tired and stretched....
i hope you each are as happy and healthy as possible. as for me? well, physically i'm doing pretty good pain wise. mentally, i struggle. i've told you all about the issues i have at work and they continue. my mother's mental health is worsening and the bulk of that is falling to me to look after. my grandmother is reaching her final days and oddly this is the one thing i have peace about.
i find myself anxious and tired despite finally getting to sleep all night. i've been looking to daily devotions and my Bible for understanding and it seems like i'm ok here at home, but when i walk into work it flies apart. i like the young men i take care of very much. i like what i do for them, but not knowing if i'll be fully staffed or if what i'm being asked to plan will change (and it does constantly) really gets to me.
i also have a supervisor that i can not count upon. i'm having to remind her of things regarding where her job and mine overlap. she made a huge accusation against myself and 3 others and did not apologize even after being proven wrong. to make a long story short--- i am struggling. this isn't all that goes on, but just the short version.
then there's mom...her mental illness is escalating again and she expects my brother and i to drop everything and come running over anything she becomes obsessed with. we've gone through this before and usually as it worsens, it either means a hospitalization or a suicide attempt. my brother and i are beside ourselves as there's nothing we can do about it. we're trying to maintain our lives with work and family and we deal with this also.
despite this, i do try to remind myself that life could be worse and to be thankful for what i have. it's just overwhelming at times. the last thing i think about is my grandmother. she is dying. but she's come to grips with it and she seems at peace. if she can be, then i can respect it and be peaceful about it also. she's fought long and hard against many illnesses and she's tired. i love her enough to let her go.
i just want some peace in my mind and heart and right now, it seems i can't get there. i feel so overwhelmed and there's no way to simplify anywhere. i've tried to find ways to do so. i know the saying, "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." perhaps that's true, but i'm at a point where i feel i'm going to break. i didn't know what else to do but come here.
i've even gone as far as to question if the Lupus is accelerating the emotions i have and i can honestly say in this case the answer is 'no'. so, with that being said do you all have any ideas on how to cope better? i'm trying to keep this from reaching the point where i'm flaring because we know what that does to us.
i just long for some calm in my life. i work 40+ hours a week with someone i am forced to put trust in and often don't. i'm trying to maintain my home. i'm trying to ensure my mother is as safe and healthy as possible. i just don't know........
well, i suppose i need to end this rant/pity party/whatever you want to call it. i would appreciate any suggestions in helping cope though- seriously. you all always give me sound advice and i appreciate it. i just need some different perspective. thanks for listening!