I’ve been having problems in my marriage for a long time. In December, my husband gave me a “deadline” of New Years to decide if the marriage should end.
I was all for trying to do things better, and last Monday, I woke up with a monster tension headache with neck pain. I felt like my head was going to explode. This went off/on for a few days, then started acting more like a migraine.
Yesterday, my throat started hurting, I had chest fullness/hurt to breathe and weakness. On top of that, it felt like I was getting a uti 
After I cooked dinner, I grabbed my chillow and threw it over my head. I told him I feel worse, to which he replied “humph” I took a bath, tpok some pain meds and went to bed.
I didn’t work today. I got up and fixed my daughter breakfast and lay on the couch. He woke me up, saying how he is tired of me and I don’t give him any credit and asked how do I expect him to keep putting up with me for another year? I reminded him that I told him yesterday I was feeling worse and he said that’s not communication and that’s not good enough.
Marriage is over. He’s sick of me, but then says it has nothing to do with being sick; that I’m just selfish to expect to be able to lay around for 4 days…doesn’t that have everything to do with being sick??
He doesn’t realize that he’s mall king me feel worse! Maybe he does. He acts like he’s the only one suffering, while I’m just laying around on a vacation, and here I am…day 5 of this headache from hell, with slight pluerisy, sore throat and bladder pain.
Sorry for whining! Had to tell someone and the only person o know that cares is 7 years old:(
I’m so sorry. I can only imagine how frustrating and hurtful that must be. My husband is not understanding of my needs either. I’m hoping support groups may help IF he goes. When I’m feeling very bad, the last thing I want to do is justify to my loved ones why I need rest. So sorry, wish I had good advice but I feel how hurtful it is for you. I wish he would realize his reaction is only making it worse for you.
I'm so sorry hon. You're not whining. You have every right to vent and feel the way you do right now. My own marriage just ended so if there is anything you need or just need to talk, do not hesitate to message me. Hugs.
Just a girl,
Comunication is not a "deadline". My ex husband said that to me, and tried to force me into a decision, and so I did After I did, he tried everything he could to change my mind.
Take care of yourself and your 7 yr old first, we are here for you, and you're not whining......
Just a Girl,
Your husband obviously does not understand your illness at all. Otherwise, he would never be able to say those things to you. If there is a local lupus support group in your area, I would contact them. They may be able to help your husband understand and teach him specific ways that he can effectively help you, instead of him just giving up in frustration. Also, if you are connected with a church, there are always counselors available to help couples work out their problems. It's hard for a couple to work out their own issues, but having someone outside of the relationship, who can be objective and help with the communication, might save your marriage.
These chronic conditions put a strain on both people in the relationship, and also your 7 year old is not exempt from the stress of it all.
Don't give up. I've seen terrible situations get turned around with the right guidance.
Ally
I’m sorry your husband is being so insensitive to your needs. My husband and I went through a very rough spot a few years ago when he got fed up with me staying in bed so much. Fortunately we were able to work things out. As it turns out he understood how the illness takes its toll but he felt neglected and felt I was neglecting our family. So we compromised, I do my best to sit with them during dinner even if I’m not up to eating and I will sit in the recliner with my blanket etc… when they’re out in the living room. He has to remind me occasionally just as I have to remind him that I can’t always clean up after the kids. He still gets snippy every once in a while but we both know our marriage will survive. We’ve been married almost 20 years and hit rough spots around year 7 or 8 and again at around year 16 or so. His turning 50 caused the tension to flare up and I was in a car accident that year so I forgot for a while to pay attention to his needs. Men need to feel loved as much as we do. You didn’t say how long you’ve been married but judging by the age of your daughter I’m guessing between 8 and 10 years. The joke about the 7 year itch is true. Everyone I know struggles in their marriage about then. I strongly suggest you sit down with your husband or both of you write letters to the other explaining what you are dissatisfied with in your marriage as well as everything that is good about it and what you love, like, and dislike about the other person. It sounds to me like your husband is feeling neglected like mine was and maybe just a few simple changes would make him feel appreciated and loved for the man he is not what he provides. I learned the hard way that one of the people in a marriage has to bend first and reach out to the other. I have more advice but this has gone on long enough. Try to compliment him at least once a day if you can. It doesn’t take much energy and it can make a big difference if you want to save your marriage that is.
Gentle hugs, Annemarie
P.S. My degree is in psychology so I do have some experience in counseling despite not having finished my masters
I am sorry that you have to undergo such hardship. Being ill alone especially uncontrollably for long periods of time can take a toll on anyone; but when those we love, our support system, become insensitive it almost makes things unbearable. As difficult as this may seem we do have to understand although we are the ones ill it is very difficult for our family and friends who may have no personal experience with illness. Even the best support will loose their strength at times. This can be tedious and frustrating not only for us but for our families and friends. I don’t condone you husbands behavior in the least but make sure your support has support in dealing with your illness and your communication includes how he/she is dealing with things. It’s important to not be offended because they aren’t physically ill because they are mentally and emotionally taking the toll of our health which in turn can cause physical issues and stresses we don’t understand. Finding the right support and being one another’s support in this is imperative and results in the wellness you desire despite our illnesses.
Thanks for all of your responses. They really mean a lot.
I know it’s partially my fault, because he says we need to communicate, but he doesn’t understand that when I feel this bad, I dont want to talk.
Maybe I can figure out a different way of dealing with things too.
Thanks, Kaycie.