Sinking into depression

General
1

So i haven't been on in a while because of changing from home into college

and i moved north into a colder climate. We all know that weather affects each of us in some way and my worst is when its cold.

my stress finally got to me this weekend....

i feel so useless. I struggle to even make my day last longer than 3 hours before im running low on energy

noone understands the stress of not having your meds (my mom has yet to mail them to me) dealing with college and grades (though much easier than high school) and money problems where i barely have money to keep food in the dorm.

i'm stress i have alot going on and hit my breaking point over the weekend

i hurt myself realized what i did was wrong and told my roommates because i thought it wouldve been the right thing to do. Now their going off telling everyone and making it worse and it's just stressing me out more!

I know i made a mistake and I know there are prolly better ways i couldve handled it. I wasn't suicidal by any means but i felt that causing pain physically would ease the stress mentally. Talking and crying and all that only help so much. I can't work out because it will make me pass out.. I was trying to find a way to make myself feel better that wouldn't essentially end up killing me...

I admitted what i did was wrong. I know i shouldn't have done it. I'm not intending to do it again so why can't it just be let go. Their just adding more stress on top of it all and making it worse!

And i feel it's all because of stupid LUPUS!

I'm 18 and my health is worse than my grandmothers who's pushing 90. Do you know how bad that hurts? noone understands i want to give up sometimes and i keep trying to push forward and go somewhere with my life.

I'm sorry i made a mistake. I was wrong. It's not like i was trying to kill myself. We all know with the amount of meds we end up with it's not something hard to do. But i'm not that far. I'm not at a point of giving up life. just trying to push forward and try. (kinda end up being a little vegetable who hides at home and doesn't do anything.)

Has anyone ever been to this point or able to relate?

Can anyone give me some advice? I have noone to turn to. Family won't understand. Friends cant imagine what it's like. Therapists are like talking to walls. I wish there was someone who was near to me that had the same problems and understood who can truly say ive been there i know how it feels. To have someone who can turn to me and say i know where you are and when i was there i wish i wouldve had someone to say this to me.

There are many who try to say turn to god and pray and not to be disrespectful but A) i'm not religious and B) i feel like it does even less than talking to a therapist because at least with a therapist there's a verbal response.

I just can't keep going on like this. It's to much. I don't wanna be me anymore. I wish i was normal. I wish things were better. I wish there was a cure and i wish there were better ways to manage it!

sorry for the rant

and sorry for worrying those who know me on here

i needed a place to vent. Where comments could be said and people know what it's like to be at an all time low.

Thanks for the ear to talk to.

and I promise i'm better now to where i won't be hurting myself anymore. the stresses that pushed me over my limit are taken care of but the stress of lupus still has me rather stressed. but i promise i'm ok.

Mary

2

Hi Mary. It sounds to me that you have people who care about you. That’s why they won’t let it go. I didn’t have lupus st 18 but I did have severe panic attacks and depression. Felt very isolated and friends def didn’t understand. I suffered for many years and eventually did become a therapist. Not the kind that feels like ur talking to a wall. Sometimes a good therapist is harder to find than a good boyfriend. Keep looking till you find a click with one. Have you looked for a support group that you can meet other people in person. I ran panic group for years and their is something to be said for healing power of being with people that understand what ur going through. Many people cut burn or otherwise hurt themselves to express an emotional pain. Ur right they are not trying to kill themselves but it is a HuGE sign to get support. Remember our pain pathways and depression pathways are one on the same. If I may ask what meds are you on? Please feel free to respond. I’m sure everyone on this forum can relate.

3

yeahh but when the keep pushing the issue it doesn't help

i took fault, admitted i know what i did was wrong and apologized for worrying those who care. i know there is a problem but to me i felt i handled it better than most because i didn't try to kill myself and to me everyday i wake up and try is a day not wasted. the worst part it is that it felt so unusual to feel pain that could be explained. I'm used to feeling pain but not seeing the reason and to feel and see something actually there hurt me was a very weird feeling. Therapist and drs are very hard to find especially when living in one state attending 10 months of the year in a different state for school and constantly changing drs and insurances. I feel like i'm going to have to start over again with drs thinkiing im nuts. I talked to my mom earlier, she doesn't get how much im struggling with my heart rate and blood pressure. and i get electric shocks through my brain which im beginning to wonder if it's a neurological problem or possibly a form of seizure.

sometimes i feel talking only does so much. yeah i can talk about the problem but it doesn't make it go away. to me talking feels like drinking. it might make me feel better for a few mins but it doesn't solve it. now when its a case of conflict and there's something to confront that can be changed then yes talking may help but lupus can't be confronted. I cant walk up to it and say hey you go away you make me feel like crud i don't like you and i want you to leave me alone. It's said but the problem is still there.

