My wife of 34 years was diagnosed in 1986. She went thorugh early ovarian failure at 28 years of age. However, over the past few years, she is losing all desire to become intimate. She "goes along" some of the time, however, she says that since her hormones no longer function, that she just has NO desire to be intimate. We have been together for 41 years.
She has tried testosterone therapy, which she said doesn't work. She is currently seeing a therapist, but is reluctant to discuss our intamacy issues...saying it's all in MY head.
I love my wife and feel locked out. I feel she is missing such a BIG part of our life together.
Ideas? Suggestions? Venting?
On an aside, since her diagnosis and gastric bypass surgery 7 years ago, she has become a 8x National Champion Powerlifter! I think she should do some public speaking on Lupus and GBS so people can see that you can still live active lives, within reason.
Hmmmm… Tough subject! I have been married to my hubby for 18 years, together for 22. I’m 38 and he is 40. I think some fluxuation is pretty normal in a marriage…specially when dealing with a flare up of this disease.
Advise is kind of hard because I haven’t experienced a hormone issue personally so maybe someone who has will pipe in with something that has helped them.
I can only really comment on relationships in general and every woman is different.
Women tend to need more time to rev up. Romance is huge for some of us. A nice dinner out, lots of compliments, flowers delivered at work, little love notes, etc. Yes it may sound cliche but even after 41 years she may need to know that you still adore her.
Some women really need to feel that they are sexy. A kiss on the back of the neck while they are cooking, a little pat on the bottom, compliments and notes that are more sexy in nature. The biggest part is doing these things without any expectations and figuring out which ones work for her.
The other thing to keep in mind…maybe due to the hormone changes things that used to work for her don’t anymore. You may have to re-learn her buttons. Spend some time figuring out where her sensitive spots are…maybe they’ve moved!! Also maybe a visit to a “XXX” store is in order.
I know from experience that it can be weird to have a conversation, because no one wants to tell their partner that they love “your doing it wrong”. However, it’s much easier in the moment to ask them what they like.
Thank you for posting this since I am sure it is something married people deal with. It may be an uncomfortable issue for some (I know I am blushing)
but I think it is good to talk about because there is so much more to intimacy than we usually think about.
One thing that is very important to women is that we feel cared for and understood and that we are precious to our husbands, treasured. It is a lot easier for a woman to feel like getting closer to her husband is she feels like he is going to love her no matter how interested she may or may not be at first. men and women are so different and we each approach intimacy differently. I am trying to think of the name of a video I saw for a class I took last year that explained the difference in male and female brain--how we are wired so differently--i will get back to you on it--it was funny funny funny and very informative too.
I have tried ALL those things. Weekends away..surprises, notes, roses, diamonds, etc. She basically keeps telling me it just "ain't happenin'" for her. If I get too "exotic", XXX store, or even discuss sex too often, she just turns it all off and gets irritated with me.
We are eeing a therapist, so I'm hoping it might help with these issues.
I was curious if anyone had encountered the same issues....if they have had any success with hormone therapy, or it's side effects?...Or if they have come across anything new that might be of help.
Thanks again Roni!
Roni said:
Hmmmm.... Tough subject! I have been married to my hubby for 18 years, together for 22. I'm 38 and he is 40. I think some fluxuation is pretty normal in a marriage...specially when dealing with a flare up of this disease.
Advise is kind of hard because I haven't experienced a hormone issue personally so maybe someone who has will pipe in with something that has helped them.
I can only really comment on relationships in general and every woman is different.
Women tend to need more time to rev up. Romance is huge for some of us. A nice dinner out, lots of compliments, flowers delivered at work, little love notes, etc. Yes it may sound cliche but even after 41 years she may need to know that you still adore her.
Some women really need to feel that they are sexy. A kiss on the back of the neck while they are cooking, a little pat on the bottom, compliments and notes that are more sexy in nature. The biggest part is doing these things without any expectations and figuring out which ones work for her.
The other thing to keep in mind...maybe due to the hormone changes things that used to work for her don't anymore. You may have to re-learn her buttons. Spend some time figuring out where her sensitive spots are...maybe they've moved!! Also maybe a visit to a "XXX" store is in order.
