeland.
For awhile I wallowed and floundered
Kicked by the foot of fate,
Then one day I passed a mirror and said,
“This is your life. It’s getting late!”
Suddenly that’s when it hit me.
I’d had enough of that pit.
My life was leading me around
Instead of me living it.
I began to look for solutions
If this pain is always to be.
I had to find some hope in my life,
Imprisoned, I longed to be free.
I took a personal inventory
Of all that I have left,
Gradually I stopped asking, “Why?”
And began feeling less bereft.
Instinctively I reached out to joy
Laughter felt so delicious inside.
As it rippled through my body,
Bringing its healing tide.
I’ve learned to love each day
Even the dark side and strife
For hidden within the heartache
Is a seed of renewal, called life.