I feel so different than everyone because i'm so young and sometimes its hard to always talk to people who are 10,20, even over 30 years older than me. alot weren't struggling with this at 18. they know the feelings but some of the other obstacles, like class, school, first job, or friends wanting to hang out or stay up all night, it's harder to explain why i can't. It feels like noone gets that I look 14, i have the mind set in my 20s but my physical health is that greater than 60.

I thought when i told my "friends" what i did they would understand how much stress i was under. now it feels their just bringing more. I got rid of one stress to bring my levels back down and their just throwing more ontop of the pile so it keeps going up. they make me not want to come home until it's an ok time to stay in my room.

and to top everything off right now my body is refusing to let me eat. everything i try to i feel sick from or i go to take a bite and i loose my appetite. ive eaten less than a baby in the last almost 48 hours. I had a few bites of some rice,hamburger veggie thing my bf made and that's it. that really tops everything off is struggling to eat. usually when i get this way i'll lose 5-10 lbs before my appetite comes back. and i have no control over it. it's not like im choosing not to eat. it's just i don't feel hungry or i have no appetite.

as for the meds i'm on i take: cymbalta 60mg x2 daily, naproxen 500 mg x2 daily, and something for my BP and heart rate that idk the name of. i'm out of both cymbalta and naproxen. have been for at least a week.

i know the people on here can relate but sometimes i feel like the people on here are a figment of my imagination. that i'm really talking to a future form of myself. and sometimes its hard to tell what ailes me the most to people i don't really even know

thanks lambchop

4

You abruptly had to stop the cymbalta?? Omg no wonder you feel so horrific. I’m on cymbalta for pain and many of my clients are on it for depression. You can’t just stop it. My clients without lupus will say they feel like they got hit by a train if they miss one dose. both physically and mentally. 60 mg 2x daily is a high dose. On top of that no naproxen?? Can u get ur doc to call in a script ASAP? I’m so sorry yr going through this. Ur right it can be hard to relate to people who are older but sounds like you need to find someone you can not just talk about the lupus to but give you some strategies to actually deal with it.

5

im only without it because mom doesn't have the money to mail it to me. my insurance is in indiana until dec and i live in michigan for college and cant switch everything over until then.

so im sol until mom can come up with the money to send it to me.

and yes their on the same cycle so when ones gone the other is too. i would be really screwed if i went more than 2 days without my heart meds.

yeahh noones getting i'm on it for pain but it still screws with me and makes it easy to end up in bad places.

i'm lucky i have my other meds to keep pain off but doesn't solve the electric shocks n dizzyness

6

I hope that this bad time eases up. I’m new to this sight and hope that some others can help you with the eating issue. Are you able to drink something? Please hang in there.

7

i do drink things. usually it's stuff high in sugar to keep me moving somewhat but i try.

i hope one day lupus gets easier to deal with.................

i'm trying to i'm so lucky to at least have found a boyfriend who even with everything going on, still cares about me even though we haven't been together long (like 2 months) but he's made me feel so safe and comfortable with him that even if i did something that made him very upset (like hurting myself) he forgave me and listened and wants to make things better and help so i dont slip into that crack again

8

The electric shocks and dizziness are def from stopping the meds. I just looked on line and their are lupus groups for teens. Not sure exactly how old you are but give it a try. Also even through pain really important to try to normalize ur routine and try to socialize a little bit.i know that may seem impossible but sometimes it does help to try to distract you from the pain. Your college must have a doctor or clinic on campus. Maybe a dr might have some samples he can give you till u get a script. Maybe not but worth a try. Also ask him how you should resume meds. All at once or work ur way up. I normally wouldn’t be so pushy. I know you don’t even know me but I know the mental havoc stopping the meds can do. Again

9

Please hang in there and make it ur business to find whatever it is to make you feel better. Maybe not perfect, but at least better.