I know from experience that it can be weird to have a conversation, because no one wants to tell their partner that they love "your doing it wrong". However, it's much easier in the moment to ask them what they like.
Thanks Janice! We ARE working on it. Unfortunatley, I can get (and always have been) very jealous. I know I read more into my wife's actions than what there is on the surface, and I'm working on that myself, but it gets very frustrating to see/hear her talk with her male trainer in ways that she "used to" talk with me. I want to understand and help her as much as I can, and will ALWAYS be there to support her. Tell her all the time. Probably so much, that she feels inundated with it.
Thanks again for your input. No need to "blush".....way past all that by now! LOL!
janice said:
Thank you for posting this since I am sure it is something married people deal with. It may be an uncomfortable issue for some (I know I am blushing)
but I think it is good to talk about because there is so much more to intimacy than we usually think about.
One thing that is very important to women is that we feel cared for and understood and that we are precious to our husbands, treasured. It is a lot easier for a woman to feel like getting closer to her husband is she feels like he is going to love her no matter how interested she may or may not be at first. men and women are so different and we each approach intimacy differently. I am trying to think of the name of a video I saw for a class I took last year that explained the difference in male and female brain--how we are wired so differently--i will get back to you on it--it was funny funny funny and very informative too.
It sounds like it’s a very sensitive subject for her. I would imagine having this problem may make her feel like “less” of a woman. Keep doing what your doing…it’ll pay off when she finds a solution!
You mentioned she had a gastric bypass…maybe some of the issues are due to self image issues that are unresolved from when she was bigger? Sometimes the change in body size doesn’t help with the emotional aspects of self image. Counseling should help with that aspect (if there is one).
Lots of post-menopausal women enjoy a very healthy active sex life so I’m sure there is something out there that will help with the hormone problem.
Keep providing love and support while she works through this.
Can’t believe I’m going to say this but here goes… Maybe a trip to the “XXX” store to get something for yourself to “take the edge off” in the mean time!
God I think I’m beet red now!!
MrBeefy said:
LOL! Than you Roni!
I have tried ALL those things. Weekends away…surprises, notes, roses, diamonds, etc. She basically keeps telling me it just “ain’t happenin’” for her. If I get too “exotic”, XXX store, or even discuss sex too often, she just turns it all off and gets irritated with me.
We are eeing a therapist, so I’m hoping it might help with these issues.
I was curious if anyone had encountered the same issues…if they have had any success with hormone therapy, or it’s side effects?..Or if they have come across anything new that might be of help.
Thanks again Roni!
Roni said:
Hmmmm… Tough subject! I have been married to my hubby for 18 years, together for 22. I’m 38 and he is 40. I think some fluxuation is pretty normal in a marriage…specially when dealing with a flare up of this disease.
Advise is kind of hard because I haven’t experienced a hormone issue personally so maybe someone who has will pipe in with something that has helped them.
I can only really comment on relationships in general and every woman is different.
Women tend to need more time to rev up. Romance is huge for some of us. A nice dinner out, lots of compliments, flowers delivered at work, little love notes, etc. Yes it may sound cliche but even after 41 years she may need to know that you still adore her.
Some women really need to feel that they are sexy. A kiss on the back of the neck while they are cooking, a little pat on the bottom, compliments and notes that are more sexy in nature. The biggest part is doing these things without any expectations and figuring out which ones work for her.
The other thing to keep in mind…maybe due to the hormone changes things that used to work for her don’t anymore. You may have to re-learn her buttons. Spend some time figuring out where her sensitive spots are…maybe they’ve moved!! Also maybe a visit to a “XXX” store is in order.
I know from experience that it can be weird to have a conversation, because no one wants to tell their partner that they love “your doing it wrong”. However, it’s much easier in the moment to ask them what they like.
LOL! No need to blush...(ahem)...been there, done that!
But as I tell her, "it's not the same". I still need the intamacy and love from her.
