Its been awhile since I posted anything. The past two summers have been tough on me. Last year one of my best friends got killed by a drunk driver. My Lupus had already been firing up and interfering in every part of my life. Then I tried to push through college and I was so close to the end. I also got a job working for an interior designer. But Lupus had other plans for me. I started feeling so fatigued to the point if I stand up I would vomit from going against my bodies will. I would force myself to get dressed and drive 45 minutes to college/work with a foggy head, and sick to my stomach. Not to mention the burning muscles, depression, panic attacks, high blood pressure. Getting behind the wheel of a car was not a good idea being in that condition. Which led me to have two car accidents. One I totaled my car, and another I walked away and attempted to take my life cause I snapped. I was so depressed. It was a mix of the meds which influenced that feeling to want to die and give up. So my meds had to change a little. My parents helped me and I was told I should step away from college and work until I start to feel better. Then I went this year on a trip to Puerto Rico. I tried to stay out of the sun as much as I could... I cant say I flared up.. It seems to just get worse at times. Since I turned 24 I been in a constant flare. Not one day have I felt normal. My version of normal is when I am on happy pills, pain meds and I feel numb physically. The vacation was awesome besides feeling sick every day. I still managed to enjoy the night and have a little fun. On fathers day I almost stood my father up because I was sick. I ended up making it, but spent half the time on the bathroom floor vomiting and in excruciating head pain. So on June 28th my car broke down, and my friend told me he would stay with the car until we can get someone to take it to the house. The windows were open and couldn't close so someone had to stay. I was getting sick and feeling worried. Around 2am I was pacing back and forth worried about my friend with the car. I started cleaning lol. My nerves were sooo high... Then I receive a message to call my cousin because my father was in the hospital. When I called I heard what no one ever wants to here.. My dead suffered a massive stroke and was in ICU and I needed to get to the hospital as soon as possible. When I got there it just got worse and worse. I felt my body flaring up from the heart break I was feeling. He still looked so young.. just a week ago I had a nice lunch with him, his friend, and my mother (they were separated but friends) That day I mentioned to watch his blood pressure cause I seen him drinking beers. But I also had a special moment. We laughed and I never felt closer to the both of my parents. I grabbed their hands and said thank you for being cordial and letting me share a moment like that with both of them. A couple days later my father died. His blood pressure was almost 300 and he hemorrhaged in in brain. I stood with him every day, and night .. I watched him die slowly... up until his last heart beat.. then he went completely cold in seconds after that. I ran out the hospital begged my mom to take me home cause I needed to see my doctor. My knee was swollen, I was so sick from not eating, sleeping, and all the emotions of losing my dad...While he was dying my grandmother took all his money and valuables and left his belongings in garbage bags for me to scrummage through it... I never knew people can be such vultures... Me, his daughter that has a disease, being finically helped by him, was robbed. It all happened so fast.. he was cremated against his beliefs and wants. My grandma is a Jehovah witness.. he wasn't and always wore a cross.. I was so sick and still have been dealing. I had a falling out with my family right after his memorial.. I will never speak to them again for disrespecting me his daughter that he loved so much. He had two sons but they were not raised by him. They were punks and didn't have my back when I was distracted with just my emotions of losing him. Every body was already calling dibs on his belongings... I was told to see a lawyer but idk its been almost 3 months now and I just don't want to bother with them ever again. This whole ordeal has made my lupus so active... When I get worked up like getting to excited or anxious.. All these symptons come along and its hard to go out and socialize.. even with family. My hands turned blue yesterday and every one freaked out.
So that's pretty much been my life.. and That's an update on majority of my journey in this bittersweet life. Im still fighting for benefits .. Just praying it will all come together after all this havoc ...xoxo
Crystal, I'm so sorry to hear of all the trauma that you've been through with the loss of your best friend and then your father and all the drama with your family. I know exactly what you're going through with the loss of a loved one and all hell breaking loose with the family. I went through all of that with my family after my aunt passed away and my grandfather a year later. It seems that the only people that care about the family farm that my great-grandparents built and my grandparents worked so hard to continue are my father and myself. The rest of the family is greedy and just want the money. It's a disgrace! I really feel bad for you because I can tell that your flare was much worse than what I went through when I dealt with all of that. You can overcome all of this and you will. You are so much stronger than you think you are. Continue to fight and don't give up! Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Thank you so much! I am fighting hard.. It isn't easy, but my father wouldn't be happy seeing me fall apart. I am just so shocked at how greedy people can be when someone dies. Not to mention the effect it has on me dealing with lupus. smh
And people have no idea what the stress they put you under can do to you. And they usually do not try to understand either which is even more frustrating. I have found that distancing myself from them as much as possible without making it too obvious that I want nothing to do with them is the best thing to do for myself. It’s a shame because I used to be extremely close to them. I hope that your distancing yourself from your family that causes you so much stress will help relieve a lot of your stress and hopefully you’ll be feeling better in no time. Gentle hugs to you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!
