I need to vent. I feel guilty, bad, sad, mad, and all other type of emotions. My husband has been a rock since I was diagnosed. He fought it at first with disbelief until my doc had a talk with him and convinced him I was truly ill. Hubby always thought that I just needed to get of my backside and exercise and eat better. That would make me all better. He still believes this to some degree.
His job description changed recently to a more stressful type of work. Between the job and me, I think he is depressed. I know he is tired. He has Type 2 Diabetes, HBP, and high triglycerides. He is on more than one med for each, and on an antidepressant. Part of the problem is he will not admit his weaknesses and instead tries to act like Superman. My house is a mess because we both do the minimum. Neither one of us has the Christmas spirit and have decorated very little. This is usually his time of the year where we rival the Griswald's on outdoor displays. There is nothing but a tree inside and a few things on shelves.
I don't know what to do. My kids are not much help. My eldest is dealing with her own problems, and the youngest don't call unless a babysitter is needed for her 18 month and 4 year olds. Keep them for a weekend and see how you feel. I try setting boundaries, but hubby ignores them. He is a good man and loves his family very much. I hate I have put such a burden on him and I am scared for his health. I pray things will calm down after the holidays and he will get some rest. I push myself to do as much as I can but usually pay later with down time. It is a vicious cycle. I have been on antidepressants for years and had to quit work due to depression/anxiety and other physical ailments. So he has had a bad time with me for longer than you know. I am blessed he loves me and wants to take care of me. However, I love him and feel awful for the life I have put on us. Thanks for listening.
I understand how you feel. I have the most wonderful boyfriend who helps take care of me. I work a stressful job full time and am on my feet for the majority of the day, so after a particularly hard day I can't do much except rest in a stupor. He takes care of the house and brings me anything I need. I don't think he is depressed with me but I do feel guilty for the life we are leading. I think the things that help are that I sincerely thank him every day for taking care of me, and I express to him that I would be lost without him. I also take time to go up and give him a long hug and hold him to show my love. I hope if you don't already do these things that you give them a try. All humans want to feel appreciated and to feel love from their partner. That makes all the sacrifice worth it.
I hug, kiss, thank and do all I possibly can to show him how much he means to me. He is a special man and I am blessed to have him. zebamber said:
I understand how you feel. I have the most wonderful boyfriend who helps take care of me. I work a stressful job full time and am on my feet for the majority of the day, so after a particularly hard day I can't do much except rest in a stupor. He takes care of the house and brings me anything I need. I don't think he is depressed with me but I do feel guilty for the life we are leading. I think the things that help are that I sincerely thank him every day for taking care of me, and I express to him that I would be lost without him. I also take time to go up and give him a long hug and hold him to show my love. I hope if you don't already do these things that you give them a try. All humans want to feel appreciated and to feel love from their partner. That makes all the sacrifice worth it.
I think all of us have been in the position where we feel guilty that we are burdening our partners/friends/children whoever that might be. There are so many things that my husband has given up for me and am not even sure if we will get to experience certain things in our lives. I am 28 now and was diagnosed four years back. There has been no improvement whatsoever and I cannot imagine how difficult our lives ll get once we decide to try for a baby. It is hard enough as it is with the two of us.
But, it is what it is. Trying to fight the current situation is not going to help. Cannot decorate for Christmas? Find a new tradition.. say sitting on the couch and watching holiday movies. ;-) your house is a mess? who cares..within a few days you ll find the energy to put everything in its place. You ll feel the burden only if you take it on yourself. Its our life and lets try to live it as we like it, to the fullest, and to the maximum that our bodies allow us to.
Hoping you feel better soon.Sending lots of love and positive thoughts your way. I am sure you will have a very beautiful Christmas!
Is there a support group for husbands and family’s of lupus patients? I know some men have it but not many, does anybody know of a support group for them?
This is a subject that I am all to familiar with. I married at 20 yrs old and if that wasn’t enough of a cHalle get I was diagnosed within 1 year of marriage. I was also pregnant and needless to say I did not handle things well. In my case there was a lack of maturity coupled wit chronic anxiety and depress so being a good wife took a back burner. We are no longer together but I firmly believe that if I had focused on myself and getgetting better then I would have ultimately been a better wife to him. I leaned on him way too much and he was only able to handle it for 6 yrs now that I am 35 and single I know my limitations and I try not to over due it and I am completely honest about how I am feeling so if that means canceling something I planned to do I cancEl and I gave up being g a people pleaser. Some call it selfis I call it self awareness. I am not built like everyone else and I had to accept that those who don’t go through this themselves no matter how close you are they will never fully understand. Also my life improved dramatically when I became a vegetarian and with your husband aforementioned health issues it seems as though this might be a good idea for him as well. Good luck
E
Dear Poohp, if there’s any way you can wing yourself off of those antidepressants if at all possible, trust me I was on them years ago, I’m not now. You can do this to help yourself before you can help your family, please!!! Pray for your family and for yourself to have God lead the way for you & your family. Some one has got to have the strength to move this family forward, trust me I been there, I know it’s very hard. I’m glad I’m not on them, but I pay for the 1’s I’m on now with this Lupus sle, lupus SLE has token my life in 2008 , but it hasn’t tooken me anymore. Just be strong, everything is possible, I will pray for you, stay strong sista. Love you.if you want to take email me I talk with you.
Good question about a support group! I think there are cancer support groups most everywhere, I think that might be worth a try, since they would have the same basic problems, just the medicine differs. Lupus.org might have local chapter in your area; maybe they know something.
I don’t have a husband, but I know the feeling about letting people down when I can’t keep up, or oversleep.
I think you should call the doctor about why you can’t be on a different antidepressant. People who are on them need to stay on them, or they get really depressed again, and it sounds like your depression is making you feel worse, which makes it really had to be positive and happy. Holidays are very difficult in a lot of ways- perfect presents, complicated menus, parties, family situations- and pressure to be excited, Christmas is s religious holiday, too. It helps me stay grounded to remember that aspect. I still haven’t gotten many presents, just for my small family. I 'm also worried about going to my sister’s, which I always do, because she got offended (really inappropriately) and I’m not comfortable with the peace we have sort of reached. A challenge.
I hope you and your husband can both start to feel better. Some jobs, if they are that stressful, are not worth having, even if they pay more. Hating what you do every day IS depressing. I hope you both start feeling better soon.
Erica, our Caregiver Support Community would be a great place for them. There is a link to it in the right hand column of the Main Page.
Erica Peterson said:
Is there a support group for husbands and family's of lupus patients? I know some men have it but not many, does anybody know of a support group for them?