10

they happened even when i was on them...

im 18 and no were small so no drs on campus

i'm hoping once i can have my car here at school to talk to the local hospital about volunteering cuz i know what it's like to be a kid stuck in a hospital and maybe get a job to get me out of my place for a while

11

I just wanna send you hugs and lots love because Ive been through and am still going through something very similar. Im currently 17.. little less than 5 months short of adulthood. So I feel connected to your story. Its hard. And sometimes.. rather ALL THE TIME everything in life feels so overwhelming and it seems like you're always behind whether its with just socially or something as simple as sleep because there never seems to be enough of it. I am glad to hear that you are better now as far as the hurting yourself. Ive also done that. And I rationalized it the exact same way, I wasnt trying to off myself. Just make a worse pain, a pain that I could control myself. Something that I could "ask" for unlike this damn unwelcomed disease, you know?

Even with this though, I understand its not any easier emotionally. Its hard for me because I have yet to find someone who can truly understand. You know, besides all the lovely people on this site. My mom says she does but I tell her she doesnt and I dont wanna hear that she does because unless you've lived it you CANT understand. Its honestly hard to put into words I think. It sucks being so young and being also so very limited. Its unfair and it shouldnt be.

If you ever need to vent or anything, dont be hesitate to please. I think its good. Sometimes I just pick up my guitar and play whatever my fingers will allow and make up lyrics about how bad the world sucks and diseases as well. That only lasts until my Raynaud's acts up but... WE CAN NEVER WIN WITH THIS UGH, lol. -___-

Just a small suggestion would be to try and be some kind of active. It helps, I think. Even if its impossible physically because you're so fatigued, mentally.. it takes your mind of things and thats important. Your brain could use the stress break.

HUGS AND KISSES AND LOTS OF LOVE <3

12

Hello Mary,

I totally understand how your feeling but from a different aspect, as i was only diagnosed with Lupus 5yrs ago but i took ill at 18 with 2 forms of seizures and the one seizure is identical to schizophrenia in behaviour...i was working and loving life then out the blue my behaviour went up the wall hearing voices being violent the list goes on...i felt like my world had collasped around me just starting out in life after leaving school at 16 and earning good money and the independance was great.

Over the years illness after illness came at me and i could'nt cope mentally the amount of overdoses i took was unbelieveable besides self harming my self...i died in some over doses and they brought me back, then i kept myself locked in my own home through seizures dropping anywhere and being a manic depressive ontop topped the lot for me...but one day i woke and bells must have been ringing in my head and my own head told me you can't keep going like this living an hermit's life...so i mentally carried on put the epilpsey behind me and thought well if it's going to hapen it does and everything else which as come at me and i'm 44 now i've excepted besides the lupus and the heartache of pain daily.

I'm not into religion much but i prayer when i need to and hope for help...how ever low your feeling, there is a life out there, lift your head up high and fight what problems you have besides the Lupus as you do have a life and your just as good s any of your friends.

At the moment the depression is making you look down at life with no hope...rise above it my friend as life is precious and i truely know that now plus what your friends are saying let the lot ride over your head, your stronger then those because people who chat about other's are'nt living a good life themselves.

I hope i've reached out to you with my heart, as i've been there and done it but you can still live your life and it's for you to do it.

HugsFrom me to you...love Terri :) xxx
Mary we've had member's join and been mentally frightened and down like yourself and also desperation cases...and who have now come on leaps and bounds and all i can say is i'm so PROUD of them who have risen above it....you can do it also.
13

Hi sweetheart! I’m SO sorry to hear that you’re being so rejected and further tortured by your peers, and you did the RIGHT thing to talk about it. Mental health tolerance and awareness is distressingly terrible, and I’m sorry you’re finding out the hard way. Please find a few friends you CAN trust (look for people who also have known their own hard times, they will be more understanding and respectful.) Also, please don’t blame yourself for falling into the trap of self-harm, it’s within your control to change the behavior (you’re so fortunate and brave to realize this), but it comes out of depression and stress taking over your mind and heart. Don’t blame yourself, or even think you need to apologize to ANYone… Just use your strength and as many allies as you can find to keep fighting against it. It is a serious warning sign, so I’m glad you and your “friends” ate concerned, but to be helpful they must not reject you and alienate you, but instead help support and encourage you to seek help from qualified therapists and doctors.

