My husband has been awesome through this whole situation, although I know it can't be easy. We met 8 years ago and have been married almost a year. That said last night, whether because of stress, money or resentment we got into it. It started when he wanted to buy some tart baking dishes. Silly, I know, but I asked how often we would use them.
What it boiled down to was he is the one working (his words), although I do everything I can around the house and "he makes the money and should be able to spend it on what he wants. Understand that I have always worked and did when we met. However, by the time we married I was obviously having difficulty mainting my business (lupus fog). I felt as if I had been physically hit.
I know that the mind set of today is a two person income, but my husband has a good, high paying job with good benefits.
For myself I shop at the second hand stores (you can find some very nice items). I bought him a pair of jeans that he refused to even try as they weren't name brand. In other words I am extremely frugal just by nature. On the other hand he has always been a bit more of the "instant gratification" sort. Not saying that is bad, but looking at our bank statement it is glaringly obvious.
Before the real-estate down turn we both had a good income, however people have an issue with people can't remember their name.
Anyway, I guess my question is have others had spouses or significant others that just sort of "snap" under the pressure? If so how do you handle it? I am having a hard time getting over this today. I left some information out for him to read on symptoms of lupus as well as that of the Prednisone that I am taking.
The closest to me is just my hubby as you know and any conflicts i'm the one who snaps easily, he walks away till i'm carmed down to speak again properly.
For a start off Lupus causes many issues with us mentally besides physically and ontop of that prednisone can affect your moods.
It seems to me since you've finished work your very careful regarding spending which i'm reading into unless i'm wrong but because your hubby is working he thinks he should'nt have to come to that level while incomes coming in...he's still buying what he thinks is needed (Brand new)
DeAnne he thinks your niggling for no reason at all and my find it petty knowing the money is there, he must really need to look at your point of view since stopping work and how your dealing with daily life.
I'm sorry if i can't help much more than that because me and ste, he's the quiet natured person and i'm the quick firy one, so if i snap like i said he walks away till i carm down.
I hope other members will be able to help you more.
I have gone through similar situation with my husband and what I found out it that every time I expressed a worry of spending money he took it as my saying he couldnt take care of his family.
And so I have tried to refrain from saying much unless its a really big purchase and that has helped alot.
It is important for all of lupus sufferers to realise that our significant others also need support. Although you may be the one with the illness- caregivers need TLC and support as well. Your irritability altho understandable can also be stressful for others. I agree with Julie- better use of energy for more expensive items, not a baking tin. Me I wouldn't wear the off brand jeans either unless I was just puttering around in the garden- the quality of clothes is also important to many people, and not just that they were a bargain. In his mind why should he dress like a homeless man so I understand where he is coming from. Hopefully you can get this smoothed over and on a more even keel for the holidays.
Tez_20 as always you know exactly what to say. Poobie you also make an excellent point... I did leave quite a bit of information regarding the disease itself as well as the meds for him to read as his time allows. Please don't misunderstand, my husband is very wonderful about most things. I guess the issue comes from the fact that when we met I was working and making a good living. Tonight he basically said that he doesn't mind if I spend money, but would like to know before hand. In theory that is find, however how do you buy a card, gift, anything on line, etc if I must call and ask him first. I have always been very independent so I suppose I am asking how others are dealing not only with their spouses but with the feelings of "uselessness" that come with this disease. If anyone has some advice I am ready to hear it. I know that others have gone through this, so any good advice would be helpful.
Although you used to work and he's an understanding man to a certain extend, that's going abit to fare concerning yourself where it comes to permission for spending....you need to sit down together and speak these issues out properly because he maybe ok with it but it won't help you, as this will play on your mind ...could possibly make you feel down or depressed then you'll be in a right circle concerning your health, as these issues alone can cause a flare.
Say your marriage is 80% good, wheather you work or not...he should still have trust and confidence in his wife not to even think such a thought never mind come out and say it...these issues really occur if you have a gambler/drinker etc on your hands for your other partner.
Please try and make him sit and listen to you, as you need to express this with his full attention.
Please don't get me wrong, the jeans I picked up weren't "off brand" just not his brand. They were name brand. Believe me when I say that my husband wears custom shirts (the ones that require cuff links) and name brand clothing and does not in any way resemble a "homeless man" :). Sorry for the confusion. The brand is an Aussie brand and were quite nice.
