It is obvious that I am not shy. However, I am extremely introverted. I much prefer solitude to the actual physical presence of others. I have always gone to work, done my job, interacted with other people as necessary and then returned to the peace and quiet of my own space. Being in the presence of other people wears me out. I can speak to audiences of any size. I can mingle and chit chat with the audience after, but soon I need to be alone.
My kids get it, my grandkids get it, my close friends get it. Before he died even my fiance and lover got it. It took him years to really understand that I require a great deal of time alone with my thoughts, my books, my writing. I really do love to stroll on moonlit beaches late at night when the crowds are gone.
The sister with whom I share a mother gets it. I say that I developed my introversion as the result of being an only child for 18 years. I was an only child and sickly. I was often alone and never lonely. My sister says that I got some of it from our mother.
The only person who does not get it is my sister by marriage. She is coming to visit. She will say that I do not have to change my plans or my activities because she is here but it never works out that way. Having someone else in my space makes me anxious about their comfort. No matter what she says I must clean the guest room and bath before she comes. I must be concerned about what she will eat and all of the other things that you worry about when you have guests.
And of course she is coming when I am trying to recuperate from another health problem. She is a nurse but she does not come to nurse me. I still think that my failure to recover from the broken leg and kidney surgery is because she came to visit too soon and energy that should have been spent on my healing went into trying to be a good hostess.
If she was anyone else in the world, I would just say No. But she wants to see my kids and my grandkids and they want to see her. She has not yet met the two year old. So I am going to suck it up and deal with it.
If I had extra money, I would book her an extended stay hotel suite. I really do not like people in my space. I prefer being alone. This is really going to test my ability to cope with stresss.
That rant felt really good. Now let me start figuring out how to make her comfortable while maintaining the polite fiction that it is no bother.
Im wondering if a nice little "sit down and tell all" or just try and explain how you feel might help. Reason being it might help with the stress. I live alone also and Im very comfortable with my life. Ive gotten into the same routine of doing things. I feel you on the bath situation also. Sometimes I dont want to because I feel bad but thats what I find myself pushing myself to do so that Im not creating bad habits because Id rather lay in bed and wallow in feeling bad. I keep my home pretty well neat and clean as a form of exercise, so that I wont lay around so much. I dont have very much company from family or friends probably because my attitude is not always the greatest and some of thats due to dealing with pain and discomfort a lot of the time. Your sister-in-law being a nurse may understand all of your feelings. For example , if your not ready to get out of bed when she does, it's OK. Or if you need to go to bed before she does thats OK too. Give her free reighn to do whatever or things without you being directly involved. I know this may not be easy or may even be impossible. Its hard to not be a good host for some people even when we feel bad. Hope your visit with her is a pleasant one with no stress or as little stress as possible.
OH ANN!!! This is so horrible. Not being able to say no for all the reasons you listed I understand so well. I do have a husband that will do all the things I can not do but still I push beyond my limits like you are doing. I will be saying extra prayers and sending you healing energy. Gentle hugs!
Is there any way possible that she could stay with your daughter and her family instead? I've learned to say NO over the years. I just can't handle people in my house while I'm not well. My DH knows this. Without my space, I would go nuts.
This is upsetting me and I'm nowhere near you. SLE has made me more introverted and that is OK.
Ann, I can so relate to you! Sometimes I can spend an hour with someone and they have "sucked the life out of me"!!
I know some people think I am odd maybe, but I need to be alone too! When we have people come to stay I always freak out cleaning and fussing like you. This is where my husband comes in to save me! We are both "loners" and different things cause stress to us. We take turns protecting the other, so to speak. I wish you still had that great man in your life.
I will be sending you all the positive chi I can muster!! Just put "Happy" on and boogie away!! Maybe not yet!!
Ann, I’m the same way. Being around people is exhausting for me. An example was my sister’s 50th birthday party. I was tired and in a flare but it meant so much to her that I be there that I dragged myself out of bed, put on my party clothes (sort of), did my face, got the kids ready, and drove an hour to her party. I enjoyed talking with people for a little while but after an hour or so I was ready to lay down in the peace and quiet. We stayed about 3 hours then I had to feed my kids since finger food for adults is not exactly palatable for kids, and drive the hour home. I slept for 12 hours that night and the next night. I pretty much just did what I had to and rested for the next few days. I am a true introvert, I need my space from people. My husband finally understands that if I disappear for a while I’m just recharging my batteries. I have a few close friends and that’s all I really need. I’ve learned to be a bit rude when we have company. If I need to lay down I do. If they don’t understand then that’s their problem. I try to keep my house clean just in case but I also have projects half finished all over. My oldest just moved out and I started cleaning his room but needed to lay down and I still haven’t gotten back to it…lol whatever you do, don’t apologize for needing down time. If she doesn’t understand then it’s on her. Gentle hugs, Annemarie
I really do hear you. I feel that way sometimes. But not all the time. Just because we're ill doesn't mean we stop dealing with other human beings. Give it a chance. Clear you mind. It could be different this time.
You are so lucky to have all these people who love and care about you. I live alone and wish I had your complaints.
Bless your heart Ann! I pray that the visit goes well and it pains me that you are having to go through this. It sounds like torture to me, but you know what you are doing.
Hi Ann A., LOL, you are not alone ! Am a loner also , I was the child out of 6that ran to the fast life which didn’t require a shawdow . I understand but you got to tell her to slow down you ar not who you use to be or the person who can just move quickly anymore - house guest they suck…Beverly L.