Please act now while you still have the motivation and insight to recognize the problem (without blaming yourself! Depression is not YOU, it’s trying to control you and you can fight it!) I’ve been depressed to the point of hardly being able to get out of bed in the morning, in fact needing my mom to counsel and prod me through it for two weeks running! If it gets worse, it’s harder and harder to turn it around. I had to spend 6 weeks living with my mom, at age 22 after graduating college and living on my own 4 years, and take some serious meds to get back to functioning. It’s not something to be ashamed of, it’s something to be proud of yourself for overcoming, and you can :slight_smile: I wasn’t physically harming myself, althought I had in a few minor ways when I was a teen (self-harm is WAY more common in teens and is not as “alien” as you might feel with how your ignorant peers have treated you…) Try reading about it online to see how you are 1) not alone or unusual and 2) how you can get useful help and support!

For the friends you told who are spreading the word thoughtlessly… If you can face them with an explanation, instead of an apology, tell them you reached out to and trusted them because you needed help and compassion and want to solve it. You can explain that you are scared by what happened and never want it to get to a point of suicidal behavior or even thoughts. they may feel bad for being so judgmental, or maybe not… It all comes from fear and their inability to understand. But if you ask for their help, it gives them another chance to be better friends to you (most people want to help if you help them understand how they can) and also let’s them know firmly they need to stop hurting you more by making it public. Let them know you appreciate their worry, but please only tell someone who can help or is sympathetic. If they are religious, their religious leader is a good person to talk to who has training to help (reaching out to you to make sure you stay safe, and helping your friends cope with it and find compassion.) Ask THEIR prayers for YOU! Any good follower of any religion should know we need to care for each other, not paint someone as an outcast who has to save themself or personally ask for and wait for “God’s strength.” Perhaps consider the only way “God” can actually send help is by acting through “His people.” I don’t recommend guilt-tripping them (although it sounds like they may have to you!), just stay calm and confident and it will help reassure THEM. Remember, they are frightened teens too, and they most likely lack the life experience you have had in fighting a hard battle. It’s SO backwards that you must first rise to show them compassion and tolerance and hold their hand when they should do that for you… But if you can, it help you feel strong and in control of beating this. It will also help increase understanding, which the world sure needs! Love from us who do!

14

Hello Mary,

How you feeling in yourself today and an update would be nice when you have time?...plus i hope members responses have helped you in a large way.

Hugs Terri xxx

15

I just had a chance to read more on your meds… It’s really dangerous for you to stop abruptly on depression meds… For things like seizures through suicidality! Also, every time you stop/start you risk that medication never working as well for you in the future. If you’ve been in this tight spot a few times and stopped/started it might be making that drug not work as well for you anymore, but there are others you can try. You NEED to see a doctor, not just a therapist, when you’re taking psychiatric meds… They act directly on your brain and can be dangerous with too much, too little, or just further throwing off your mental state! If you get yourself to an emergency room, which you should do if you’re worried about becoming suicidal (and good to go before then, not wait till too late or a point where you will have to be hospitalized!), they HAVE TO give you medical care even if you can’t pay. You should tell them up front that you can’t pay, which they will verify (sounds like you have a clear case!) and then they have to provide free or discounted “charity care” or send you to another place who will. This is why the law to require insurance is in place, because it’s making hospitals go broke… But they would rather lose the money and save a patient, especially a young one with so much to look forward to in life!

Also, what’s up with mom? It only costs a few bucks (less than $3 I’m sure) to send a package that size and this is really critical for your health and safety. That sounds REALLY sketchy… Do you think there’s any chance they’re getting sold instead of coming to you as they should? I don’t mean to sound judgmental, this is a super-common issue with any psychiatric and pain meds, and economic times are SO tough these days. It sounds like your parents are NOT taking care of you adequatelt (I’m so sorry! But clearly you are a fighter and can keep going!) Medical professionals have ethical and legal responsibility to help you get care you need, especially if it touches on suicidality. Please discuss your concerns with any medical person (does yohook hook have a nurse, at least? They must, especially if you’re in an area far from medical services!) and if you show you are wanting treatment and are worried about becoming a danger to yourself, they do not have to “commit” you… That’s only if someone is UNwilling and ends up there after an attempt or by friends leading the charge. Beat them to the punch and see someone to get you back on course with your meds and on the track to stabilizing with therapy (and maybe social work to help with the financial/family hardships as well as the chronic illness in the first place… Low-income patients in your situation can get help like this and you should give it a shot! It could make such a difference to improving your well-being and your whole college experience…