But I will just keep hitting it..hmm..that didn't sound right! I meant I will keep Working on it with her. If anything, I beleive in love and I beleive in hope....that alone will get us thorugh :)
That attitude will deffinately get you through it! I’m also a big believer in “marriage is a constant compromise”. Give her some time to work through it all and you’ll be rewarded in the end!!
MrBeefy said:
Roni!
LOL! No need to blush…(ahem)…been there, done that!
But as I tell her, “it’s not the same”. I still need the intamacy and love from her.
But I will just keep hitting it…hmm…that didn’t sound right! I meant I will keep Working on it with her. If anything, I beleive in love and I beleive in hope…that alone will get us thorugh
That attitude will deffinately get you through it! I'm also a big believer in "marriage is a constant compromise". Give her some time to work through it all and you'll be rewarded in the end!!
MrBeefy said:
Roni!
LOL! No need to blush...(ahem)...been there, done that!
But as I tell her, "it's not the same". I still need the intamacy and love from her.
But I will just keep hitting it..hmm..that didn't sound right! I meant I will keep Working on it with her. If anything, I beleive in love and I beleive in hope....that alone will get us thorugh :)
Well, All, This is a def. different turn of events or subject matter I should say, lol…I personally feel that we (women) change alot with goin’ thru the course of this BEAST called LUPUS or any other Autoimmune or chronic issue so our appearance on the “outside” may differ to us, even if it doesn’t to our loved one…It is hard & we feel Unattractive in many ways, ME, personally, I walk like Frankenstein b4 bed & when I awake or get up from my recliner after watching TV at night. I feel like an 85 yr. old woman, and I am only 35. So I feel unattractive & HATE IT & GET MAD AT ME! Oh yea, and all around me too, for no reason, which is wrong, I know! IT sucks BAD! I technically am a young woman still, not middle-aged YET? I think? And I feel so much older ,appearance & acting like way! And I think I look good for my age, from what others say to me…who knows, a battle I won’t ever get , I guess? It is a tough subject matter, and I guess although we try to shy away from it, it is one that needs to be discussed. 4 me, being told I look pretty, means more than words can say, when my lil guys (my sons) say Mom u look so pretty 2day or ur hair looks so nice like that, I feel happy, like I guess I am nor am an embarrasment to them, as their Mom. I feel like since I feel badly bout some weight I put on over the yrs., esp from the lack of exercise from hurting so much & stress too, I feel everyone looks at me as if I am UGLY! It is self-confidence that I meed to work on personally…ALL ON ME< noone around me, I feel bad for my husband cause I think he is the one I take it out on, when I feel ugly too, he doesn’t say anything & I put words in his mouth or looks upon his face…It is not fair to him, I know that! So hormones change with age, also change with Lupus too. So we are backed against the wall & feel helpless, but with time & more self pride we will prevail, I believe! So good subject guys, but let’s mke sure to play by the rules, lol, and be discreet & appropriate with it too…We don’t wanna get in trouble, ya know? Hopefully we can all help each other out with this, as we have w/ so many other things! TTY’ALL Soon! Suzie :0)
MrBeefy said:
Thanks! Rewarded "In the End?"...Hmmm...LOL!
I must admit, I like the way you think! LOL!
We are ALL a work in progress :)
Roni said:
That attitude will deffinately get you through it! I'm also a big believer in "marriage is a constant compromise". Give her some time to work through it all and you'll be rewarded in the end!!
MrBeefy said:
Roni!
LOL! No need to blush...(ahem)...been there, done that!
But as I tell her, "it's not the same". I still need the intamacy and love from her.
