This Time

I am not the most linear quill in the quiver; in fact I was just bemoaning the fact that I learn my lessons in such a round-a-bout way that once I get a fraction of the lesson down my Way is already on its Very Circumferential Path that I have to wait light years to get back around to the next mirco step. I see it this way:My father, who is sometimes called: Omnipotent has given me the deed to an old castle, along with instructions for tearing down the ruined parts and for building it back up the way He has planned (in his great love for me.)

He talks with me at great length about every aspect of its construction, and I am happier and happier each time a new brick snuggles up to its mortar, and every time the sun pours light into a window I gasp with delight. All this is wonderful, right?

Now look at as I see it when I am not being aided by Omnipotent's view:

I am still as blown away as before by the beauty of what is and what was and what will come, but I feel like I have to build the castle out of Leggos, pixie stixs, and tinker toys; the castle still has to be full scale, but my materials are so limited in size that it will take forever to build this thing according to plans; and that is not the worst part. The thing that really kills me is that it seems to take for ever just to put one thing in place at a time. and TIME just won't stand still. it seems like I am stuck on a merry-go-round- of cosmic proportions and I am limited to my little wedge of the Go-around. Here I am with my box of supplies, turning, turning...a block goes...right....there: pop! its in place. Awesome. Then maybe, if I am astute I can just manage to put a pixie stick here or there before I have to adjust for working with whatever is now...and now...and now within reach.

And of course I have to have time to think.

And I think that Prayer is the only thing (if it can be called a thing) that seems to take away the limitations of such enormous amounts of of time and space.

If I could just remember this one thing, the prayer thing, I really think...

hold on, the Go-'round is turning and I can't quite see what I was....trying

to get at. And now I am sleepy. And kind of hungry. Yawn...(spinning round round slowly slowly round round...) yawn

tomorrow I am going to...

so, it took all those words to get to this:

It is a fairly slow process (in my bodymindsoul) to change.

I have been wanting the same thing since 4th grade. Korn (unplugged says it well)


When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so f^(&!#$@ special
But I 'm a creep
I 'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I'm not around
You're so f^(&!#$@ special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

She's running out again
She's running out
She run, run, run run

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so f^(&!#$@ special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here.
its what we all want, right? to be in control, to have a "perfect body and perfect soul"...even if the way we define perfect is so very different from one another and from ourselves over a period of time.
But that is the thing that causes our misery and it is the thing that isolates us, I think. Because "New and improved" is a tactic of the Liar....which is the very thing that has been bugging me so much: this idea of New and Improved. I will write about that separately bc thrashing it out and squeezing all the gunk away till I can get to a point of being about to hold all this Thing in my head and heard together; the stuff that i am left with after all that is the mortar that the bricks in this blog need to snuggle up to.