After the current crisis dies down, you need to start filling your prescription at a local pharmacy on your own, hun! Your insurance might still work there, and if not your parents’ plam your s hool should offer an option… Ask a pharmacist. They can give you a lot of info, and can also help you find out if the drug company will give you a discount (often they do for psychiatric meds.) Just like you are clearly tougher than your friends, you are also more capable at taking care of yourself than your parents are. Run with it and get the help you need, explain your situation and any nurse, doctor, counselor or even priest will have to (and want to!) help you.

Please don’t keep waiting, letting it get any worse might threaten your chance of beating it :frowning: Given how much your mom is letting you down, and I’ve had smaller but still repeated, hurtful letdowns from my own parents too, I advise NOT continuing to go to her (or wait on her) for help. Get medical attention and tell them your situation, and let them get you on track to manage it yourself! You’re doing great, and we’re all here for you <3

16

Sorry for some spelling errors, I’m writing all this quickly on my phone because I’m worried about you…

“yohook hook” was supposed to say “your school” must have at least a nurse…

Where in Michigan are you? My parents moved there 5 years ago and that’s actually where I was during the time I was recovering from my huge meltdown in winter 2009-2010 (a was THIS CLOSE to checking into a psych hospital on Christmad ev, but stuck it out at home and waited for the psychiatrist to be back from vacation. I wish to this day I had gone to the hospital, because I spent weeks in hell not getting better fast enough and freaking out my whole family (and my mom used to BE a counselor and mental illness already runs in my family…) I was just way beyond what anyone could comprehend! I couldn’t even write coherent sentences like you are, I was just all-out crazy with mixed moods and rapid swings and paranoia and disordered thinking… Two separate weeklong rounds of antipsychotics and a partial-inpatient day program at a mental health hospital are what it took to get straightened out. I went on to get a great full-time job back home in Seattle working in medical research within a month of getting stabilized. You will benefit so much by acting early, and if I can do anything with my life it’s to prevent all THAT above about me from happening to others… I wanted to be a doctor and researcher, but now my lupus is making me take an easier path, and luckily reminding me I can still use my voice and compassion (and firsthand knowledge) to help people I can reach out to… And I can help you specifically find resources in Michigan, especially of you’re in Western Mich where my parents are and I got really valuable help.

Send me a message here if you want to share more privately, get advice or just vent… And please feel free to call me anytime. Seriously, I am unemployed and free most of the time (if I’m not at the doctor), on the West coast and a night owl anyway so you could reach me especially well in the middle of the night. 206-■■■■■■■■ that’s my cell and texts are great too. Or if you don’t have minutes/long distance I can call back, I have tons of them to spare. I am totally not kidding! I’m not quite your age, I’m 25, but I remember being there and seeing it get worse. Lupus is new for me (diagnosis, at least) but mental health is an old burden I’ve learned to carry.

I hope you can make peace with your roommates (they will be less scared if you aren’t hiding out from them and can explain more…) or find someone close to you who can really hear you and be near you when you feel worst. And someone with a damn car to get you to a doctor! Call me if you want, or especially if you feel out of options. There are plenty of crisis lines, but they usually “screen” for things and don’t necessarily listen or understand. But try them too if you like. You can do this for yourself, and really you’re the only one who can, but you don’t have to do it totally alone!

17

well i did get my meds and my internets back up (school internet sucks)

i am doing better and i talked to the school councler and that kinda helped a little
the way she put things is there's a ME who has goals and is strong and happy and all that and there's a LUPUS me who drags me down and sucks all the happiness out of the other me

i am doing ok mentally no danger of doing something stupid anytime soon unless everything takes a big dump on my life but i doubt that will happen

mom has just moved from an apt to a trailer trying to find ways to save money and it's hard for her. me and her are very close and she would never intentionally keep my meds from me. she also informs me of her financial problems and everything so i knew this was a struggle. this should be the last time she has to send them and next time i need them hopefully insurance and all that should be switched over so i can get what i need myself. I am not sure if its the way she sends it or what but it costs about 15 to send me my stuff.