I'm so sorry for what you have been through. Its bad enough just to have Lupus. When I die I plan not to have anything for anyone to fight over. I've seen that happen way to many times. I have several pieces of jewelry that I already have delegated to my 2 girls and my daughter-in-law, It wasn't easy to decide who gets what, but I did it so they wouldn't fight over it. No thing would hurt me more than to see them fight over mere possessions.
Crystal....Do you have anybody that can stay with you, or you stay with them to help you out at this 'very' terrible time in your life? I hope you can find somebody to talk to and help you through this. People, and for whatever reason, 'family' can be so cruel. I'm so sorry for everything you've been through, and continue to go through. My family, and step-family are going through a rough time right now, even before my Dad is dead.... Money is the worst thing. We need it to survive, but greedy people are the worst...it's torn apart my Dad, and 'his' two sons....the brothers aren't even talking, and who knows what will happen, when my Dad does pass.... Get help for your Lupus. I know this might sound silly, but try ginger caps for your nausea and vomiting...it really helps me. My heart goes out to you. I'm praying for you, Good luck and feel better.
Crystal, oh my, where to begin? I am so sad for you that so many things have gone so terribly wrong all at once. First, condolences for your father’s passing. It was one of the worst periods of my entire life when my father passed away. It is not something that you get over quickly. In fact during the following year, I would think I was just fine when a crying jag would strike completely out of the blue. I never knew what was going to set me off. Take your time and grieve as much as you need.
The second thing that jumped out at me was your statement about almost making it through school, but you had to drop at the end. Were you able to take incompletes in those classes? If so, you can finish that semester’s work and get your grades without having to totally repeat those classes. It would be a pity if you have to repeat those classes that you’ve already spent so much time and effort on.
As far as your family is concerned, the good opinion of one person in my family was of particular importance to me. I was so hurt when this person accused me of being a drug addict (pain meds) and a ne’er-do-well (disabled) who didn’t deserve to be a member of the family. A very wise person told me that what goes around, comes around. After a few years, it was obvious that the saying was true. So, just remember that what your grandmother and brothers did that was so hurtful to you will come back to haunt them in days to come. I hope that things will be dramatically better soon.
I am sorry for your lost and I will pray for you. There's a saying that goes, people or a family true nature comes out when someone dies. I would urge you to seek a lawyer, you are his legal heir. Your grandmother will get what she deserves. stay strong.aisa64
Thanks everyone! Sorry I'm replying back so late. I been really depressed lately. I do have a therapist and like MizOh said .. Some times I feel fine and I'm like hey I am finally getting through this.. It just hits me like a poison inside of me .. I take medication for it and I am doing everything down to Yoga, but unfortunately I am not working at the moment. With my Lupus constantly flaring and my depression/anxiety/insomnia is so bad I don't feel fit to work right now. I've been told from two different jobs that it was best to just focus on my health... and basically forced me to quit.. but at the same time they were right. My mother is a great support system when she wants to be, but financially she's everything .. I don't know how I can ever repay her. She lashes out at me though and puts me down on the days where she wants nothing to do with me. When I did work I couldn't handle long hours and I would push myself then needed the next day out of work. Her boyfriend down talks me too. They don't want to know what the disease is like for me they just want me out of their lives... but honestly if it wasn't for them I would be homeless or living in another family members house... So its so like bittersweet. I try to talk to her but it doesn't work. It wont work when someone doesn't want to know how you are feeling. I wish she would not batter me and put me down for being sick. It doesn't help my treatment... It sets me back 10 steps when it took me forever to get to the step I was in... Ugh just venting everyone... I wish my benefits would just fall through already so I can rid myself of them and just deal with them from a far when its healthy for me. Having lupus reallllly sucks... I feel like I'm being tied down by invisible hands