But I will just keep hitting it..hmm..that didn't sound right! I meant I will keep Working on it with her. If anything, I beleive in love and I beleive in hope....that alone will get us thorugh :)
Mr Beefy, My husband of 34 years (together for 37) has Lupus and he used to be a weight lifter. His employment, until he could no longer walk to his truck without help after a regular shift, required that he lift 50 lbs. bags and carry them up and down ladders. He could throw a 50 lbs bag one handed a distance of 20 feet with someone catching it on the other end. He was the "Man in the box" champion at work for 28 years. "Man in the Box" was the new man's "initiation". It became my husband's role at work to initiate the new men by putting them into a big Gaylord box. Funny and an ice breaker for sure. In 28 years, no one could stay out of the box if he put them there. Nor could anyone ever manage to put him in the box. LOL
Now he can barely pick up a 50 lbs bag and if he does, he is put to bed for days. He went from throwing the 50 lbs bags to not being able to lift them in about a two year period. His muscles have suffered the worst of anything with the exception of his heart. His muscles now feel like sand in a bag.
I am fascinated that your wife can power lift and has become a National Champion not once but 8 times! Congratulations! I can imagine how proud you are of her! How is she doing this with Lupus?
Regarding the hormones and intimacy issue. Doesn't weight lifting at that level cause some shutdown in the body's hormonal production for women? Forgive me, I know I am very ignorant on the subject and I am sure that with the experience the two of you have with weight lifting you have already checked out this avenue for a possible cause to the problem. But thought I would ask just in case. Could that be causing the problem? I know that what might normally be a small or insignificant problem can be so blown out of proportion by the Lupus that it just made me wonder if that could be a cause?
You are so not alone. This is a good question for discussion. You and my husband should talk. LOL I am the same way. We have only been together for 4 years and married since July. He knew going into the marriage. That I had a full hysterectomy and my sex drive has gone way down. Cause of the surgery, Lupus and just plain do not feel in the mood. We do put aside once a week for fun. I always tease with my friends and say poor Jim he is lucky to get it once a week. LOL Sure he would want it more. But I can not do more then that. I told him its not him by any means. Its me. He understands and we just do what we can. He is 46 and me 47. But he is very understanding through the whole thing. Good luck to you.
Thanks for your honest reply! My wife always says she is a Nun…“Don’t want none…don’t need none”! She does try to “be nice to me” a couple of times a week, but it’s just not the way it used to be. I just feel bad because I feel she is missing out on such a big part of her life, and I think the intamacy can be so much more. Just miss that connection we used to have.
Nerak said:
You are so not alone. This is a good question for discussion. You and my husband should talk. LOL I am the same way. We have only been together for 4 years and married since July. He knew going into the marriage. That I had a full hysterectomy and my sex drive has gone way down. Cause of the surgery, Lupus and just plain do not feel in the mood. We do put aside once a week for fun. I always tease with my friends and say poor Jim he is lucky to get it once a week. LOL Sure he would want it more. But I can not do more then that. I told him its not him by any means. Its me. He understands and we just do what we can. He is 46 and me 47. But he is very understanding through the whole thing. Good luck to you.
“Patience is A Virtue”, My Mom used to always say that, and I seem to use it often now…never knew what it meant when I was little, but did hear it often, now, I know it meant cause I was such a lil’ pain in the as$! LOL…hahaha, now I know why I am getting payback BIG TIME w/ my lil guys, lol…she must be laughing her butt off from up above! LOL…Anyways, I think her saying goes for this too, with some patience, a little bit of love & understanding, u will both be just fine! It may not seem like she is “into” the whole thing, but listen, the fact that you are still interested & luv her so dearly enough to still wanna please her & make her feel loved means so much to a woman & u have come to this site for help & to understand her a little better, which is very SWEET! …So u are doing well, just remember “patience is a virtue”, Suzie
Thanks Suzie! Your are right of course, but when your hormones are raging like that of an 18 year old (me), it's hard (sorry about the pun!) to be patient sometimes! Let alone that I am a bodybuilder/powerlifter, and Zumba Instructor...I am around 1/2 naked people 1/2 or 1/3 my age MOST of the time...YIKES! We will work it out, I'm sure. Good things come to he who waits ;)
I would love for her to "comiserate" with someone in like circumstances, but she is NOT the forum, internet blogger type. She is the"tell me what ya need, ok, do it" type!
Gotchya! Worth a shot, just that maybe if she chatted with those who understand & "get it", she'd feel a little better...We r always here if she changes her mind! .Suzie :0)
Suzie