Its difficult to see a dr when A my insurance is in Indiana so it wont cover much here B that's being canclled on the 1st and C idk when my michigan medicaide should start but as soon as everything is set i will be into: a reg dr, a cardiologist, a rhemy, chiro, neurologist, audiologist/ent, physicatrist of some sort, and any others i may end up needing but i know those are my mains.

My school is near some urgent care centers and there are hospitals less than 5 miles away but there's noone on campus for things like that the closest we have is campus saftey and their not really that much help in anything.....

I'm not really sure how the whole going into a hospital for help but stating i can't pay would work...there's a reason i'm on medicaide and i'm sure michigan would back pay 3 months/ from when i applied and im still covered under indiana's but im not too sure how solid all this is because i don't understand half the junk of it all and i don't want to land myself in even more of a sink hole from medical bills since i already have my college bills ill have to take care of...

My mom is good help and i will continue to rely on her. She can't control where all her money goes if she wants to keep a roof over her head so sometimes the things like my meds get slipped if i was home and not at school i wouldve had them 2 weeks ago but she didn't have the money to send them. stuff gets expensive after a while and it adds up and i know this what we didn't realize is how much it would truly effect me not having them. you don't know until it happens and then that event makes us realize not to let it happen again. the first time it was 2 days and the stuff was intransit so nothing we could do about the mail this time it was lack of funds and i'm sure as all you adults have prolly gone through at one point or another choosing between going without meds for a few days or losing your car/house/ no food in the house you'll chose going without meds because the people you pay bills to are not so understanding.

I live in northern muskegon and being 25 is alot closer to my age than most of the people ive talked to about this. adults have the experience and wisdom but dont always know what its like to be a college kid/ 18 and tackling all this and being first time on your own it's very difficult

i have my boyfriend who i try to be around and talk to but were also trying to give eachother space at the same time which can make it difficult but even if its a day that he want's a him day and i have a mental snap im sure he would have no problem making a different day a him day. I'm only with these roommates till the end of the quarter then i'm moving into a 2 person flat so i can get away from stairs. ive noticed when my heartrate/ bp flux is when i start feeling worse and depressedish. ive been having problems with this since the beg of aug and ive been on cymbalta since like march?

sometimes i feel talking about whats bugging me lupus wise is a waste because i can say what the problem is all i want but no matter who i say it to or how i say it its not a problem that can ever be fixed

when i saw the councler yesterday we also said i needed ot make 2 teams 1 of drs to fix the physical and 1 of supporters and friends to help with the emotional

actually because of money my phone was one of the things that got put into the unimportant catagory so ive been texting off wifi and online free text sites and my mom calls our house phone when she wants to talk to me or i text her and say hey call me skype and fb are good friends too when my computer works and internets up

thank you guys for caring it helps to know i'm not completely alone in it all

18

It must be very hard 4 u out @ college alone without family- dnt let Lupy get to u, ur stronger n this is just a bump on ur way 2 greater things. And no dosrespect- u should let God in, he will heal u,pray hard n wit all ur heart n ull see, the joy n peace in letting him in to guide u. I did it, n I feel coz of him I’m stronger n won’t let this satanic lupus win! Ull be fine dear, just concentrate on bigger and better things n do not keep things bottles inside, doesn’t help. I went through law skool after being diagnosed, skool n lupy SLE, esp Discoid r hard bt God guided me n now I’m a lawyer n gettin on with life.

19

Hey. Glad ur feeling a bit better. Try to take this journey one day at a time. Hopefully ur insurance will kick in and u can get all the doctors you need to see. Hang in there

20

yeahh i got approved for mi medicade as of the 1st so i'll start in jan with all the drs and getting on a plan

little irritated though cuz of what happened last weekend my roommates hid my siciors and knives to cook with, everything..... it kinda blows

i am stronger than this its hard to fight especially when sometimes you feel so all alone but take it all just a little bit at a time and set small goals. right now my goal is finish college...after that i'll find another goal to keep pushing towards

i am