I like you like my space. That space is my bedroom, set up my way. Messy today, neat tomorrow or whatnot. I have had a houseguest for three days that I invited but now she has to go! I miss my bed, I have put my mother out of her bed and now we are both cranky. I don't mind being alone but I do get lonely but I have a telephone for that. I too am recovering from a serious lupus pneumonitis and don't feel up to par and feel like I need to entertain. I don't want to. I want her to get her own tea, if she is hungry tell me and I will make something I don't read minds.
I used to be an avid journaler but since going onto disability I don't do that any longer and I miss it. I am also an avid craftsperson and I don't do that any longer either and I miss those activities but they are solitary activities and I don't want someone sitting next to me watching me craft, I just want to do it at my leisure and if I am in the middle of something and want to quit for now, I can.
I do hope that you can find respite from your guest, you are very brave and God Bless you.
I had an appt. with my rheumy today. I've been with him for over 10 years and he used to be able to spend a little while with me each time I saw him. Now, his practice has grown so much that he is very hurried and doesn't take as much time with me and I MAKE him spend time with me...like we used to. We used to discuss world politics, religion, etc. He is a Muslim from Pakistan and I am a Christian from Texas. It is fascinating to discuss things with him and he always makes me feel better about my SLE and he won't let me give up.
I asked him, today, if he was watching the Olympics and he said he was too busy and had many other things to do instead...it wasn't important to him. I replied that I wish I had lots of things to do, too, and in my situation I didn't have much to do anymore. He looked at me and it hit both of us at the same time....the reality of my life vs. his life. So much has changed for the both of us since we met in Oct. of 2003.
His dream of a thriving medical practice has come true to the point where he is overly busy and my life has slowed down to the point of not being able to do much of anything anymore.....ironic!
Ann share with her the shear, joy, beauty and health you get from solitude. Let her see and feel your creations from isolation created in quiet. She loves you and would most likely be sad to know not only do you become drained, but actually ill from all the prep for her visits.
Let her know you love the fact that she is such an integral part of your family and be true to yourself. If you need solitude, let her know it is how you heal and rejuvenate yourself.
Don't wear yourself out like that. Let her have free reign and if you do need her for something, call on her I'm sure she would appreciate knowing what works for you.
By all means don't hurt yourself trying to make anyone more commmm.p.h.fortable than you. I don't mean that selfishly, but you are most important to self. Take care of you and allow her to be who she is without setting you up for exhaustion.
I have always craved my alone time since childhood. When I would get punished and be grounded to my bedroom, I loved it! I could read, relax and be alone. My Mom finally figured out that keeping me from the phone, or going out with friends, etc. wasn't really punishment at all.
I've been like this as long as I can remember. My social life was very active during my high school, college and working years, but I still had to have my space. Once my health and energy declined drastically...there was no turning back...my friends and family couldn't understand why I would go months without seeing them or not wanting to talk on the phone to anyone. I'm still like that sometimes.....talking on the phone pains me sometimes. It just plain wears me out and I can't stand it.
Chatting on the PC is therapy for me because I can come and go as I feel like it...no strings or expectations. I do feel bonded to the many friends that I've made over the years, though, and sincerely care about them.
Right now, I'm so tired that I just want to lay down and sleep forever. My body is that worn out. Tomorrow is another day....hopefully!
I understand you completely. People complain that I am "too quiet". My husband just told me that we should get a talking stick like they mention in Stephen Covey's 7 Habits of Successful people.... He complains that I just shut down. Truth is, I have only so much energy to covey my thoughts and ideas, and people who cut me off and don't let me finish, I get frustrated and I've had enough. Especially at the end of the day, my energy level is the lowest, and after working all day.... I need to rest...
I hope the results will be good, I just had one too. It was fine. We certainly don't need any other issues! How is the bad boy doing? Haven't heard about him lately.
I always wish the best for you! I feel like you are the "glue" that keeps us all together!
I love it! I really needed that song this morning. Bad visit with nephew and family yesterday and it will take me days to recover from it. I will watch this when the memory gets to me again.
Hi Ann,I like to be alone as well,"As you know my husband is a firefighter/Emt," The perfect husband for me,He is on shift 48hrs at a time.It gives me that alone time I like so much..The older I get the less tolerant of large crowds,misbehaved children and adults send me over the edge.i selectively like children..I refuse to be around kids that are misbehaved..I have serious OCD,my home has to remain spotless at all times,anything out of place is not acceptable..my heart dr said that OCD is anxiety driven,and I have some anxiety,I so rarely sit still for a tv program,I deal with the pain of my lupus by staying as busy as my body will let me so I don't have to think about what the lupus is doing to me.I think they call that denial..Ha!Ha! Everyone deals with it in all different ways..I know this cast needs to go, 5 casts later,Omg does it itch..The lupus is at war with the surgical site.no surprise....fishing season is coming . I love to go fishing by myself,it's so peaceful and beautiful,I'm lucky enough to live right by some great fishing spots..my husband bought me a 9mm smith and Wesson semi automatic, My fishing buddy,He did not like that I fish alone..I hope you are feeling better Ann..I'm here if you need to vent,,I hope your sister in law cleaned your house for you and did nice things for you while she was there,everyone needs that every now and again..take care friend..