Thank you for your response,
DeAnne
poobie said:
It is important for all of lupus sufferers to realise that our significant others also need support. Although you may be the one with the illness- caregivers need TLC and support as well. Your irritability altho understandable can also be stressful for others. I agree with Julie- better use of energy for more expensive items, not a baking tin. Me I wouldn't wear the off brand jeans either unless I was just puttering around in the garden- the quality of clothes is also important to many people, and not just that they were a bargain. In his mind why should he dress like a homeless man so I understand where he is coming from. Hopefully you can get this smoothed over and on a more even keel for the holidays.
Of course you hit the nail on the head...again. I was very independent, had my own business and was a single mother. To go back to asking for allowance is both demeaning and depressing. Right now I am having a really hard time trying to muck my way through the holidays as they have lost thier meaning "being with those you love". As it is, I just want to crawl back into bed and never come out.
D
Tez_20 said:
Hello DeAnne,
Although you used to work and he's an understanding man to a certain extend, that's going abit to fare concerning yourself where it comes to permission for spending....you need to sit down together and speak these issues out properly because he maybe ok with it but it won't help you, as this will play on your mind ...could possibly make you feel down or depressed then you'll be in a right circle concerning your health, as these issues alone can cause a flare.
Say your marriage is 80% good, wheather you work or not...he should still have trust and confidence in his wife not to even think such a thought never mind come out and say it...these issues really occur if you have a gambler/drinker etc on your hands for your other partner.
Please try and make him sit and listen to you, as you need to express this with his full attention.
By what you've just said when you worked you was one independent woman and now because your hubby as got to help you, he does'nt see the need to only basic's which he still needs to check you on...all this lot is depressing you badly and when you get depressed Lupus does thrieve off that for making you ill and you won't enjoy christams so much with all these issues surrounding you...i really do advise you seeing your GP regarding councilling besides having us also...as alot of members have done it besides and found it such a great help knowing when they walk away it's going no where.
No doubt everything is caving on you at once. And the holidays are so hard when we are not able to do what we were able to do....when money wasn't an issue...and we were used to making our own decisions. I truly understand.
The best time to talk about your differences is not during the "heat of the moment." I also have found the English proverb to be true..."Fewest words are soonest mended." Better not to say things that will cause hurt and cannot be healed.
When things are calm, perhaps you can share your heart and concerns, and feelings. And allow him to share his without interruption. See if he will agree on an amount you can spend without having to get prior permission. And respect that amount. My life has drastically changed in that department where I had an income from teaching and I was free to spend. Now being retired and limited income, we've had to be frugal. And my medicine is costly. So I've had to make major adjustments and it is not easy. I know lupus has changed "our" lives in more ways than one. But life is full of compromises. I am willing to do what I need to do to maintain harmony and have a mate to share my life.
Terri mentioned counseling which can be very helpful to you. Many churches offer free help and another's perspective can help both side. Perhaps you are already feeling better. But talk about it before another opportunity arises for you to be upset at each other.
Faye lovely said mate besides covering all aspects...and thanks for dropping the English proverb in. :) xxx
Faye said:
Hi DeAnne,
No doubt everything is caving on you at once. And the holidays are so hard when we are not able to do what we were able to do....when money wasn't an issue...and we were used to making our own decisions. I truly understand.
The best time to talk about your differences is not during the "heat of the moment." I also have found the English proverb to be true..."Fewest words are soonest mended." Better not to say things that will cause hurt and cannot be healed.
When things are calm, perhaps you can share your heart and concerns, and feelings. And allow him to share his without interruption. See if he will agree on an amount you can spend without having to get prior permission. And respect that amount. My life has drastically changed in that department where I had an income from teaching and I was free to spend. Now being retired and limited income, we've had to be frugal. And my medicine is costly. So I've had to make major adjustments and it is not easy. I know lupus has changed "our" lives in more ways than one. But life is full of compromises. I am willing to do what I need to do to maintain harmony and have a mate to share my life.
Terri mentioned counseling which can be very helpful to you. Many churches offer free help and another's perspective can help both side. Perhaps you are already feeling better. But talk about it before another opportunity arises for you to be upset at each other.
You two are a great cheerleading team. Hard to feel bad without feeling like a complete a$$. Trying my best to get through and not a whiner by nature so will do my best not to.
Thanks mate for the lovely complement to me & faye...faye's one wonderful woman.
If your not well D no point in trying to cover it up mate, we're here always to help one another...so if you need to vent just do it. :) xxx
whathappensinvegas said:
Tez_20 & Faye,
You two are a great cheerleading team. Hard to feel bad without feeling like a complete a$$. Trying my best to get through and not a whiner by nature so will do my best not to.