Feeling like his "pain experience" cancels mine

I am newly diagnosed with Lupus and fibro. My boyfriend has chronic back pain due to breaking his back 18 years ago. He’s delt with a bad back surgery and degenerative disc disease among other back issues. Now here is my problem: He has gone through coming to terms with his pain and limitations etc. I am going through so many emotions and obstacles but I feel cheated of comfort and compassion. When I hurt he says take your pills. He says “You got to deal with the pain and not let it run your life.” I KNOW this, I just want him to hold me or rub my back or whatever hurts. I don’t ask sometimes cuz I know he’s hurting. I will rub his back if he hurts. But he doesn’t offer to rub me anymore.(He used to before the diagnosis). Am I asking too much from him? Sometimes he makes me feel like my pain is nothing compared to his. Any input is much appreciated.

Dear Nightbird,

I do not have a full diagnosis for Lupus yet, but I know about fibro and back pain from DD and PsA. I can't even imagine breaking your back! UGH!! I genuinely feel for both of you!

The only thing I can suggest is if you nicely talk to him and ask him when there are not hard feelings about this or he is not in too much pain.

If he is not receptive, you may want to book a massage from a professional, and make it part of a weekly routine.

So sorry you are getting left out, he may be afraid of hurting you.

My best to both of you,


I deal with similar issues, however, my husband doesn’t have an injury. He is a “one-upper” (I.e: I’ll say my knees are killing me and he’ll say he’s had a debilitating headache for a week). I don’t work very much and he works too much, then when I say I’m tired, he robs me of my validity saying he worked 14 hours and all I did was clean house.

It can be incredibly frustrating! I don’t want him to “fix me” or pity me. Sometimes I just want to hear “I’m sorry you aren’t feeling well, honey”.

I know I didn’t really offer any advice as its something we are working on as well. Just know you aren’t alone and you can always vent here! :slight_smile:




Sound advice from SK and Rachel, you are not alone here. I am newly diagnosed about a month now, and I read that communicating that I'm just not having a good day to my husband and not really go into the details. I'm still a newlywed, and my husband doesn't want me in pain. I've told him, its just a way of life for me. He wants to fix it, and he can't. I have a kids from a previous marriage, and my son is 18 and a senior in HS this year. Two men in the house - well you can imagine. And an 18 yr old, well they had it out Friday night. I was crying, but they had some things come out and really mended their relationship. My husband told my son, your mother's health is the most important thing right now. That's tough for me let them vent but wow, it was worth it!


Sometimes it really helps just to know you aren’t alone. If you ever need to talk or vent, feel free to message me!


aznightbird said:
Thanks everyone. SweetNovember that sound like our conversations :(
And u hit the nail on the head. I don't want to b fixed. I just want a touch or a kiss that says I can't fix it but I love u. U may not have given advice but ur message made me feel better.