Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish; feed him for life.
I will not throw my son out without a life vest. I'm not a control freak, and I won't be an enabler. My son receives disability through his father, and became his own payee at 18. He received a large check in December when I had my surgery. He kept putting off letting me see his bank account, and got made when I asked him if he had paid this bill or that bill. When my sister had a car for sale and I asked her to give us first chance at it, I was excited to tell my son about it and he got evasive about how much money he had.... I was worried. He had spent it all, and was hiding it from me. I was almost in tears at the bank, and the teller was too for me when I found out. I didn't get mad and yell and scream at him, my son yelled at me for checking. When we talked finally, I told him he's not the first person to do this and won't be the last. Its not the end of the world, but to let us help him get his finances in order. He would pay his cell phone bill hit or miss, and we turned it off for non-payment. He bought his own pre-paid and he loves it now. We asked him to pay $25 a week for rent. He refused, he wouldn't talk with us about it. If my son chooses to work only 10 hours a week, and spends all his check in the first two days, he will ask me for money. I will make him a school lunch in the morning so he can save money.
I'm trying to teach my son now, that there are consequences to his actions. Its because I love my son more than my own life, that I choose this. We are here to catch him if he falls.
ps said:
my son will NOT have piles of debt when he graduats college, because i worked my butt off and skrimped and saved up his college fund from the time he was born to me at 18 years old. a college educated individual has a better future outlook than someone without. its a fact. i stand my ground on the inappropriatness of pushing your child out of his home at 19, "technically" adult, or not. my childs home has no eviction date for him. no childs should. and i respectfully disagree with you on the issue of "many kids put themselves through college." college is expensive and requires slews of paperwork and alot of involvement from mom and dad. the whole process with my son took the better part of two years. finding the right college, doing all the necessary paperwork and financial end of it. no 18 year old i know of just gets up one day and says, "im going to apply to college and im going to do hours of paperwork and im going to do the whole process myself." did you know that an 18 year old college bound student can't even take out a student loan without a parent or guardian cosigner? im sorry but this mother is taking the easy way out and failing her son because shes sick with lupus. that is no excuse. im sick with lupus too, but my kids come first. no matter how much this disease ravages my body, no matter how terrible i feel.
dancermom said:
PS, I understand you are speaking from your own experiences, but there are many 18 and 19 year olds who make their own way through college, and many who find fulfilling careers without college. And on the other side, there are thousands graduating from college with piles of debt and no job offers. There is no simple, black-and-white, wrong-or-right here.
I agree with what you say Trisha. My girls wanted cell phones and stuff but wouldn’t lift a finger to help me clean the house. I would over work myself all the time and then be laid up in bed for days at a time. Then they would have the nerve to ask for more things or take them somewhere. When I asked for help, the answer I got was you don’t do anything for me mom. Do you know how that feels?
I made up a choir chart. For every room that is thoroughly cleaned, they earn 2 dollars or a star. That isn’t bad at all. I make them earn their cell phone bill money and if they want extra stuff, they clean extra things. Had I.mot done this, my house would always be in disarray. My house only gets dirty because of my kids. I am mot here to be a maid and needed to teach my children to be more responsible. My younges has only earned 2 stars in the 2 months I’ve had the chart. If she ask for things then I tell her she has to earn It.
Don’t get me wrong, I nuy everything they need but I refuse to be taken advantage of anymore. We all do what we know works. Children have to learn from mistakes they made and we make sure we are there so they don’t fall. I want my children to know whaylt valuebis.
My daughter gets excited clipping coupons as well. She knows that the money saved will go even further. They also know that sales arw great and jow to find things cheaper by surfing the internet. I know these values will go far when they are all out of the nest.
I agree with dancer mom...sorry. I have had a little of both worlds and each extreme is not the ideal solution. I thought doing what you are doing, PS, was teaching my daughter responsibility and be there in a heartbeat to make sure she didn't fall while she still lived at home with us. I realize now, that I was still enabling her to be dependent on me. Once she did move out into an apartment, she couldn't really take care of herself, her few bills she was responsible for (we paid rent), and her college work. Even though I felt I had shown her how to take care of herself, it is a totally different monkey to live away from home and do the same things. I'm not saying we aren't there for her, in fact, she is home with us now because we felt she needed to be with us while she has minor outpatient surgeries and rehab. I didn't want her to be overburdened with all the other crap life throws at us. It's called "tough love". I'm not her best friend, I'm her mother and my sole responsibility as her mother is to raise her to be able to take care of herself in my absence. I believe that is what Trisha is trying to say in her message. I believe she is worried that her son will not have learned all he needs to learn before she gets too sick to teach him. And, step dad is not really a positive force in this young man's life.
I have to admit, I have read some of your past messages, PS, and I feel you are still in a lot of emotional pain which can make us view things through a different filter than others with a different life experience.
I hope you and Trisha find peace soon so you can concentrate on your health. That much anger and stress is horrible for lupies.
Oh whatever. I’m not in any emotional pain. I just parent a little “differently” is all. I don’t use my lupus as a crutch to get me out of being a parent or cleaning my house.